Watering my Crown. Sunshinegoldenchild .
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HIM AFTER ABOUT 15 VERY INTENSE MONTHS.
HE TRIED EVERYTHING TO WIN ME BACK, EVEN PROPOSED TO ME WITH A RING THAT NEARLY TOOK MY BREATH.
SO I GOT BACK WITH HIM AND AS A RESULT, LOST MY BEST FRIEND WHO HAD ENOUGH OF MY LOVE DRAMA. I CRIED FOR WEEKS BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOUR FAMILY ISN’T ALWAYS BLOOD-RELATED BUT SHE KEPT IGNORING ME.
I LATER FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS FIGHTING HER OWN BATTLES IN SILENCE AND WOULD HAVE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE FOR HER BUT I WAS SO WRAPPED UP IN HIM THAT I DID NOT SEE IT. I WASN’T A GOOD FRIEND TO HER.
Then he got deployed to Iraq which changed everything. The war destroyed him and us.
A FRIEND OF MINE WHO I HAD FALLEN OUT WITH AND WANTED REVENGE TOLD HIM THAT WHILE HE’S OUT THERE I WAS OVER HERE WITH A NEXT MAN AND HE FELL FOR IT. WELL, HE NEVER TRUSTED ME TO BEGIN WITH. ALL MY TEARS AND PLEAS DID NOT HELP.
HE HAD A WAY WITH HIS WORDS THAT CAN CUT OPEN. HE MADE ME FEEL SO SMALL AND WORTHLESS, REALLY MADE ME BELIEVE LIKE I WAS NOT DESERVING OF LOVE, ESPECIALLY NOT HIS.
HE BROKE MY HEART AND I FELT LIKE MY WHOLE WORLD WAS FALLING APART.
… so I decided to make a big move.
American Stories
I WAS ABOUT TO TURN TWENTY AND HAD FINALLY GRADUATED, WITH HONORS MIGHT I ADD. I WAS SO DONE WITH THIS LIFE HERE, I FELT LIKE NOTHING ELSE WAS HOLDING ME BACK AGAIN AND I NEEDED A FRESH START SO I BOOKED A ONE-WAY FLIGHT TO HOUSTON, TEXAS, WHERE I HAD TWO AUNTS LIVING FROM MY FATHER’S SIDE.
My plan was to get accepted into the „University of Houston“, become a psychology major and begin life in the „promised land“. But it all took a wrong turn.
I UNCOVERED THAT MY FATHER’S IDENTITY WASN’T WHAT HE TOLD THE WORLD ALL THESE YEARS AND THEREFORE I WAS NOT ELIGIBLE TO JUST START UNIVERSITY LIKE ANY OTHER AMERICAN CITIZEN BUT INSTEAD I WOULD HAVE TO APPLY FOR A DIFFERENT VISA AND WOULD HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANY FINANCIAL AID. MY DREAM HAD BURST LIKE A BUBBLE, ALL MY LIFE I THOUGHT MY FATHER CARRIED AN US PASSPORT AND THAT WOULD OPEN THE DOORS FOR MY LIFE IN THE STAATES. I DECIDED TO STILL STAY AND JUST RENEW MY TOURIST VISA UNTIL THAT WOULDN ’T BE POSSIBLE AGAIN.
AMERICA WAS ALL I DREAMED IT TO BE, I LOVED ALL THE ATTENTION I WAS GETTING AND ALL THE COOL PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO BE MY FRIENDS.
Funny how the tables turn. Even though I was still "different", here I got praised for it and for the first time in my life I was the „popular girl“.
EVERYBODY HYPED ME UPAS „EXOTIC“ BECAUSE OF MY "FOREIGN" LOOKS AND MY CARIBBEAN ACCENT. TEXAS WAS A VERY BLACK, WHITE OR HISPANIC PLACE, THERE WEREN’T TOO MANY MIXED-RACE PEOPLE AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, I REALLY SAW WHAT RACIAL SEGREGATION LOOKED LIKE IN REAL LIFE – BY NEIGHBORHOODS, BY CLUBS, BY FRIEND
CIRCLES OR EVEN SCHOOLS, EVERYBODY STUCK TOWHO LOOKED LIKE THEM - FOR THE MOST PART.
I ATE OUT A LOT, GAINED SOME WEIGHT BUT LIKED IT BECAUSE MY ASS GREW FATTER AND OUT HERE THAT WAS A GOOD THING. I MET A LOT OF GOOD LOOKING GUYS, THE TYPE WHO I WOULD HAVE NEVER DREAMED OF BEING AROUND, I FELT DESIRED AND SPECIAL. BUT IT WAS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT THEY LIKED ME FOR THE WRONG REASONS AND WITH THE WEEKS MY HEART GREW COLDER AND MY NOSE ROSE HIGHER, CONNECTIONS FELT LESS REAL AND I BEGAN FEELING LONELY AGAIN.
EVEN THOUGH ALL THESE MEN SPOKE OF LOVE, I KNEW NONE OF THEM REALLY LOVED ME. THEY TOOK ME OUT EVERY WEEKEND, I PARTIED A LOT AND GOT A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL WITH MY DRINKING.
H-TOWN WAS ALSO THE PLACE WHERE I HAD MY FIRST BLUNT. THERE WAS NOTHING BETTER THAN THE FEELING OF CHILLING IN THE CAR AFTER THE CLUB AND LIGHTING A SWISHER SWEETS GRAPE LACED UP WITH GOOD HERB. DRAKE ’S ALBUM „THANK ME LATER“ BECAME THE SOUNDTRACK OF MY SUMMERAND EVERY SONG ON IT RESEMBLED A DIFFERENT MOOD, A DIFFERENT NIGHT, A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE – ALL IN ROTATION, OVER AND OVER UNTIL I LOST TRACK OF TIME AND PLACE. GETTING FADED BECAME A ROUTINE.
„THROW YOUR HORNS UP GIRL, EVERYTHING IS BIGGER AND BETTER IN TEXAS“, THEY USED TO SAY WHILE STICKING OUT THEIR CHESTS TO REP THEY’RE HOME.
AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF MY „NEW NORMAL“, I REMEMBER STANDING IN THE BATHROOM, GETTING READY TO GO OUT, STARING MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND NOT RECOGNIZING MYSELF. WHO DID I BECOME?… I SHOOK OFF THOSE FEELINGS, PUT ON SOME GLITTER LINER, LIPGLOSS, AND MY
HEELS AND WAS OUT THE DOOR, LOST IN THE NIGHT AND IT’S DEMONS.
To my beautiful daughter and the younger sisters coming after me, I know many men will be attracted by your flowers, but not too many will want to know your roots.
DON’T EXPLOIT YOURSELF BY CARRYING YOURSELF IN AN OVERSEXUALIZED WAY JUST TO IMPRESS THEM. THIS WILL SURELY GIVE YOU ATTENTION, MAYBE EVEN FROM THE ONE YOU DESIRE, BUT IT WILL BE THE WRONG TYPE OF ATTENTION AND IT WILL DISTRACT HIM FROM SEEING THE "REAL YOU". SO NEVER LET SOMEONE ACCESS YOUR BODY IF HE HAS NO INTEREST IN EXPLORING YOUR MIND. FOR SEX IS NOT LOVE, IT CAN ONLY BE SOMEONE’S PHYSICAL EXPRESSION OF SHOWING YOU THEIR LOVE. BUT IF SOMEBODY IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU ALREADY, THEY WILL NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUJUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SEX WITH THEM. They might fall in love with what you are giving them - but not you.
THEY MIGHT EVEN GET „ADDICTED“ TO IT, BUT THEY WILL END UP STICKING AROUND FOR THE WRONG REASONS AND IT WILL TURN BAD AND MESSY.
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
IT CAN EVEN BE DANGEROUS FOR YOUR SPIRIT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE WRONG PERSON BECAUSE SEX IS A RITUAL OF SHARING ENERGIES. CONNECTING YOUR ENERGY WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN’T VIBING WITH YOU ON A DEEPER LEVEL, WHO’S MIND ISN’T RIGHT AND WHO CARRIES DARKNESS IN THEIR HEART WILL PLACE THEIR NEGATIVE VIBES RIGHT INSIDE OF YOU WHILE ENTERING YOUR SACRALITY, YOUR TEMPLE. AND YOU WILL NOT KNOW IT RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE YOU ARE LOST IN THE ACT OF LUST, BUT SOON OR SOMETIMES YEARS LATER YOU WILL SUBCONSCIOUSLY NOTICE HIS BADNESS SPREADING INSIDE YOU LIKE HIDDEN POISON. I KNOW THIS MUST SOUND A BIT EXTREME TO YOU, BUT I LIVED THROUGH THIS.
Be careful who you open up to because in America it was, when „the devil tried me“.
I SAT IN A STRIP CLUB‚JADED AND ALMOST IN A TRANCE STATE, WHEN THIS MAN, HANDSOME WITH NEAT DREADLOCKS, TOOK THE SPOT NEXT TO ME. I WAS ALONE BECAUSE MY FRIEND LINA WAS CHECKING ON HER OLD COWORKERS (YES SHE USE TO WORK THE BAR IN A STRIP CLUB). IT WASN’T MY FIRST TIME IN ONE OF THESE JOINTS BECAUSE IN THE SOUTH THE WHOLE STRIP CLUB CULTURE IS REALLY POPULAR, IT’S ALMOST LIKE GOING TO A REGULAR CLUB. IT IS EXCITING, BIG PIMPED UP CARS PULL UP AND A LOT OF FANCY-DRESSED PEOPLE ARE SHOWING OFF THEIR NEWEST BLING AND ASSETS (LITERALLY). I ALWAYS FELT LIKE I WAS PART OF A RAP VIDEO, OFTENTIMES ACTUAL RAPPERS DID COME THROUGH TO THESE CLUBS.
NOT ON THAT NIGHT THOUGH, IT WAS A SLOW NIGHT AND I WAS SIPPING ON A DRINK THAT ANOTHER MAN HAD BOUGHT ME BUT I HAD LEFT HIM BECAUSE HE WAS TALKING TOO MUCH AND I REALLY WASN’T INTERESTED IN WHAT HE HAD TO SAY. THIS ONE HERE, LET US CALL HIM „ATLANTA“ BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE HE’S FROM, WAS DIFFERENT.
HIS WHOLE VIBE AND ENERGY WERE SO STRONG AND I FELT REALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM, HE SEEMED VERY INTELLIGENT AND ALMOST MYSTERIOUS. HE WOKE ME UP, THE CONVERSATION STARTED INNOCENTLY AND FLIRTATIOUS BUT SOON WE MOVED FROM THE BAR CHAIRS TO A COUCH SETTING AND OUR CONVERSATION GOT DEEPER.
HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE I COULD JUST OPEN UP AND SPILL MY WHOLE LIFE TO HIM AND HE’D BE THERE TO HOLD ME WITH HIS STRONG ARMS. HE HELD MY LEFT HAND WHILE I TALKED, I REMEMBER BECAUSE IT STOOD OUT TO ME, I REALLY FELT LIKE I HAD HIS FULL ATTENTION AND HE CARED ABOUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY.
WE WERE THERE UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING AND THE CLUB CLOSED, I HAD FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT LINA, WHO ENDED UP GOING HOME AFTER SHE COULD NOT FIND ME AND I WASN’T ANSWERING MY PHONE. HE DROVE ME HOME TO HER HOUSE AND GAVE ME A HUG FOR GOODBYE – NO KISS.
I REMEMBER HE SMELLED GOOD, A SMELL THAT I WOULD NEVER FORGET AND THAT SHOULD MAKE MY INSIDES TURN FOREVER.
I TOLD HIM