Real and Phantom Pains: An Anthology of New Russian Drama. John Freedman
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lingerie store, goes inside, warms up his hands, looks at his watch, gets embarrassed, leaves, goes back in the opposite direction, enters the previous store, tries on hats again – one, another, a third. Finally chooses one and buys it, puts it on and goes back out on the street.
In the café the six pay their bill and prepare to leave. Someone washes his hands, others endlessly keep putting things on while somebody helps someone else put something on.)
BUSHY-TAIL (Looking over the business card. To ORANGINA, who takes her picture): What do you do?
ORANGINA: I’m a designer. I make everything beautiful. You know how that is?
BUSHY-TAIL (Nodding in the direction of Maniac): What about him?
MANIAC: I have the luxury of doing nothing whatsoever at the moment. Sometimes my friend and I (embraces BLIZZARD) hire prostitutes and we film it on video
(BLIZZARD gags. BUSHY-TAIL’s eyes get real big. ORANGINA takes advantage of the moment and photographs it.)
LENOCHKA: Ooh, yuck
SNOWFLAKE: That’s his stupid idea of a joke
BLIZZARD: Want some chewing gum?
LENOCHKA: Is it strawberry?
ORANGINA: My favorite
SNOWFLAKE: My perfume is strawberry
SNOWSTORM: I’ve been wondering how come it smells so sweetly of strawberries
LENOCHKA (Takes the chewing gum from BLIZZARD’s hand and then takes his hand in hers): What an interesting hand. Now, now, now, now, now – let’s look at this in the light
MANIAC: What about me?
SNOWSTORM: Do you believe in palm readings?
MANIAC: Tell my fortune
BLIZZARD: What do you see?
MANIAC: What are you looking so hard for there?
SNOWSTORM: Careful, Lena. He’s jumpy
LENOCHKA: You have a very strange life line
BLIZZARD: Why?
LENOCHKA: Because it breaks off
BLIZZARD: Okay –
SNOWSTORM: So now you live on with the weight of this painful paranoia hanging over you
MANIAC: How much time does he have left?
LENOCHKA: You have about –
MANIAC: The years are numbered
BLIZZARD (Pulls his hand away, hugs it to him): Knock it off. I don’t want to know.
LENOCHKA: I realize, you probably shouldn’t do that
SNOWFLAKE: That’s serious stuff
ORANGINA: You have a beautiful T-shirt. What’s that written on it?
LENOCHKA: Angels don’t weep
ORANGINA: What about yours?
SNOWSTORM: Masturbating is no crime
MANIAC: What do you think?
ORANGINA: I think it’s a sin
(SNOWSTORM has left, but he comes back.)
SNOWSTORM: I forgot my case
BUSHY-TAIL: I thought I saw someone forgot a case
SNOWSTORM (Picking up his case): That was me
BUSHY-TAIL (To SNOWSTORM): I forgot, what’s your name?
SNOWSTORM: Blizzard
BLIZZARD: Blizzard – that’s me. He’s Snowstorm. “There once lived two fine friends – Snowstorm and Blizzard.” You know that song?
BUSHY-TAIL: No
BLIZZARD: That’s about us. He wrote the lyrics. I wrote the music
SNOWSTORM: But we’ll sing that for you another time
BUSHY-TAIL: How come you have such funny names?
MANIAC: Because they’re homosexuals
BLIZZARD: He’s joking
SNOWSTORM: Does that bother you?
BUSHY-TAIL: I don’t care
SNOWSTORM: Somebody gimme a smoke
BLIZZARD: Here
MANIAC: You like to dominate?
BUSHY-TAIL (Remaining alone. Looks over the business card): In the Far North there’s never anything to do. There’s nothing except theater. And in the Far North women really dress up beautifully to go the theater. It’s not like here. People here just wear whatever they wore to work when they come to the theater. Where I come from, women put on evening gowns and jewelry, and they never fail to put on heels. When you walk to the theater the fresh sea air comes in and it smells like fresh-cut cucumbers. That means the fishermen are beginning to sell their day’s catch of smelt – that’s a kind of fish. It smells like fresh cucumbers.
(The six are out on the street. They head in the direction of the office, slowly, deliberately, taking their time, chewing their gum, looking around, sometimes just stopping and standing there. Once again, someone forgot something, so they went back to get it. Someone puts on glasses, someone else takes something off and asks another to try it on. They exchange clothing and laugh, looking at their reflections in storefront windows and car windshields. Someone pulls out a make-up case, someone else steps off to the side and talks on their cell phone.)
SNOWSTORM: Unlike you I simply have no talent for talking to women. For some reason I start lying immediately
BLIZZARD: You just have to think that they have nothing you want
SNOWSTORM: But that’s not true
MANIAC: Just pretend it is
BLIZZARD: Coffee, ice cream with mint and don’t look ’em in the eye
SNOWSTORM: I do just the opposite. I look deep into their eyes
BLIZZARD: She’ll think, “how come he’s not looking at me”
MANIAC: You look at ’em later
SNOWSTORM: I made a date for dinner with this one girl. I call her up and confirm and then I come to pick her up and call her and she hangs up on me
MANIAC: What the hell are you confirming? Dinner dates aren’t office jobs, you know
BLIZZARD: Did you talk to her about love?
SNOWSTORM: What’s there to say about love on the phone?
LENOCHKA: Women don’t accept commands
ORANGINA: Women only understand presents and aromas
MANIAC: Women have to listen to everything all the time, to convince themselves and others that they are wanted 24/7. That used to be done by letters, now it’s telephones and text messages
BLIZZARD: People have started hiding behind text messages
MANIAC: Orgasm. Sex only in words, only in text messages. Without that you’ve got a temper tantrum
BLIZZARD: Her underwear didn’t match her eyes
MANIAC: And she already wore that dress last time
BLIZZARD: To another restaurant
MANIAC: And not with him
LENOCHKA: You are exceedingly cynical
MANIAC: I can’t deny what’s true
(They ascend in a transparent glass elevator, shake off the snow, take off their gloves, mittens, caps, and scarves and wipe off their foggy glasses.)
LENOCHKA: