Better Parents Ask Better Questions. Lindsay Boone's Tighe
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expectation to wear this hat in your role as parent. I have had many people share with me that they readily recognise this role and, without realising it, have even become relied upon to be the provider of answers and advice. It is clear that whilst reliance is not a good thing, being available as an expert to your kids has to be another great way to enable their growth and development through sharing your wisdom and knowledge. Therefore the expert hat is again a valid one to wear, but I should emphasise at the right time and in the right way, which will be explored further very soon!
The mentor
Whilst I acknowledge that there are many more hats that we wear, the final one I would like to consider is that of mentor. There are many ways to describe what a mentor does, but over the years I have settled on there being two clear components to the mentoring roles. The first is that the mentor is there to support another person in their development, and to do this there is an expectation that they will share their wisdom and knowledge from their journey so far. The other feature that defines a mentor is that they have ‘been there and done that’; their role is to guide another person so as to enable them to successfully deal with the challenges that they are confronted with on their journey.
The mentor is a role model and generally someone to whom you aspire. Certainly, when I have utilised mentors in the past I have had a huge amount of respect for them. It has been my desire that, one day and in some way, I would be like them, and my expectations were that they would show me how to reach my goal. Currently, I have a mentor who is a Professor of Philosophy, and whilst I don’t aspire to reach that position, one day I would like to become a wiser person and trust that through the mentoring I receive I am on the road to achieving that aim.
To reiterate, the role of a mentor is a very valuable one that can have a profound impact on people, particularly in their learning, growth and development. We frequently act as informal mentors to others, often without even realising it, and we may also take on more formal recognised mentoring roles with staff or people in more structured settings. Again, it should be emphasised that there is a prerequisite to wearing the mentoring hat in that you will be expected to bring your expertise, knowledge, wisdom and ideas to the table.
We have explored, then, a number of roles that sit traditionally down the ‘teller’ end of our line, and I trust that you can see that in some form or another the role of parent takes on all of these aspects. Whilst I absolutely accept that parents who fulfil their roles well won’t operate entirely from the ‘teller’ space, I ask you to bear with me as I continue to approach these explanations from a purely ‘black and white’ perspective.
The ‘asker’ space
Let’s now go to the other end of our line – we are now in the ‘asker’ or ‘questioner’ space. I invite you for a moment to think about what is different now that we are at the other end of the line. Whilst we could argue that there are many things that are different in the ‘asker’ role, I believe that there are two things that fundamentally set it apart from others. One is to do with what we believe about the person, and the second concerns what we, in theory, need to bring to the table.
Having thought about it for a few seconds, I hope that you can see that firstly we believe the person with whom we are interacting, in this case your child, has knowledge, wisdom and expertise, and it is our role as the ‘asker’ to draw it out of them. To create a visual representation of this in your mind, please imagine that at the ‘telling’ end of the line you are using your hands to gesture a movement of rolling outwards, which represents the sharing of your knowledge and expertise. At the ‘asking’ end of the line, please imagine your hands moving in the opposite direction – a movement rolling towards you, which I think beautifully represents the role here as a Potentialiser to draw out that knowledge, wisdom and expertise in your kids.
I have shared this imagery with thousands of people in my workshops, and many people have said to me that the image of me standing there using my hands to represent the ‘asking’ to draw out knowledge, wisdom and expertise was so profound that they remembered it years later. Let’s hope it stays with you as a powerful reminder of the importance of enabling kids by asking them questions. Indeed, you will note that in the ‘asking’ space you bring a different belief about them. May I suggest that you see them as being resourceful, creative, knowledgeable and wise, with expertise that is far more amazing than even they realise. Remember, when you are at the ‘telling’ end of our line, your standpoint (often unconsciously) is that you don’t believe these things about them; in fact, you probably believe (or at least infer) that they know nothing. Another perspective that I often share here is that at the ‘telling’ end of the line it is all about you, whilst at the ‘asking’ end of the line it is all about them. Wow! How powerful to realise these things!
Now let’s look at the second thing that is different at the ‘asking’ end of the line. In theory, I don’t need a solution to the problem or issue or to be the expert, because the assumption is made that they have the answer and therefore my role is just to draw it out. Now, I know many of you are saying: ‘But what if they don’t know the answer?’ In that case, asking would be a waste of time; it may be true that they don’t know, in which case you can revert to ‘telling’. However, in many instances they do have some ideas, and the very fact that we automatically go to the ‘telling’ space means that their ideas never see the light of day! So, asking must be the best first response. Later in the book we will explore the way you can respond to various scenarios, such as when they appear not to know something, but I felt I had to address this point early on as I know objections come up quickly in people’s minds that are best dealt with straight away.
So, if in theory you accept that you don’t need to have the answer but that your kids do have the answer (or at least some ideas to bring to the table), then I hope it makes it easier to step into a ‘questioning’ mode because you recognise that you are there to draw out wisdom rather than to convey information or answers. If you see this ‘drawing out’ as the way to approach the conversation, rather than being the fountain of all knowledge, you will immediately start to tap into the potential of your kids and the dynamics of your relationship will shift to a more positive, empowering and engaging one.
It will be good to explore the ‘asking’ space a little further, so let me share an example of when I was able to support a client with a goal she had. In this example, you will see that I had no idea how to help her in a traditional ‘telling’ sense, but by asking her Better Questions she was able to be resourceful and find the answers herself. This particular client had come to me because she wanted to make a number of changes in her life – and one of these changes was that she wanted to get fit and run a marathon. What was interesting for me to acknowledge was that I was unable to stand in the ‘telling’ space because I had never run a marathon; I had no personal experience of having to train for a marathon, and I also couldn’t draw on expertise from experiences of friends or family as they had never run a marathon either. I hope you can see that I couldn’t be teacher, trainer, educator, expert or mentor – I could only be an ‘asker’.
This was one of my first conscious experiences of being an ‘asker’ rather than a ‘teller’, and whilst I confess to feeling a little apprehensive because I wasn’t able to help in the traditional way by giving advice, I stuck to the principles I knew about asking Better Questions. I have to say that I was amazed by how resourceful my client was and how she was able to find her own answer to her problem. It wasn’t that she was incapable of finding answers to achieve her goal, it was that she had not given herself enough focused time (and the right questions) to enable her to find the strategy that was going to work for her. Using the skills that I am going to share with you throughout this book, she was not only able to identify her success strategy, but within a matter of a few months she was able to put it into place to successfully run her first half marathon.
I share this story so that you can see that when you can’t provide answers to problems, you can still help your kids to find answers themselves by asking Better Questions.