You Can Be Happy No Matter What. Richard Carlson
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to him that it was his thinking that was depressing him, he would, in all honesty, say, “No it isn’t. The reason I’m depressed is that I made the mistake, not that I’m thinking about it. In fact, I seldom think about it anymore. I’m simply upset at the facts.”
We could substitute any example for our ex-athlete’s error: A past relationship, a current one “on the rocks,” a financial blunder, harsh words we said to hurt someone, criticism leveled at ourselves, the fact that our parents were less than perfect, that we chose the wrong career or mate, or whatever — it is all the same. It’s our thinking, not our circumstances, that determines how we feel. We forget, moment to moment, that we are in charge of our thinking, that we are the ones doing the thinking, so it often appears as though our circumstances are dictating our feelings and experience of life. Consequently, it seems to make sense to blame our unhappiness on our circumstances, which makes us feel powerless over our lives.
We Are The Thinkers Of Our Own Thoughts
Unlike other functions or abilities that we have as human beings, it’s hard to remember that we are the thinkers of our own thoughts. It’s easy to remember that our voices are the product of our ability to speak. It would be virtually impossible to startle ourselves with our own function of speech because we are so aware that we are the ones creating the noise. We could scream and yell and rant and rage, but we still wouldn’t be frightened by the sound of our own voice.
The same could be said about our ability to ingest and digest food. You wouldn’t eat something and then wonder why you had a certain taste in your mouth — you are always aware that you are the one who put the food in your mouth.
But thinking is different. William James, the father of American psychology, once said, “Thinking is the grand originator of our experience.” Every experience and perception in life is based on thought. Because thinking precedes everything and goes on so automatically, it’s more basic and “closer to home” than any other function we have. We have innocently learned to interpret our thoughts as if they were “reality,” but thought is merely an ability that we have — we are the ones who produce those thoughts. It’s easy to believe that because we think something, the object of our thinking (the content) represents reality. When we realize that thinking is an ability rather than a reality, we can dismiss any negative thoughts that pass through. As we do so, a positive feeling of happiness begins to emerge. If we harbor negative thoughts (pay too much attention to or dwell on them), we will lose the positive feeling and feel the effects of the negativity.
Here is a typical example of how thought can be misunderstood and how this lack of understanding affects us — the “thinker.” Let us pretend that you accidentally spill a glass of water on the floor of a restaurant and look up to see that a man, two tables over, has flashed what you believe to be a disapproving look. You respond with anger. “What’s the matter with that guy,” you think. “Hasn’t he ever dropped anything? What a jerk!” Your thoughts about the circumstance make you frustrated, and end up ruining your afternoon. Every few minutes you remember the incident, and as you think about it, you become angry. But the truth of the matter is, that person didn’t even see you drop the water. He was in his own world, reacting to his own thoughts about an error he had made at work earlier that day. He couldn’t have cared less about you. In fact, he didn’t even know that you existed.
Unfortunately, all of us have experienced this kind of situation many times. We forget that we are only thinking. We fill our heads with false information, which we then interpret as “reality” instead of “thought.” If only we could remember that we are the thinker. If we really could understand that as we think about something, we feel the effects of our thoughts, during this episode at the restaurant, we might have been able to recognize that it was our own thoughts, not another person, upsetting us.
To understand the principle of thought and how it applies throughout the human experience is a valuable gift. We need not constantly be in conflict with our environment and with those around us. We can maintain a positive feeling of happiness, because we no longer feel compelled to seriously follow every train of thought that comes into our heads. You may have no control whatsoever over what another person does, but you can be immune to the adverse effects of your thinking about him, once you understand that you think “thoughts,” not “reality.” Your thoughts, not your circumstances, determine how you feel. An absence of negative thought brings forth a positive feeling.
If you don’t understand this principle, it may seem as though thinking is determined by what the outside world is doing. But it’s actually the other way around. Our thinking shapes our experience of life. The way we think about something and, most important, the way we relate to our thinking, will determine its effect on us. The outside circumstance itself is neutral. Only thought brings meaning to a circumstance. This is why the same circumstance can, and will, mean entirely different things to different people. In our restaurant example, had you dismissed your negative thoughts, the incident wouldn’t have mattered to you. In a healthy relationship to your thinking, you would have your thoughts, but you wouldn’t “run with them” and allow them to upset you.
Our Relationship To Thought
A person’s understanding of the relationship between thought and reality can be put on a continuum:
On one side is thought as “reality.” Clinically, this would be a psychotic, a person who would never use the word thought. A psychotic actually experiences every thought as reality. To him there is no difference between thinking and reality. If he thinks he hears voices telling him to jump out the window, he tries to do it; if he thinks he sees a monster, he runs from it. Regardless of the content of his thoughts, he believes them to be reality, 100 percent of the time.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the person who understands the thought process — a person who epitomizes mental health and happiness — a person who doesn’t take his own, or anyone else’s, thoughts too seriously — a person who rarely allows his thinking to bring him down and ruin his day. A person on this side of the scale can have any thought run through his head and still understand that “it’s only a thought.”
Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes. Very few of us take all of our thoughts so seriously as to be considered psychotic. Surprisingly, however, even fewer of us truly understand the nature of thought enough to fall on the far right of the scale. Most of us don’t understand that we are the thinkers of our own thoughts — we do it to ourselves. Perhaps at times we see it, but only selectively. Our minds will create numerous exceptions to this principle, which keeps us from the understanding we need to implement it in our lives. For example, you might be feeling low one day and have the thought, “I’ll never be able to finish this project.” Rather than saying to yourself, “Oh there go my thoughts again,” and putting an end to the negativity right then and there, you might continue on the same train of thought. You’ll say, “I knew it when I started; I never should have tried this project; I’ve never been any good at this kind of work and I never will be,” and so forth. Proper understanding of thought allows us to stop these everyday “thought attacks” before they beat us up. Recognize these types of thoughts as static on the television set — as interference. There is no value in studying and analyzing static on a TV screen, and there is equally little value in studying the static in our own thoughts. Without a proper understanding of thought, the smallest amount of static in our minds can spiral and grow until it ruins an entire day or even a lifetime. Once you see your negative thoughts as static, interference, you can dismiss them — they are no longer serving your needs. In the example, the negative thoughts about your ability to finish a project are certainly not going to help you finish it.
We all produce a steady stream of thoughts, twenty-four hours a day. Once a thought is forgotten, it’s gone. Once it’s thought of again, it’s back. But in any case, it’s just a thought. In a practical sense, this suggests that to think about something doesn’t mean we must take the thoughts to heart and react in a negative way. Pick and choose which thoughts you wish to react to.
Most of us are capable of understanding this principle for other people, but not