Real and Phantom Pains: An Anthology of New Russian Drama. John Freedman

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Real and Phantom Pains: An Anthology of New Russian Drama - John Freedman


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a coupla different kinds of crosses. I didn’t want anything ostentatious, nothing with gold chains, you know

      MANIAC: Well, that one’s just right

      SNOWFLAKE: I always sit and cry when I watch that film. God, I love it

      MANIAC: Are you macho?

      BLIZZARD: Macho sometimes. You gotta always be ready. I can turn on the tough-guy

      SNOWFLAKE: Over 35, smart. No, I don’t admit the possibility of a man without brains

      BLIZZARD: Sometimes I’m as soft as a baby’s kiss

      LENOCHKA (Looking at BUSHY-TAIL): A whole utopia of feminine innocence and female infantility

      BLIZZARD: I’m a prince. Really. In fact.

      MANIAC: Weak, jumpy and jaded

      LENOCHKA: You have to awaken men’s pity. You know? But as a child, not as a woman. Make them want to feed you, put you to bed, kiss you tenderly on the forehead and rub iodine on your banged-up knees

      BUSHY-TAIL: Why?

      LENOCHKA: That’s what all women want

      BLIZZARD: And men

      MANIAC: Everybody wants back in the womb

      BUSHY-TAIL: Yesterday a couple got married at our church. They were really young. They were all surrounded by little kids and then all the old women ran up to congratulate them. It was really beautiful

      MANIAC: A woman’s imagination is excited by a prince on a white horse and a wedding with fleurs d’orange at 20, at 30 and at 60

      LENOCHKA: Which is entirely natural

      MANIAC (Sniffing the air): And howling winds blow the sands of Morocco past our faces

      BUSHY-TAIL: It smells just like autumn leaves

      LENOCHKA: Only don’t start smoking here

      SNOWFLAKE: If you smoke next to her you are liable to be blinded by a flash of bright light. You can be injured or burned

      MANIAC: I’ve finally figured it out. I’m going to be a homosexual

      LENOCHKA: Why do you say that?

      SNOWFLAKE: Don’t accept sin into your heart

      MANIAC: You’re not going to be jealous of men, are you?

      SNOWFLAKE (In MANIAC’s direction): Only don’t be obsessive about it

      BLIZZARD: We’ll just try it on for size

      (VOLODYA’s apartment. The alarm clock rings. VOLODYA gets up, washes, does his exercises. Turns on the iron, irons his shirt and his pants, checking the folds on his pants leg.

      The street. MANIAC, SNOWSTORM and BLIZZARD. They smoke. It’s snowing. It’s cold. Snowstorm has stripped off his shirt, baring his breast to the elements. Steam rises from his body.)

      MANIAC (Clapping BLIZZARD on his bald head): Looks good on you. You’re the man

      BLIZZARD: That’s not what’s important

      SNOWSTORM: What’s important for you?

      BLIZZARD: I myself don’t know. (Looks over his life line.) The funniest thing about it is – my life line really does break off. It used to be really long and all normal, but now it’s like there’s this white spot all over my palm

      MANIAC: Oh, screw that

      SNOWSTORM: Go wash your hands

      BLIZZARD: Easy for you to say

      SNOWSTORM: Nobody’s got a guarantee

      BLIZZARD: You’ve gotta be ready for death at any moment

      MANIAC: Now that’s my warrior, that’s my samurai

      BLIZZARD: What if Lenochka’s a sorceress? She’s got a really heavy eye

      MANIAC: Have you ever noticed her eyes are different colors?

      SNOWSTORM: Like David Bowie

      BLIZZARD: Come on, get off it. It’s time to get back to the grindstone (Heads back in the other direction.)

      MANIAC: Only please don’t be late

      BLIZZARD (Digs through SNOWFLAKE’s purse, spritzes on her perfume): I’m going to make one more strategic move

      SNOWFLAKE: Just don’t drown yourself in that stuff

      ORANGINA: Who are you doing that for?

      BLIZZARD: I have an interview

      SNOWFLAKE: Be careful. Never say what you really think

      BLIZZARD: Why not?

      SNOWFLAKE: Because everything changes so fast

      BLIZZARD (He’s all dressed. Tosses keys to SNOWSTORM): I’ll be back around 10 or 12. (To ORANGINA.) Will you get Snowstorm back to my place?

      ORANGINA: All right.

      MANIAC: Lemme give you a kiss on the forehead

      SNOWSTORM: Come on, let’s hit it!

      BLIZZARD: This is called taking a leap into reality

      PART TWO

      AWE

      BLIZZARD walks out onto the street. Breathes in the fresh air. Claps himself on the pockets and realizes he forgot his cell phone. Thinks. Decides not to go back. Pulls eye drops out of his pocket and releases drops into his eyes. Wipes off the tears and goes looking for his car. He vaguely remembers where he parked it. Puts on his Gucci sunglasses and checks out the people walking by, hurrying to work in the morning. He smiles at everyone, delights at a simple sunbeam as if he were a paragon of virtue who loves all people and nature too. Big, fat snowflakes hit him in the face.

      BLIZZARD: We live in a very severe country. Wherever nature has beauty, it’s a severe beauty. Very severe. If there is friendship, it’s severe. Too. Our people are genuine heroes who live – by living their lives. They are very severe people, I would say they are severe in the extreme. Their life journeys – are very severe. And exalted. No sentimentality. No indulgences. People here have always had hard lives. The guy who founded Moscow. And the guy who founded St. Petersburg. (Smokes. Thinks.) Want me to tell you a story about my life? A real, severe life story. A tale of grief, despair, manic-depressive psychosis, sin, debilitating passions and addictions that have come to us from infernal hell itself. Write it down, give people a chance to read it, a tale of weakness and strength, of tears, my heart, fears, love, Adam and Eve, warmth and cold, black and white. I’ll tell you what real whiteness is; when a man no longer sees his own arms and legs, when the whiteness blinds his eyes and he goes blind, goes blind forever. In order to die right here and be reborn. Pure and innocent. Like the white, newly driven snow.

      (BLIZZARD is covered in snow. He comes out of his reverie but can’t find his car. He has no idea where he left it. Keeps looking, finally finds it. Standing next to his Lexus is VOLODYA. He carefully looks over the license plate then carefully looks over BLIZZARD.)

      VOLODYA: This your Lexus?

      BLIZZARD: Yes

      VOLODYA (Shows his badge): May I see your ID?

      BLIZZARD: Sure. My pleasure

      VOLODYA (Looking over BLIZZARD’s ID): Open up your trunk

      (BLIZZARD opens his trunk.

      ORANGINA, LENOCHKA, SNOWFLAKE, MANIAC and SNOWSTORM with BUSHY-TAIL. They lie around on rugs and pillows, drink tea from China tea cups and smoke a hookah. The girls’ bared shoulders sparkle with glitter, SNOWSTORM’s head lies on ORANGINA’s stomach, she combs his long locks with her fingers.)

      ORANGINA: No matter what you say I’m always the man


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