Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer
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can make it appear too easy to change partners, and so instead of being willing to work on a relationship, many people instead resolve to leave. In some cases the relationship wasn’t salvageable, but I would advise that if your relationship is rocky, make an honest effort to make repairs before you begin swiping.
Picture perfect
A quick word about the type of picture you post online. It’s been shown that an action picture receives more of a positive response than a static one. Plus, a picture of you doing something you enjoy sends two pieces of information — what you look like and what you like to do.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pick the best possible photo of you playing golf, for example. You could even hire a professional photographer to take the snapshot of you swinging a club, if you’re so inclined. Just make it an action shot rather than just you looking into the camera the way you did in your high school yearbook.
I witnessed a young lady taking a wide variety of selfies at a tourist spot in Greece. From the way she was posing, it was clear that these photos were for a dating app. She was being smart because the gorgeous background was definitely more stimulating than a blank wall. So when taking a picture for a dating app, think before you snap.
The Thrill of the Chase, the Bummer of Rejection
When you test drive a car, only you can reject the car. But dating is a two-way proposition, and so you’re bound to be rejected occasionally, or maybe over and over. Rejection is hard but becomes less so when it occurs regularly. The danger is that you put up a wall in order to protect yourself from being disappointed, and that in turn causes you to hide your true personality — thus making it even more likely that you’ll be rejected.
Is it worthwhile to be rejected again and again, each rejection delivering a blow to your ego? If in the end you’re going to discover true love, then the answer would be yes. But to hasten the pace of getting that one Yes you’re seeking, I’d suggest learning from those rejections and seeing whether there’s something you might be doing that is putting others off.
Dealing with ghosting, benching, and other bad stuff
As app dating has evolved, so have those who abuse this new method of finding a partner. That’s not to say that everyone you’d meet using the old methods had perfect manners, but I do find that some of these new ways of making people feel miserable are almost worse as they can be such time wasters.
Ghosting, which you probably know but in case you don’t, means someone just stops communicating without giving any reason why. Suddenly your texts and any other forms of communication might just as well have not been sent.Would you ghost someone? If you would, or if you have, then you shouldn’t feel too badly if someone does it to you. If it’s behavior that you condemn, then chalk up being ghosted as part of the process of discovery and realize that you just learned something about this person that would have made him or her unacceptable to you in the long run.
Benching is when someone is stringing you along. It can be more harmful than ghosting because it gives you hope and might cause you to wait for this person, which is just a waste of time. According to my philosophy, wasting time is the worst thing you can do since we all have so precious little of it. So if you sense that you might be on the bench, forget about this person as quickly as possible and move on.
Orbiting occurs when you think you’ve been ghosted but discover that the person is still checking up on you on various social media sites. Is he/she still interested? Is this a form of flirting or just being curious? It’s hard to tell, which makes this habit very annoying.
Breadcrumbing occurs when someone is leaving a trail of social “breadcrumbs” so that you assume there’s some interest, but you don’t know for sure because there’s no direct contact, and you want to scream, “&^%* or get off the pot!”
The oldies but goodies — Putting yourself out there
I accept that these days a lot more relationships are formed via computers and phones than using the older methods. You almost have no choice but to follow the herd. Notice I said “almost.” The older methods of finding a partner may not be used as much, but they still can work. My advice to anyone looking for someone to date is to tell everyone you know — friends, family members, neighbors — that you’re available. You might think that you’re great aunt doesn’t know any single people your age, but the women she plays cards with might have relatives who would be perfect.
The other piece of advice I have for singles is not to sit home by the phone. I understand that this expression is a little dated since in today’s world your phone goes with you wherever you go, but there are plenty of people who will binge-watch some show, maybe even on their phone, instead of going out. If you’re outside, there’s always the chance of meeting someone. If you glue yourself inside your own four walls, chance meetings are out of the question.
Some people say they don’t like the bar scene, and whenever they go to the corner launderette, there isn’t a single person in sight. So what do you do? You do something that you enjoy. You take a class in a subject that’s always interested you. You go to a ball game. You take your phone to the nearest Starbucks. You can’t win the lottery if you never buy a ticket, and sitting at home is just like being ticketless. I’m not saying that you will meet someone by joining the local book club or going to a religious service, I’m only saying that the odds of you meeting someone increase if you’re out and about. And if you’re doing something enjoyable, at least you won’t have wasted your time.
Finding the Right Partner: Difficult, Yes; Impossible, No
Although I’ll never say that finding a partner is easy (because I certainly faced my own difficulties as a young woman who was an orphan and only 4 feet, 7 inches tall), I will make one assertion — it’s not impossible. Believe it or not, that’s a very big distinction. Sitting in my office chair, I’ve heard too many people say that they can’t find a partner. But that’s just not so. Everyone can find a partner, even a wonderful partner. If you’ve been unable to find the right partner, you may just be going about it the wrong way.
This section covers some common scenarios and pitfalls. Change your thinking and avoid the traps for a better shot at finding love. (For more tips on finding a partner, check out Dating For Dummies, 3rd Edition, by Dr. Joy Browne (Wiley]).
Common mindsets and habits of unsuccessful dating
Why do some people seem to have no problems finding dates, and others never seem to be successful? While it’s easy to blame external factors like your weight or looks or the negative qualities of every other single person you run into, it’s a lot more likely that the real guilty party is your approach to dating. Here are some examples of what you might be doing wrong, assuming that you’re not meeting with any success when it comes to finding a match.
The dreamers
Here’s an example of a search for love that was doomed from the start:
Lonely Lisa
Lisa came to see me because she couldn’t find a man. She was desperate, but what