Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer
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then they’re likely to withstand all but the strongest gale. Commitment is the glue that holds a marriage together.
Aha, you thought it was love, right? You thought that, as long as you love each other, you can make it through any storm. You’d be surprised at how many people love each other but can never stay married. Love is not missing in their life together; commitment is.
Maybe she’s more committed to her job. Maybe he’s unwilling to commit because he wants to have sex with other women. Maybe they’re both unwilling to commit in case they meet somebody who may be better for them. A lack of commitment doesn’t mean that partners don’t love each other.
Commitment will also get you through conflict. Two people can’t live together without fighting, at least occasionally. If you’re committed to each other, you’ll be able to negotiate whatever conflicts arise without damaging your relationship.
Handling Children and Commitment
Having children is supposed to be a sign of commitment, but you can’t count on that, at least not anymore. With the example of so many single parents, especially single mothers, raising children on their own, couples just don’t look at children as reason enough to stay together any longer. I don’t think that having children is right if you don’t at least think of yourselves as a committed couple, but, sadly, too many people disagree with me. I say “sadly” not because they disagree with me, but because of what the situation can do to the children.
Never having had a father or a mother around is one thing. But if a child has two parents who suddenly split up, the separation is bound to affect the child. The children may blame themselves for the divorce. They shouldn’t feel guilty because rarely do the kids cause the split, but no matter how much you tell them that they aren’t the reason for the breakup, they won’t believe it. Even if they accept the fact that they didn’t do anything to cause the divorce, they’ll still think that they could have done something to stop it.
Putting Your Marriage First
So if love isn’t enough, and kids aren’t enough, what is this thing called commitment? Its components will be different for each and every person involved in a marriage, but the basic philosophy is the same. Commitment is a willingness to put the marriage ahead of the individual whenever necessary.
Every marriage undergoes trials of one sort or another. One partner may become sick. Money problems may crop up. Parents can put pressure both on their offspring and their spouses. Just the everyday stress of having kids and jobs creates conflicts. And some unlucky souls will face all of the above.
Some pressures are actually easier to handle as a couple than individually. If a natural disaster strikes, such as a flood or an earthquake, it’s obviously better to be two people struggling to go on with your lives rather than one. Even if you’ve lost all the treasures you’ve accumulated over the years, at least you still have someone with whom to share the memories of the past.
Other situations can be especially hard on a marriage. If you have a boss who expects you to work late every night, not only do you have to struggle with your own anger, but then you have to go home and get nasty looks from your spouse, who is sick of being alone every night. When one person gets caught in the middle and can’t bear the pressure, then either the job or the marriage may have to go.
Strengthening Your Marriage
This section looks into what you can do to keep your marriage, be it an existing one or one that is still in your hope chest, from breaking up on the rocks of the 21st century.
Remembering to communicate
Nothing is more essential in a marriage than talking with each other. Telling each other your problems is a way of keeping them from growing to the point where you can no longer solve them. But, you have to be willing to obey certain rules:
You have to listen to the other person.
You have to communicate in such a way that you don’t cause a fight, which means no put-downs, no threats, no needling.
You have to pick the time and place where communications work best. Don’t start talking about a problem when one of you is running out the door, late for work. All you will accomplish is a screaming match.
Here are some other hints for keeping the discussion flowing freely and keeping your marriage healthy and happy:
Keep problems outside the bedroom. Don’t bring up problems about sex while you’re having sex; always bring up sexual problems outside the bedroom. Emotions are at a fever pitch when you’re making love, and if you add the wrong catalyst you can get an explosion. (Of course, if whatever you are doing is painful, then speak up. Whether you want to discuss it at the moment or try something different and bring it up later, don’t allow yourself to suffer unnecessarily.)
Don’t argue about kids in front of them. Never argue about something having to do with the children in front of them. Doing so will give your children the wrong message and, if they choose sides, distort the final outcome. You should always present a united front when you talk to your children, even if you haven’t settled the disagreement. If you give children mixed messages, you can wind up with mixed results.
Think before you speak. Think before you say something — if what you say will hurt the other person’s feelings, maybe you shouldn’t say it.
Don’t be stingy with compliments. Everybody likes to hear good news, so pass it on. This idea is especially important if the other person has invested a lot of time and energy into a project, be it cooking a meal or washing the car.
Make a date to talk. If you’re not finding enough time to communicate without planning for it, then make a date to talk. Certainly, if something pressing is on your mind, then you have to find time to talk it out. But even if you don’t have a particular problem to discuss, remember that, to keep those lines of communication open, you have to use them on a regular basis. Try to pick a time for conversation when the clock isn’t ticking. In other words, if your husband gets up early, don’t plan on talking to him when you get into bed because he’ll worry that it’s cutting into his sleep. On the other hand, if you really need to say something, and he has to take a shower, jump right in there with him. You are married, after all.
Bring up pleasant memories. Going over the good times you shared together can be a soothing balm and help with the healing process of problems you’re currently experiencing. Don’t hide that wedding album in the back of a closet; instead, keep it out where it can serve as a reminder of one of the happiest days of your life.
Check out Making Marriage Work For Dummies, by Steven and Sue Klavans Simring (Wiley), for more information about communicating effectively with your spouse.
Doing things together
Communication is easier if you and your spouse have things to talk about. If you share a hobby, you will always have a topic of conversation that you’re mutually interested in. That