Watering my Crown. Sunshinegoldenchild .
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YOUNG WOMEN AS POSSIBLE. MAY THIS BOOK INSPIRE SOMEONE TO ALSO LOOK INTO THEMSELVES, PEELING BACK THE LAYERS THAT GREW HARD OVER THE YEARS AND FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH THE AMAZING WOMAN BENEATH THEM,
over and over again
Tell yourself
’I AM A WORK OF ART, A PORTRAIT OF MY SOUL. I AM DIVINE LIGHT, WRITTEN IN THE FLESH.I AM POWERFUL, I COMMAND SPACE. REALLY, THERE IS NO END TO ME.
THE WOMEN WHO SPARKED INSPIRATION IN ME FORA SHIFT IN MY THINKING AND LOVE OF SELF WERE MAYA ANGELOU, SIPHOKAZI VETI, SONYA RENEE TAYLOR, CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE AND CHIDERA EGGERUE. AND THE COUNTLESS NAMES OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN MY REAL AND DIGITAL LIFE WHO INVITE ME TO BE A PART OF THEIR JOURNEY.
Dont allow this world to break you
WE ARE ALL HEARTBROKEN AND FORGOT HOW TO SIMPLY BE ourselves. OFTEN TIMES WE HIDE BEHIND OUR „ONLINE LIVES” THAT WE HAVE CREATED, INSTAGRAM APPLIES A FILTER TO EVERYONE’S LIFE TO MAKE IT LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL AND EXCITING. MOST OF US LOVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THERE, DISTRACTING OURSELVES FROM DEALING WITH OUR ACTUAL REALITY.
WE ALL FALL TRAP TO PROCRASTINATION, SLOWLY LOSING TOUCH AND FOCUS AND THEN ENDING UP IN A STATE OF FRUSTRATION, FEELING LONELY AND EMPTY BECAUSE WE CONFUSE WHAT’S "REAL" WITH THE FAKE HAPPY IMAGES WE ’VE PUT UP TO CONCEAL OUR LIFE. MANY CHOSE TO HAVE HOURS-LONG TEXTING CONVERSATIONS WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME INSTEAD OF A REAL CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON FACE TO FACE. MAYBE BECAUSE THERE ARE NO EMOJIS IN REAL LIFE. I SPEAK FOR A WHOLE GENERATION, I SPEAK FOR MY GIRLFRIENDS WHO SEEK VALIDATION THROUGH STRANGERS ATTENTION AND LIKES BECAUSE SOMEHOW THOSE BEGAN HOLDING MORE WEIGHT TO BUILDING OUR SHALLOW CONFIDENCE THAN OUR MOTHER’S REASSURANCE „BABYGIRL YOU ARE FINE THE WAY YOU ARE, YOU DON’T NEED ALL THIS EXTRA MESS“.
But social media trained our eyes to blur the lines between what’ s real and what is phoŧoshopped.
WE TEND TO FORGET OR EVEN IGNORE THAT WHEN WE TURN OFF OUR PHONE, OR THE BATTERY DIES AND ALL THE APPS CLOSE DOWN, IT ISJUST US AND OUR THOUGHTS. AND THEN IT IS TIME TO ASK "HOW DO I FEEL? AM I HAPPY WITH THE WAY I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW?”
AND I HAD TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT I WAS NOT FEELING VERY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. IN FACT, I FELT THERE WAS THIS HUGE AMOUNT OF MENTAL BUILD-UP THAT I’VE BEEN KEEPING MYSELF DISTRACTED FROM CONFRONTING. CHILDHOOD ISSUES, GENERATIONAL TRAUMA, UNHEALED HEARTBREAK, HAUNTING NEGATIVITY FROM THE COMPANY I KEEP, FEARS OF THE FUTURE, BODY IMAGE INSECURITIES (…) YOU NAME IT. AND I ALLOWED THE PILE TO GET BIGGER AND BIGGER, I GUESS I ALMOST FELT „COMFORTABLE“ AND USED TO FEELING THIS WAY. AND THEN THERE IS THE WORLD AROUND YOU, WHO’S MADNESS IS HARD TO IGNORE OR ZONE OUT OF.
