Wonderful Ways to Love a Child. Judy Ford
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to express our love to our children—of the loving actions we need to make.
Wonderful Ways to Love a Child is a guide for all parents who want to put love into action so they can give their children the very best start in life. It’s a prescription to strengthen your family, packed with guidance and reassurance of what I know is possible. Use it daily for comfort and support, and it will empower you to be the kind of parent you want to be. It’s filled with true stories from children and parents who are building strong, nurturing, and loving families. Their stories can show you the way. Please remember these suggestions are not simple tricks; they must be used with integrity, compassion, and all the emotional honesty you can muster. If they are not truly part of you, they will not work.
As a parent, and a counselor of hundreds of others, I have come to see that the most important part of parenting is the quality of the relationship between you and your children—not what they wear, how they comb their hair, whether they finish in first, second, or third place, but rather how it feels to be together. When they are grown and have children of their own, grades will not be remembered, but all of you will remember the quality of your relationship. My wish is that this book will give you some ideas for building a loving, lasting friendship with your children that will help them soar as individuals so that they will gladly come to visit as adults.
As a parent of a teenager, I know how important it is to be reminded of the loving relationship that can exist between parent and child and of the fun and excitement we can share in our homes. I offer this book as an invitation to keep growing in a positive, uplifting direction. Our pediatrician asked my daughter, Manda, at age four, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A person,” she answered.
Yes, it is so: A parent’s calling is to raise a person. By making these loving actions part of your life, you have the power to build the kind of family unit most people long for. And together, if we learn to love our children well, we can save the world.
Parenting is a
two-way street.
As you take them
by the hand
they will take you
by the heart.
Loving yourself is the basis for all that is beautiful and meaningful in the human experience, and parenting is no exception. Simply put, because self-love is the basis of individual responsibility and joy, you cannot be a good parent if you don’t love yourself. For it is through discovering how precious you are that you are able to have the courage and self-confidence that parenting requires; by loving yourself you will have an internal sense of well-being so that, rather than looking to your children for validation, you have your own identity. Loving yourself is the first step toward making room in your life for a new, little person, because when you love yourself you are then able to love your children for love’s sake, rather than for what they can do for you.
What does it mean to love yourself as a parent? It means taking time for yourself daily. Respecting yourself. Pampering yourself once in a while. It means learning about your unique talents and enjoying whatever makes your heart sing. It means sticking up for yourself when you know you need to.
Having a child in your life requires that you love yourself more and more. It’s a daily process in which you come to know yourself as you are, forgive yourself for the not-so-loving parts you uncover, and, finally, take whatever loving action is needed for your personal growth. When you love yourself, you are able to admit your shortcomings, knowing that although things have not always been easy for you, you have done the best you can. When you love and accept yourself, you will not be afraid to grow, to learn, to change. You will feel alive and have the energy you need to enjoy and nurture your family. Since children learn by example, you are the greatest teacher of what loving yourself really means. Here’s a story to illustrate.
Although Kris, age twenty-nine, felt guilty about going back to college, she decided to follow her longing. The kids had to pitch in. They ate more fast food, had less money, and learned daily living skills earlier than some of their friends. At graduation, her children, eight and nine, walked across the stage hand-in-hand with their mom. Upon Kris receiving her diploma, the kids handed her a handmade card that said, “We are proud of you! We did it.” Think about the powerful positive lessons Kris taught her kids by loving herself enough to follow her own heart: that success is possible, that success comes from teamwork, and that there is joy in pulling together.
If or when you find yourself feeling resentful toward your children, saying or thinking, “After all I do for you,” it’s time to shift the focus onto yourself. For when you are not true to yourself, instead of feeling love for your child, you soon start resenting him or her. This wall of resentment is hard to take down. When you are not true to yourself, you feel out of balance and your day gets out of whack; you get angry more easily and snap quickly. Yet when you take care of yourself, your children feel contentment in their bones.
A little person who loves himself grows up to be a responsible adult, able to live life fully. High self-esteem is the best foundation for your children’s future. Experts in child development tell us that when children have high self-esteem, they are able to learn and function better in school, they have friends, they feel connected with others, and they know they belong. They are competent, can make meaningful decisions, and are willing to try. They are optimistic, curious, and enjoy life. Loving oneself develops true character that cannot be swayed by such things as peer pressure or the countless outside influences your child will surely face.
Helping your children accept themselves just as they are is what unconditional love is all about. So above all else, don’t base your love on what they do, but rather simply on the fact that they exist. When Garret asked his dad, “What do you like about me?” his father answered, “You!”
“What about me?” asked Garret.
“What I like about you, Garret, is that you are you. I like you.” One day when my daughter, Manda, was in the first grade, she came home from school and I asked her, “What did you do in school today?” “I can’t tell you,” she announced.
“Why not?”
“Because you’ll get mad.”
Now, of course, I was more curious than ever. So I thought about it for a while and then told her, “Manda, if you decide to tell me what you did in school today, I promise that if I get mad, I’ll just go straight to my room.”
“You promise?”
“Yup,” I replied.
“Well, today we had to write down who our best friend was… I didn’t write down you, Mom.”
“Oh?”
“I wrote down me. I just can’t help it, I like me best! But I wrote you down second.”
I was so pleased; I thought to myself, congratulations, you haven’t ruined her yet. I was glad that she liked herself first and that she recognized her own value, because with this inner sense of self-worth, I knew she would enjoy herself, her school, her friends, and her life.
When youths find themselves through the miracle of self-acceptance, their lives becomes a self-fulfilling journey; suddenly they’re powerful enough to bravely cope with all the challenges and the ups and downs that life will bring. The bonus is, as they learn to be compassionate toward themselves, love for others is sure to follow.
If you have ever rocked a baby in the stillness of the night, then got up with