Real and Phantom Pains: An Anthology of New Russian Drama. John Freedman
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imposing they might be
LENOCHKA: They’re all a bunch of unflappable wolves
SNOWFLAKE: They are utter babes
LENOCHKA: They play with their toys and think they are the center of the universe
ORANGINA: A man is a babe is a babe is a babe and then, suddenly, he’s an old geezer
SNOWFLAKE: They are incurably infantile
LENOCHKA: No, I don’t need men at all. I can’t even think about men any more
SNOWFLAKE: Men should not be thought about at all
BUSHY-TAIL: What’s that supposed to mean?
SNOWFLAKE: You have to play with them. If you think they are thinking, think again – they are thinking something else entirely
LENOCHKA: Or they aren’t thinking at all
SNOWFLAKE: A man is not susceptible to being remade. You’ve got to take him in the bag he comes in and then just put him where you need him
ORANGINA: On the other hand, how can you do without a man?
SNOWFLAKE: You can become a lesbian
LENOCHKA: You can give yourself up to total nihilism
SNOWFLAKE: But that’s carrying it too far
(LENOCHKA’s phone rings but she doesn’t answer it.)
MANIAC: Husband?
LENOCHKA: He’s no husband. He’s a cad. A maniac.
SNOWFLAKE: How many times have I warned you? Don’t ever admit anything. We deny everything.
LENOCHKA: But he’s the one who said only the truth can save our relationship (Cries.)
ORANGINA: Lenochka – fresh air and fresh fruit
SNOWFLAKE: Here, I can give you a pill
LENOCHKA: What is it?
SNOWFLAKE: Why can’t a person just have a regular pill, a tranquilizer?
LENOCHKA: Will it help?
SNOWFLAKE: In twenty minutes
MANIAC (To BUSHY-TAIL): People suffer from a lack of understanding of their own sexuality and by the age of 30 they lose their mind incontrovertibly
SNOWFLAKE: Every person thinks in his or her own box
MANIAC: A hotbed of psychic ailments
LENOCHKA: A global failure to communicate
MANIAC: This is horrible, what they’re saying here. Just horrible
ORANGINA: It’s incontestable
MANIAC: A bunch of old wives’ tales and laundromat philosophy. A gaggle of amateurs!
BUSHY-TAIL (Distracted, looking out the window): They predicted it would snow by late morning and, sure enough, it began snowing late in the morning.
SNOWFLAKE: Snow white white
ORANGINA: As white as white can be
LENOCHKA: I have the sensation we are flying upwards
BUSHY-TAIL: Where I come from in the Far North nobody ever clears the snow away. They just clear out narrow passages. The snow drifts stand higher than a person’s head. And people there don’t walk like they do here. There they kind of shuffle their feet. Because they are used to spending so much time walking on ice. It’s always cold and dark and people light fires and they don’t ever complain to anyone. That’s because they think it’s like that the whole world over. Life there’s hard.
(The street. VOLODYA and BLIZZARD stand by the Lexus. VOLODYA looks through the trunk. BLIZZARD looks at his watch and at VOLODYA. He clearly has begun to be nervous.)
VOLODYA: You can close it now
(BLIZZARD closes the trunk.)
Take off your glasses
(BLIZZARD takes off his sun glasses. They stare each other in the eye. VOLODYA puts BLIZZARD’s ID into his pocket.)
You’re coming with me down to the station.
(They go.
LENOCHKA, MANIAC, SNOWFLAKE, ORANGINA, BUSHY-TAIL and SNOWSTORM. They meandered and danced and talked but they never got tired. Finally they begin collecting their things, putting on their coats, paying the bill, looking at their watches.
MANIAC (To the girls): Want some candy?
LENOCHKA: Is it good?
ORANGINA: The colored ones taste better than the solids
MANIAC (Studying the wrapper): The colored ones are more interesting
SNOWFLAKE: It’s all chemicals and nothing else
MANIAC: What is benzoate nitrate?
ORANGINA: What is modified starch?
SNOWSTORM: Just what I wanted
LENOCHKA: The first time I ever ate these things I nearly gagged on all the sugar, I just gagged on it
MANIAC: And if you leave them out a little bit then they really get like rubber
SNOWSTORM: I had these friends who were taking some concoction for bodybuilding and they mixed something else in there, too. You’d drink that stuff and, man, you’d instantly love everybody, ’cause everybody was suddenly so smart and so cool
SNOWFLAKE: Try drinking that alone
LENOCHKA: I can’t do it
MANIAC: I did and I threw up
SNOWSTORM: Everybody throws up at first
MANIAC: Basically, there is no reason to love people
LENOCHKA: Yeah, but you have to
MANIAC: By nature people are vile and greedy
BUSHY-TAIL: I love people, though
ORANGINA: Those are your rose-colored glasses talking
MANIAC: My friends would take those tranquilizers they give cats before taking them on a trip. Turns out those things are really strong psychotropics
SNOWFLAKE: Man, what people won’t take
LENOCHKA: And why, is what I want to know
ORANGINA: I read about this one guy who specially raised jellyfish in an aquarium and then he’d dry them and eat them
SNOWSTORM: This other guy would catch scorpions, rip off their tails, dry them and smoke them
LENOCHKA: The historical record shows that there were people who ate nothing but clay
SNOWFLAKE: Or nothing at all
LENOCHKA: I’ve read that clay is teeming with life
MANIAC: Everything is teeming with life
ORANGINA: I used to eat dirt when I was a kid. To win bets
MANIAC: I still do that all the time
SNOWSTORM: We’re all of us all just the same
(The police station. BLIZZARD is being searched. They unzip his pants and search down his underwear. They pull out a small packet, call over witnesses, run tests, take fingerprints, collect a urine sample – in short, they found drugs.)
BLIZZARD (For the hundredth time): I’m a musician. I’m not an addict. I’m a good guy. I don’t deal. It’s for my own personal use. I bought it off an Armenian. I’ll give you a written pledge not to leave town
VOLODYA: A musician you say
BLIZZARD: I’m just a DJ
VOLODYA: