Life & Love. Lisa Messenger
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all about acknowledging the tiny, easily glossed-over events and moments that balance out the badness. It’s like a flip that keeps me grounded in the positive. If I’m in the car sitting at an intersection and the driver next to me beeps for not moving fast enough, I’ve trained my brain to notice the beautiful tree on the sidewalk: thank you.
It doesn’t stop the bad stuff happening to me. It doesn’t stop me spilling my breakfast down my white shirt before a meeting or realising I’ve double-booked an important work trip on the same weekend as my friend’s hens party. But it enables me to reassess my reaction. My brain is constantly switching, switching, switching, to move quickly through anything that’s stressful.
I have other rituals I follow too. If I feel my emotions moving into a negative place – jealousy, envy, anger or insecurity – I imagine that my whole body is full of black, cloggy disgustingness like tar, filling me up from my toes to the top of my head. Then I visualise a tap releasing the thick, black liquid and watch it seep and ooze out of my body until I’m clean, light and bright again.
I love easy visualisation exercises like this because no one can tell you’re doing them (a bit more subtle than squeezing a stress ball in a business meeting). Here’s one for you to try: when someone really upsets you or drains your energy, imagine surrounding them in a pink bubble – once they are in a bubble they can no longer touch or effect you. I gently let that bubble float away. See the different energy here? It’s all about letting them go, rather than screaming and ranting and raving. I have found this to be very, very powerful. Sometimes I’ll take this one step further, and this might sound weird, but I have a beautiful little pink box that I keep in the freezer. Someone told me years ago that if someone is really upsetting you, write their name down and place it in a box (with love), put the lid firmly on and freeze it. I know, I know, it sounds woo-woo (trust me, as I write this I wonder a little about my sanity), however, it has helped me over the years.
These simple tools might or might not work for you, but they help me to move through emotional yuckiness. The best thing? These tools don’t cost a thing, they take a matter of seconds to practise and what do you have to lose? You’ll just have a little less space in your freezer!
THE POWER OF ‘NO’ AND PROTECTING YOUR ATTITUDE
On two occasions, I’ve actually walked out of business meetings before they were due to end. In both instances – and this takes some courage – the only explanation I’ve given has been, “I’m really sorry, but your energy doesn’t feel right to me and I can’t stay here any longer.”
Yes, they’ve looked at me like I have five heads and perhaps I could have used less hippie language, but for some reason those words ground me and expressed how I felt in both moments. They reminded me to leave the toxicity, the negativity behind in the boardroom when I left and not carry it out with me.
It was about looking after me and honouring my boundaries, and in both of those moments I couldn’t have cared less what those left behind thought of me. There is power in that.
It might sound wacky but I’m sure a lot of people reading this can identify. Whether it’s a business meeting with someone who’s drained you or a catch-up with an old girlfriend who just wants to bitch about people you both know. Perhaps it’s a family member who is a glass-half-empty type and spends hours in a monologue about the slipping standard of society.
Another person’s toxic energy can be draining, exhausting and demoralising and it’s important to protect yourself. Make no apologies for doing so. As I’ve worked on myself and become more in tune with my core, I’ve also become more sensitive to other people’s energy. That’s why I now make a conscious decision to be around fun, uplifting, bright, light, positive people, because negativity is contagious and will hook you in. For me, this manifests by making me feel drained and worse, low and even sad.
Choose to be around positive, inspiring people and put yourself in places and spaces that uplift you. Most importantly, don’t worry about removing yourself from situations that aren’t feeding and nurturing you. This rule still applies even if (and I’m sorry if I sound harsh here) the person in question has been in your life for a long time. I once had a mentor who said to think of life as a train – people get on your carriage, you may travel happily together for a while and then get off at different stations. It’s not about judgement, but accepting you’re on a different route. Everyone has their own journey, their own agenda, their own motivators, and sometimes other people cause you to be unnecessarily critical, negative and resentful.
There are so many people out there willing to point out your flaws – how your idea won’t work, that you look too fat or too thin. The people in your life should give you momentum, pushing you forwards, and if they’re not, then call an end to your journey or at least go your separate ways temporarily. Maybe your paths will cross again down the track. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
This leads me onto the most import aspect of attitude for me – you are not your past, you can be anyone you want to be. Perhaps in the past you’ve been labelled a certain ‘type’ of person – a pessimist, an introvert, a troublemaker, someone who is ditzy, bright, quiet, difficult or conventional. It’s not too late to change if you want to, to be whoever you wish to be, to break the mould and morph into any personality trait you wish to inherit. Nobody’s personality or purpose is set in stone, and don’t let anyone tell you who you are, or who you’ll be forever.
If I’d listened to people, I’d still be working as a secretary in a real estate office, which is great for some people but it wasn’t my passion and I had no genuine interest in it. It was my first real desk job after being a pony trekking instructor. I was there for 18 months and remember my dad saying when I quit, “Why would you leave such a great career path?”
Luckily I had the strength, stubbornness and thrill-seeking mentality to say that it wasn’t for me. You have to allow yourself the courage to take risks, to be free, to hope for more and say ‘fine’ isn’t enough. I think something fantastically fabulous is out there for us all.
Every day we have the opportunity to be reborn, if we give ourselves permission to forgive yesterday’s mistakes – from the small to the big – and be liberated from the past. I wouldn’t be the person I am now if I hadn’t hit rock bottom around the lifestyle I was leading when I was partying, drinking and dancing on tables. Today I still dance on tables, only now I can remember it the next morning and I do it for fun, not because I need attention.
If you remain attached to those stories, those arguments, those ‘ugh’ moments that make you cringe when you think of them, you will get stuck. And what a waste of the rest of your life that will be. We all have the power to flip the switch, change our attitude to gratitude and illuminate not only our world, but everyone’s around us.
If I had a dollar for every person who’s asked me, “Lisa, how are you so confident?” I’d be able to retire immediately. Not that I would. I’d go bonkers, can you imagine? But my point is, I’ve realised that confidence – or lack thereof – is an issue that people from all walks of life battle with. Forget the elixir of eternal youth, if a pharmacist could create a magic potion for confidence, it would be a sell out.
A lot of people don’t understand how I can be so sure of my decisions, so relaxed around new people and stand on stage in front of a hundred suited, booted, bigwigs talking with so much self-assurance. But it hasn’t always been this way. I wrote in Daring & Disruptive about how I overcame my absolute terror of public speaking via an extremely embarrassing gig where I totally froze on stage. We’re all shy sometimes. Yes, everyone. Even that actress, singer, businessman, yoga teacher or politician who performs or stands before a crowd for a living. I read that singer Adele gets so nervous before going on stage that at an Amsterdam show she escaped out the theatre’s fire exit, and she regularly throws up before her big moment. We all get nervous; we’re only human.
But