Better Parents Ask Better Questions. Lindsay Boone's Tighe
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The important thing is that you make this choice, rather than simply ‘going with the flow’ in an unconscious state, and end up operating in a way that wasn’t what you set out to do.
Case example
A lady who attended a series of workshops that we were running shared with us an inspiring story that had the audience in tears as she explained her progress when using the technique of asking questions instead of telling her daughter what to do. She described her relationship with her teenage daughter prior to attending the workshop as being very tense, and she felt that they were ‘head to head’ in arguments nearly every time they tried to have a conversation. It seemed it was impossible for them to agree on anything. They had even reached a point where it seemed easier to avoid talking to each other.
During the workshop, she realised that she was adopting the role of a Mum who ‘always knows best’ and that she consistently told her daughter what to do. She genuinely believed that she was right and that this was the way to be a good parent. Whilst in some instances this may have been the case, she recognised that if their relationship was to improve, and if she was going to allow her daughter to mature, start thinking for herself and take responsibility for her own ideas and actions, then she was going to have to start to reassess herself and the way she was interacting with her child. Her parenting style had to change.
During the follow-up workshop that she attended with me, she explained to the group how, after the first workshop, she had returned home with the knowledge that she needed to change and to put what she had learnt into practice. She began using the techniques shared in this book and became a questioner and listener rather than a teller. She was amazed how positively her daughter responded and was shocked to find that their first conversation, where she wore a different hat, lasted a good 45 minutes. Previously, their conversations had been brief and usually ended up with voices being raised and both parties getting upset – and yet, magically, by using the techniques learnt, she had created a different outcome.
She went on to report that during the weeks following the first workshop, her relationship with her daughter had been totally transformed and she felt that they had re-established a healthy and loving mother–daughter bond.
For me, this report was very moving because it demonstrated that not only had this wonderful Mum been prepared to be open-minded about herself and recognise some limitations in her approach; she had also put into action what she had learnt to amazing effect. The philosophy behind achieving this outcome was simple. She had demonstrated beautifully that with openness and willingness to change and do things differently, using questions can transform your relationship with your kids.
This is a great example of consciously choosing how you wish to fulfil your role, and the good news is that you can choose at any time to change.
I came across an expression a few years ago that I really related to at the time: sometimes we fall into the trap of having an ‘integrity gap’. What I understood by this term was that there are times and situations in our lives when the person we are does not match up with the way we would ideally like to be. During my experiences in life, there have been times when I have felt compelled (based on my perceived expectations) to act in a certain way, which would not ordinarily be the way I would choose to be. For example, there have been times where I perceived it would be expected within my role to be ‘tough’, and whilst I never valued or liked being like this, I did it because it was expected of me.
What happens, of course, is that when we are operating out of integrity, we not only use a lot more energy in doing what we do, but also we do not feel good about what we are doing. There is a nagging voice within us that tells us that something isn’t sitting comfortably, but frequently we push it aside and hope it will go away. In the long term this cannot be a good thing for our mental, emotional or physical health.
What is great about aligning your actions with your values is that there is no ‘integrity gap’ – you do things in the way that you feel good about. Simply by living in a society, there has to be some compliance with the norms and values of that society, and so it is really important for you as an individual to stamp your values on your parenting role – and I believe this is what makes parents BETTER parents.
My beautiful friend Vanessa, whom I believe to be a fabulous parent of three gorgeous children, summarises the importance of how we think about our role in this explanation: she suggests that we need to think about the difference between short-term and long-term parenting. She says that she tries to use the question “What will be the effect of whatever I am doing in the long term with my kids?” Many parents, she feels, parent in the moment and don’t think about the long-term consequences of what they are doing. Vanessa clearly values the impact of her parenting in the longer term as well as in the moment. Thinking of our own values and what is most important to us is certainly essential food for thought when we are considering what our parenting role is!
To conclude this chapter, I’d like to suggest that parents who have a desire to ask Better Questions will highly value:
•empowerment
•flexibility
•open-mindedness
•fulfilling potential.
There will be more on the skills and qualities required to be a great questioner in a later chapter, but I hope this is a starting point for you to candidly consider your own parenting style and the way you fulfil your parenting role.
Chapter 3
What else drives ‘telling’?
The previous chapter provided some valuable insight into helping you to think about your role as a parent and the way you go about getting things done. I am sure that most of you will relate to that sense of conformity and ‘fitting in’ to the norms, and also of unconsciously conforming to the way things are or have been done in your upbringing and culture, rather than by a way of your choosing.
I’d now like to take some time to highlight what other factors are at play in our role definition that need to be given further consideration to help us deal with the challenge of being less of a ‘teller’ and more of an ‘asker’. I always find that when we consider the prospect of asking more questions of someone instead of telling them what to do, there is some internal resistance that comes from the person who is doing the asking. In this chapter, I will attempt to deal with some of the actual or perceived issues that arise for the person who assumes the role of an ‘asker’.
I am going to work through a practical example that you will be able to relate to and that will help to demonstrate the points I’d like to make. Let’s imagine that a parent, let’s call him Joe, has a 10-year-old child, Sophie, and that historically, mainly due to a lack of awareness, he has been more of a ‘teller’ than an ‘asker’ and so has created an habitual way of responding to her.
The example we will use is where Sophie goes to Joe with a problem and Joe simply responds by advising his child what to do. Indeed, Joe identifies with the ‘telling’ space because he considers himself to be helpful and has always believed that dealing with situations in this way was best. However, fortunately Joe has recently attended a workshop where he learnt the skill of asking Better Questions. Whilst at the workshop, he realises that he has been too much of a ‘teller’ in the past and decides that when he returns home he will start to ask some of those Better Questions.
Joe returns home after the workshop, and he hasn’t been back long when Sophie approaches him with a problem she is having with her homework. Sophie undoubtedly will have an expectation that her Dad will provide a solution for her – after all, this is what has always happened in the past. Joe is feeling a little apprehensive about changing his approach and asking some Better Questions of Sophie, believing that she will not be comfortable if he adopts this approach. He is concerned that Sophie will think he is in a bad mood or that she will think he is being unhelpful; after all, Dads are meant to be there for