Weddings from the Heart. Daphne Rose Kingma
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middle of the woods. So they chose to hold the ceremony in the grove, then the guests walked back to their cars and drove to a country restaurant for dinner.
Bob and Paula choose to get married in her parents' living room. It was just before her father retired, and her parents were soon going to sell the family home. By having her wedding at the house, Paula marked the completion of her childhood and the beginning of her marriage in a wonderfully symbolic way.
Don and Mary chose the small hotel with hot mineral springs where they had vacationed together. They gathered their dearest friends for an entire weekend of celebration and sharing. One friend led the group in yoga classes, another in creating a sculpture for the bride and groom, another in a moving community dialogue. The outdoor pool and sulfur springs encouraged people to drop their inhibitions and come into a heartful place. By bringing people together for an extended period of time, they created a beautifully bonded community that was there to shore them up with their blessing by the time the actual ceremony occurred.
Laura and Steve chose their own backyard. By simply looking out the window at the rose garden where they had spoken their vows, they wanted to be continually reminded of the promises they made to one another and, on difficult days, to imagine that their friends and family were still out there celebrating and encouraging.
Other potential locations include a private club, an art museum, a historical site, a botanical garden or vineyard, the chapel at a college or university, or the grounds of a beautiful public building such as the library or courthouse.
It is only necessary to know that love is a direction and not a state of the soul. If one is unaware of this, one falls into despair at the first onslaught of affliction.
—Simone Weil
Once you've found a location you like, make sure you consider the size of the setting in relation to the kind of ceremony you're planning. Will your guests overflow an intimate chapel or be lost in a huge cathedral? If you have your heart set on inviting two hundred people, they won't all fit on your cousin's cabin cruiser. Of course, if location is more important to you than number of people, your choice of setting can help determine how many guests to invite.
Be sure to investigate all the practical considerations: What is the rental fee? Are there additional fees, such as for cleanup or security? Is there ample parking? Dressing rooms with lights and mirrors? Churches in particular may have dress codes; are there restrictions regarding attire, flowers, candles, decorations, or music? What equipment—sound system, extension cords, decorations, runners and canopies, kneeling cushions—is available, and what will you have to provide?
What is the policy regarding photography? Through whom are deliveries (flowers, musical equipment, gifts) coordinated? Is a rehearsal necessary for the ceremony? If so, when will it be held and how long will it take? Will there be any other ceremonies held there the same day? If so, how will conflicts be avoided?
If you are choosing an outdoor setting, what will you do if it rains? What about bugs? Sun? Will people stand and, if so, is the ceremony brief enough? Is it quiet or is there a lot of background noise—cars, airplanes, caterers clanking dishes in the next room?
If you're planning to hold both ceremony and reception in the same place, how will the ceremony end? In a church ceremony, the wedding party and guests all file out into a receiving line or on to the reception hall. But if the location requires that you stay in the same room as the wedding, what will you do? One possibility is to have the officiant declare at the end of the service, “I now invite you to come forward and congratulate the bride and groom.”
THE LIGHT IN YOUR CEREMONY
Light, usually in the form of candles, has always played a significant part in the traditional wedding ceremony. Light is our essence; it inhabits us and we seek it—in all its manifestations. Light creates brilliance; it means illumination, the most profound knowing that we may ever achieve. It also refers to the sun—the source of light that sustains all life—and to the moon, the light of emotion, which is the inspiration for romance.
Thus, as you plan your wedding, you will want to be aware not only of the “lighting” of your ceremony—how the church or garden is actually illumined—but also of what additional light you choose to bring into it. Words are light to the mind; music is illumination to the spirit; light of the incandescent bulb and the flame are light to the eye and the inner eye, respectively.
In Ceremonial Flourishes, I have included some special rituals with candles; but you will also want to consider what, overall, is the role that you want light to play in your ceremony, and what is the message you wish to have conveyed by it? Do you want an outside ceremony, conducted under the afternoon sun, indicating that you are willing to submit your marriage to the scrutinizing light of day? Or do you want a nighttime, candlelit ceremony, emphasizing the mystery and the romance?
Would you like to have the entire congregation light small candles at a particular juncture of the ceremony (for example, just before you recite your vows), so your promises may seem to be made more vivid by the flood of light? Would you like to have each of your guests, upon entering the church (or meadow or synagogue), light a small candle which they can then leave at the entrance to greet you when you walk out as a married couple? Or to pass a single lighted candle from one to another until finally the officiant will install it (symbolically holding the flame of everyone's light) in a candlestick on the altar?
Would you each like to walk in with a candle (symbolizing your individual light), then ignite a single candle on the altar with the two of them? Or light candles together, symbolizing the illumination that is possible in union? Perhaps you would like each pew or row of chairs to be marked off by a candle, so that in entering the church the bride will walk down a pathway of light.
Light fills our souls with a sense of the infinite light. So enlighten yourselves, your guests, and your life, by flooding your wedding with light!
MUSICAL CONSIDERATIONS
Music has great power to draw us together, to touch us deep in our souls, at the place far beneath where language begins. In fact nothing, not even the setting, will do more to create the mood and spirit of your wedding.
The spoken portions of the ceremony will resonate their meanings to a higher and lovelier degree when they are set off by music. Music creates a meditative and reflective mood and, when juxtaposed with the spoken word, enables you and your guests to feel even more deeply the meanings of what is being said. Music is particularly effective as a kind of meditative punctuation after the readings, the address, and the exchanging of the vows.
Choose each musical selection as an expression of some unique aspect of your relationship, a reflection of something you've experienced together or of the hopes you hold for your marriage. There are, of course, numerous traditional wedding selections: the march from Lohengrin, the “Hawaiian Wedding Song,” and “Promise Me.” If these don't suit your fancy or reflect the depth of your feeling, or if they fail to create the kind of ambiance you have in mind, make your own selections. Don't be afraid to use something totally exceptional—a song you write or sing yourself, a Broadway show tune, something you heard on the radio last week, or your favorite Brahms intermezzo. Of course there are different musical genres—classical, popular, jazz. You may feel inclined to stick to one theme, but, again, allow the music to be a reflection of your feelings and your preferences.
Above all, the music should have meaning. If you know a singer, songwriter, composer, flautist, or guitar player, it would be lovely to include their original talent in your wedding. Don't be afraid to ask; it's an honor and a pleasure for most musicians to perform, even if they're not first-rate professionals. Let the love they express through their gift, and your love and appreciation for them, be a touching part of your ceremony.
Along with the music you include to delineate each step in the unfolding of your ceremony, consider beginning your wedding with a small concert or serenade. If you can, feature live music, although recorded music