HONESTLY, HOW DO YOU FIND YOUR PEACE OF MIND IN A WORLD WHERE INNOCENT FAMILIES ARE BEING TORN APART AT BORDERS, FLEEING FROM WARTORN COUNTRIES, MOTHERS SEEKING A BETTER LIFE FOR THEIR CHILDREN. WHERE WHOLE BUSTLING NEIGHBORHOODS ARE HALLOWED OUT BY BOMBS AND NOW REMAIN GHOST TOWNS. WHERE YOUNG MEN FEEL PRESSURED TO CROSS OCEANS ON NUTSHELL BOATS BECAUSE THEY CANNOT FIND WAYS TO PROVIDE FOR THEMSELVES IN THE COUNTRY THEY GREW. JOURNEYS THAT TAKE MANY LIVES. DESTINATIONS THAT MAKE FALSE PROMISES AND THEN PERSECUTE YOU FOR BELIEVING THEM.
WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE YOU CAN BE EXECUTED BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN THE WRONG GOD. WHERE THE LAW OF YOUR COUNTRY CAN DICTATE WHO YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LOVE. WHEN PEOPLE WORK MINIMUM WAGE, GET EXPLOITED AND ROT THEIR SOUL TO FEED THEIR CHILDREN AND STILL STRUGGLE TO MAKE ENDS MEET.
WHEN THE GOVERNMENT FEEDS YOU POISON TO THEN PROFIT OFF YOUR POOR HEALTH.
WHEN FOURTH-GRADERS ARE SEXUALLY ACTIVE AND NINE-YEAR-OLDS ARE CONCERNED WITH THEIR CELLULITE.
HOW TO FIND PEACE WHEN EVERY DAY THERE ARE WOMEN BEING BEATEN BY THEIR HUSBANDS IN FRONT OF THEIR CHILDREN IN ORDER TO SECURE THEIR DOMINANCE INA PATRIARCHY SOCIETY. WHEN IN 2019 WOMEN STILL HAVE TO FIGHT FOR EQUAL RIGHTS AND THE GENERAL RIGHTS TO DECIDE OVER THEIR OWN BODIES.
WOMEN STILL CANNOT WALK THE STREETS OR DO THEIR JOBS WITHOUT BEING HARASSED OR OBJECTIFIED.
THERE IS DIVISION EVERYWHERE, SPLIT INTO NATIONALITIES, TRIBALISM, DEMOGRAPHICS, SOCIAL CLASSES, GENDER IDENTITIES AND WHATEVER OTHER CATEGORY YOU CAN COME UP WITH.
LET ME STOP, YOU GET THE POINT.
I don’ ŧ know if „back in the days“ life was easier, I am still young myself but I am beginning to lose the naivety in my eyes that guarded me from seeing a lot of nasty truths when I was a child.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT ALL THIS, BUT I KNOW I WANT TO DO SOMETHING. MAYBE IT STARTS WITH LOVE, WHICH IS A VERB, AN ACTION WITH THE INTENTION OF DOING GOOD FOR SOMEONE. LOVE MATTERS THE MOST IN THE PRESENT MOMENT, BEING COMPASSIONATE TOWARDS THE ONE BEFORE AND THOSE BEHIND YOU.
I WILL ADMIT, SOMETIMES I FEEL FOOLISH FORTHINKING OF LOVE AS A „WEAPON“ TO COMBAT ALL THE BAD THIS WORLD SUFFERS FROM. BUT THEN AGAIN I REMEMBER ALL THE ONES WHO I LOOK UP TO AS REVOLUTIONARIES AND THEIR LEGACIES WHICH ALL BOIL DOWN TO LOVE WHICH THEY HAD FOR THEIR PEOPLE BEFORE AND BEHIND THEM. STUDYING THOSE PERSONALITIES FURTHER I REALIZE WHAT THEY ALL HAD IN COMMON: LOVE FOR SELF FIRST. YES, I AM CONVINCED THAT LOVE REALLY IS THE ANSWER.
I WROTE THIS BOOK TO DOCUMENT MY WAY OUT OF DEPRESSION AND BACK TO THE MIDDLE, BACK TO MY INNERMOST-SELF, FALLING BACK IN LOVE WITH HER. SHARING WITH YOU WHAT HELPED ME, I TRIED TO BE AS TRANSPARENT AS POSSIBLE. MAY IT BE OF SERVICE TO YOU.
Let’s go back
THIS PART OF THE BOOK WAS THE HARDEST TO WRITE AND IS THE MAIN REASON WHY IT TOOK ME SO MANY YEARS TO FINALLY FINISH IT. NOT ONLY IS IT DIFFICULT TO REALLY LOOK INTO YOURSELF AND RELIVE YOUR MOST HEARTBREAKING MEMORIES, THAT YOU BURIED SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE OF YOU, FAR AWAY FROM YOUR DAILY THOUGHTS WITH THE HOPE THAT ONE DAY THEY’LL JUST DISSOLVE… BUT THE CONSTANT INTERNAL DEBATE ON HOW MUCH I REALLY WANT TO PUT OUT THERE TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD, IS WHAT HELD ME BACK FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
I DON’T WANT MY FAMILY READING CERTAIN THINGS AND BEING CARRIED BACK TO A TIME THAT CAUSED US TO SEPARATE, NOW – YEARS LATER – WHEN WE ARE TRYING TO MEND BACK WHAT ONCE BELONGED TOGETHER. I DON’T WANT MY HUSBAND LOOKING AT ME IN ANOTHER LIGHT WHEN HE LEARNS SOME MORE DETAILS OF MY STORY THAT I TRIED TO COVER UP FOR SO LONG BEING ASHAMED. I DON’T WANT MY FRIENDS TO THINK I AM ANY LESS OF THE STRONG WOMAN I SHOW MYSELF OFF TO BE. I HELD ONTO MY STORY FOR A VERY LONG TIME. EVEN THOUGH I OFTEN WROTE ABOUT IT, I KIND OF WROTE „AROUND“ IT, USING DETACHING METAPHORIC LANGUAGE AS IN MY POEMS. ALLUDING AND ALLEDGING RATHER THAN OPENLY POINTING FINGERS.
But I don’ ŧ want to feel shame anymore, I am who I am despite and because of my stor y .
I DECIDED TO SHARE SOME CONTEXT IN THIS BOOK, SO IT BECOMES MORE RELATABLE, BUT THIS BOOK IS NOT A MEMOIR WHERE I TELL MY LIFE STORY. IT JUST HIGHLIGHTS SOME OF MY MOST PAINFUL MOMENTS WHICH LED ME TO THE DARK PLACE I WAS IN FOR SO LONG AND MY WAY BACK TO LIGHT, BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO LOVE. I DON’T WANT TO BORE
YOU WITH TOO MANY DETAILS BUT PAINT THE SCENE FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE ROAD I’VE TRAVELED. AT SOME PARTS YOU MAY FIND THAT I TOO QUICKLY BRUSHED OVER THE DETAILS AND MAYBE THAT IS TRUE BUT THAT IS NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE LESS IMPORTANT BUT BECAUSE THIS HERE IS NOT MY DIARY SO I DON’T WANT TO REVEAL ALL DEBTS TO THE STORIES.
Nonetheless, these next pages are very personal and I hope you read with eyes of compassion rather than judgment.
FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER OF BEING A TEENAGER I WENT THROUGH PHASES OF BATTLING WITH DEPRESSION WHICH LASTED FROM A FEW DAYS UP TO SEVERAL MONTHS AT A TIME, BEFORE CATCHING MYSELF AGAIN. „DEPRESSION“ ISA TERM I PURPOSELY DO NOT WANT TO TRY AND DEFINE BECAUSE IT FEELS AND LOOKS SO DIFFERENT FROM PERSON TO PERSON AND I CAN ONLY SPEAK ON MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I DON’T KNOW IF DEPRESSION RUNS IN MY GENETICS OR IF IT IS THE RESULT OF THE TRAUMA ENDURED TOGETHER AS A FAMILY, BUT IT IS EASY TO SEE THAT ALL FOUR OF US STRUGGLE WITH DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. MY SISTER’S