Chapter 19

      19 My Firstborn

      Chocolate Doll

      Skin tone’s a deep dark brown;

      don’t be shame you are the cutest thing around,

      chocolate doll.

      You’re the reason I give my all.

      Brown and silky fine as wine,

      shining just as bright from noon till nine.

      Chocolate girl,

      more precious than any pearl,

      they always say the darker skin is skin so pure.

      In our case, that is so true.

      You are my baby girl, and I’ll give you my all

      because you will forever and always be my chocolate doll.

      I went into labor at 7:00 a.m., January 14, 1992. I didn’t go right to the hospital because the pain wasn’t that bad at first. I also wanted to eat. I was told I wouldn’t be able to eat until I was done. I was nineteen years old, married, and didn’t have a fuckin’ clue as to what I was doing or how my life was truly about to change. My husband was in the army and was stationed in Germany at the time, so I was living at home with my mommy who was a full-blown crack addict at this time and my four sisters and brothers. I was supposed to be in Germany, but by the time they found housing, I was too far along for the plane ride out of the country.

      When I went into labor, my mommy wasn’t there. My sisters and brothers were there taking care of me. She was off on another one of her smoke sessions that lasted days at a time. There is no telling where she was. It was dead of winter and cold as fuck, and there was no tellin’ which crack shack in East St. Louis she was in, but my sister went looking for her for me. I love my siblings to life. They mean the world to me. They have always taken care of me like that. My brother went to get me donuts. I had a little money that I had hid in case of emergencies, and this was definitely an emergency. That left me at home with my youngest brother and sister. They would get me water and hold my hand. I had called my aunt who lived in Centerville to let her know that I was in labor. She had warned me to call the ambulance because it was going to get worse and I didn’t want to be at home when shit got real. I was talking big shit. I told her I had this and, if this was labor, I could have five more kids. She simply said okay and said, “Yo ass gone learn today,” and hung up.

      By 7:00 p.m., I was in the most ridiculous fuckin’ pain I could have ever imagined. I thought she was trying to bust out of my whole body. I wanted to die. I didn’t know if I wanted to stand up or sit down. I didn’t know if my back or my stomach was hurting. The pain was everywhere, and I had no control. I was crying and screaming as I rolled from side to side on the floor. It was horrible. All four of my siblings were rubbing my back, belly, and head telling me it was going to be okay when my mommy finally burst through the door. One of the crack shacks my sister had knocked at early had told my mommy that she had come by and I was about to have the baby. There was one thing about my mommy. I don’t care how much she smoked; her ass would jump into mommy mode in a heartbeat. I believe that is why it was so hard for me to believe she was as bad as people had told me. She had made some fucked up decisions on that shit and did some fucked up things, but she was on her shit when she did show up. On top of that, she never allowed the state to take us no matter how bad shit got.

      There I was, at 1263 Kansas, on my hands and knees feeling like this baby was kicking the shit out my insides trying to get out. The hospital was on Scott Air Force Base in Belleville a cool thirty minutes away. Favorite Uncle had showed up to take me to the hospital. You have to remember, there were no beepers or cell phones back then, so all communication was delayed. I literally was not on my way to the hospital until almost 9:30 p.m. No one should have to endure that kind of pain for that long. Favorite Uncle was more excited than any of us. We piled into his little Mazda 626 and hit it. My uncle was driving like a bat out of hell, and he loved it. He drove like an idiot when there was no emergency, so he was really having a ball this time. Once we got to the military base, the soldier at the gatehouse wouldn’t immediately let us in. My uncle was pissed. The soldier was asking a million questions as I screamed in the back of the car. My uncle couldn’t take it anymore. He, threw the car in reverse, then threw it in drive and slammed the gas pedal down as far as it would go. They immediately raised the gate arm when they realized he was going to ram right through that bitch. He got me to the emergency room door where to military police were waiting on us. It was hilarious.

      They finally pulled me to the back to check my cervix, and I hadn’t dilated enough to get any pain medication or to have this kid. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I was already in pain in what I felt like was forever and being completely dramatic. I was always dramatic, and my mommy hated it. She had threatened to slap me like ten times since we had been there. I never thought my mommy liked me anyway, but that’s a story for later. I knew she meant that shit so as much pain as I was in, I toned it down a notch or two because my mommy didn’t play no games. I was practicing that breathing shit they had taught me at the appointments. That shit did not work. It prevented you from pushing but barely. It finally came time for the epidural and not a moment too soon. That shit was a shot of kindness to my soul. I figured that meant it was time for me to finally get this baby out of me. I would be wrong. I laid there for another five hours to eventually dilate to ten only for her to get stuck on her way out. Somebody fuckin’ kill me right now. My cervix wouldn’t expand enough to get her out. This was some bullshit. Here they come with these huge ass clamps to grab her by the head and pull her out. With a whole lot of effort, 7:21 a.m., January 15, 1992, I became a mother. Her head was long as fuck, but she was so damn cute. I cried but not for the reason you may think. I was disturbed that due to them having to pull her out with clamps, my daughter looked like a Chinese cone head right off the show Saturday Night Live. I just knew they had fucked her up for life. One of the nurses told me not to worry. Her head was soft and could be easily shaped with light rubbing. I rubbed the shit out of my baby’s head.

      I was now a mom. I was allowed to stay in the hospital for three days and then they sent me home. I was alone with this thing. What the fuck had I done? Why in the fuck did it keep looking at me like that? My boobies hurt so damn bad I could hardly take it. This thing cried every time I looked at it. Oh my God, I’m sick of this shit already. It’s about five million rules to the shit. I’m not going to remember all this shit. Every time I did something, my mommy kept yelling at me like I’m supposed to automatically know. I couldn’t do shit right in her eyes anyway, but this was ridiculous. She still left on her smoke binges, so I was at home with this situation a lot. I hated when she left, but I also hated it when she was there. I’ve been home a couple of days, and it finally fell asleep. I can go to sleep now. Thank you, God!

      Holy