Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer
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and not rely on merely being able to say no.
A woman who is naked in bed with a man is extremely vulnerable. To count on being able to say no in order to prevent unwanted intercourse is, in my opinion, too risky. That’s not to say that there aren’t scenarios where it is perfectly safe. If the two people have a good relationship, have engaged in sexual activity, and both of them understand that intercourse is not on the table, that is a different story. They’ve gradually come to this position and trust each other. The dangerous situation I’m alluding to is when two people don’t know each other that well — perhaps there is an added vulnerability provided by alcohol or drugs — and she willingly takes off all her clothes but hasn’t made up her mind to go all the way. I’m not excusing a potential rape, I’m just saying that the potentiality increases. Some men will stop at hearing no, but others won’t. It would be a rape, but they’re so sexually aroused that it clouds their sense of right and wrong.
So my point is, if a woman absolutely wants to protect herself from being raped, she should never put herself in a position where her only line of defense is the word no. To me this is just plain common sense based on what I know about human behavior. And my conscience would bother me if I didn’t state my position as plainly as possible.
Determining When the Time Is Right
There was a time when holding hands and kissing might be as far as a couple would go until they were married. Today those barriers have disappeared, and premarital sex is commonplace. In fact, with the way sex is depicted in the media and talked about in the locker room, there is actual pressure not to wait until marriage — or maybe even past the third or fourth date. But you shouldn’t let that pressure affect you.
But having said that doesn’t mean that you aren’t affected by peer pressure. If you’re wavering between yes and no, peer pressure will have a role in your final decision; there’s no avoiding that. To think that you’re immune to peer pressure would be foolish.
Some people decide that it’s not worth arguing with themselves about when is the right moment to have sex and just take the plunge at the first opportunity. If the sex is good, that ends up being a plus on the side of this new relationship, and if it’s so-so or even bad, that might be cause enough to nip the relationship in the bud.
IS HOLDING HANDS SEX?
On the one hand, the question “Is holding hands sex?” seems silly, but there are many people today who don’t consider oral or anal sex as being sex, reserving that term for intercourse only, so the first point I’d like to make is that all physical contact falls on the continuum known as sex. And the continuum is different depending on who you are.
If you’re an Orthodox Jew, shaking hands with someone of the opposite sex is forbidden, even though most people would never think of this gesture as being at all sexual. On the other hand, for many Europeans, kissing both cheeks as a way of greeting is perfectly acceptable, even mandatory, and there is no sexual connotation whatsoever.
If two people meet, sense an attraction, and hold hands, that gesture falls on the continuum of sexuality. How long before it leads to actual intercourse is unknown, but the possibility that it’s heading that way becomes real at that first touch. And that’s why how you handle this simple gesture, having someone try to take your hand, has consequences. For example, if a man tries to hold the hand of a woman and she just pulls her hand away gently, that sends a different signal than if she pulls it away and quickly sticks it in her coat pocket.
When you’re in love
If you’re in love, the introduction of sex will come naturally. You’ll both want to have it, and you won’t be afraid of what will happen. Your love will give you both the confidence that, no matter what happens, the relationship will continue and you’ll both be able to improve, assuming any improvements are needed.
When you like each other — but you’re not sure it’s love
If you’re not in love, at least not head-over-heels in love, but just like each other very much, introducing sex into the relationship will be trickier. Sex is an intimate act, and an increase in intimacy might turn up the volume on your feelings, which would be a good thing. But sex, if it’s just to satisfy curiosity, can make two people less intimate. By having sex, you’ve taken a large bite out of the mystery of the relationship. Maybe you’ll start comparing this person to past lovers. That’s always a risky thing to do but especially if the person isn’t basking in the glow of your love. Shine a cold, harsh light on two naked bodies, and the result may not be so pretty.
Other considerations
Are there other considerations when it comes to deciding to go ahead and have sex with someone? Definitely. Here are few important ones:
Do you feel safe with this person? You’re very vulnerable when you have sex with someone. You’re naked, and at the moment of orgasm the rest of the world gets shut out. If you perceive, either consciously or subconsciously, any sort of dangerous vibe coming from this person, that’s going to interfere with your sexual pleasure. You’ll be less able to let go. And if your gut is offering up warning signs, maybe you should listen.
Does this person make you feel good about yourself? None of us has a perfect body. Clothing masks a lot of imperfections. Take that clothing off, and you’ll likely feel some degree of embarrassment — at least for the initial few times. So does this other person make you feel good about yourself? If you can’t answer yes, maybe you should think