God's Broken Lil' Baby. E. Jay Ford
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and changed the diaper, and still for forty-five minutes, it’s just screaming. I can’t take it anymore. I had to call my mommy at my uncle’s house. I’m in full-blown tears at this point. My titties were leaking. I stink. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. My mommy got on the phone, and I begged her to come to get this thing. She immediately started cussing me out as usual. She’s cussing so loud and hard, I didn’t know what the hell she was saying. All I heard at the end was that she was on her way.
She got to the house and grabbed me by the collar and demanded to know the last time I fed her grandbaby. I told her at 8:00 p.m. I fed it at 8:00 p.m. I knew I said something wrong because the expression on her face put fear in my heart that immediately stopped my tears. All of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe. She had her grandbaby in one hand and my throat in the other. She growled, “You dumb mothafucka, she needs to eat every two hours. She’s screaming because she starving! Yo dumb ass should not be having sex if yo ass don’t know what the fuck to do afterwards! And say her fucking name! Call her it, thing, that, or anything that doesn’t reflect her name or gender, Imma beat yo’ ass bloody!” She then threw me to the bed, handed me my baby, and stood there as I pulled out my boob to feed her. She didn’t move until I was done. From that moment forward, she watched me like a hawk with Baby Girl. I couldn’t make a move with the baby without my mommy being two steps on my heels.
I now got a whole baby. This some straight bullshit. It’s been three months, and I’m tired as fuck. I love her, but this job called mother was more than I ever imagined it would be. This shit is nonstop. I can’t fucking breathe. I cry more than I laugh. She’s beautiful. Those eyes and that smile are amazing. Her daddy will be home next week, but I hate his ass right now. I don’t know who he thinks he has become, but he has become extremely cocky. He sent money from Germany. He’s in the army, but you would think he was in prison. He kept complaining because I didn’t save any money. Fuck him. Between my mommy stealing my money for crack and the cost of this baby, I’m dead in the water. The way he was bitchin’, you would think he was sending thousands. He wasn’t.
I’m twenty years old and already married with a baby, and I don’t know what the fuck to do with either one of them. I walked knee-deep into this shit and fucked myself. I’m a fighter, though, so I’m going to have to make this shit work if it kills me. He finally came home from Germany, but we both lived with our parents. This ain’t shit like he promised it would be when he asked to marry me. He said we were going to be like the Huxtables. I can’t believe I fell for that shit. He’s only home for a month, and then he’s off to California to report for duty. I don’t know what’s next for this fucked up family dynamic. How in the fuck do you handle a “nuclear” family when you’ve never been taught to be in a “nuclear” family? I have clearly bitten off more than I can chew. Let’s see how this shit turns out in the end.
You do the best you can when you become a mother. I don’t know if I was suffering from postpartum depression or if I was just an angry resentful little girl that had just given birth to the most beautiful child God could ever have blessed me. I just knew I had to do better than what I was doing. I see all these new mothers boast about motherhood. I must have missed that class because that shit ain’t always that great and even worse when you are living paycheck to paycheck or even less than paycheck to paycheck. I see these parents talk about how spoiled their children are. Your child is not spoiled unless all that money you are spending to give them all this expensive shit is extra money. If all your bills are not paid in full and the child does not have a legacy or a sizeable income at their disposable to fall back on then your child is not spoiled. Yo ass broke and going bankrupt trying to give that child shit they don’t need. You are selling them an illusion of being spoiled. When they get grown, they are going to be the same broke ass that you are spending money they don’t have. The struggle is real.
Chapter 44
44 My Mommy
I Was Touched by an Angel
She leaves as quietly as she comes,
proud but not conceited of the works she has done.
Direct, yet ever so loving,
words soft and ever so touching.
Her beautiful white gown and wings brightly glow,
blinding to look at her halo.
Advice she gives is so simple and pure.
Listening to her makes you feel so secure.
She smiles a smile that you will never forget.
Leaning on her, you won’t regret.
From the description, you would think she’s a vision from above.
Giving strangers all the kindness and love,
descending from the heavens to straighten the threads of life that are tangled.
Believe it or not, right here on earth, I was touched by an angel.
Have you ever had your world rocked so hard that you couldn’t tell if the shit was real? I mean, I’ve been through a lot, and I know everybody has a story to tell. Living that story, living my story, had its moments, but this moment shut me down. She died. My mommy, just out of no fuckin’ where, she died. Cancer was the devil that showed up. Liver cancer was at stage 4 by the time they found it. Yes, it was about over for her before we even knew it. The way life played out this time made me feel like I was cursed or damned. At the same time, I felt like God loved me so much He allowed me to be prepared for what was about to happen. Let me explain.
On March 20, 2017, my entire family came to Florida from Indiana to spend a week with me. My mommy, both my sisters, and both my brothers and all their children had a family vacation with me. It was the most amazing time of my life. We went to Disney World. We had a barbecue at the resort. We went swimming and laughed and talked to the end of the night. It was the best. My mommy almost didn’t come because she didn’t like to travel. I begged her to come, and she finally gave in at the last minute. I was ridiculously happy. It was a week of joyful bliss, and I never wanted them to leave, but they did.
On April 20, 2017, I got a call from my brother telling me the horrible news. Mommy was sick. It was bad. She was throwing up blood and had to be rushed to the hospital. It was weird because this was a time in my life that everything was already fucked up with my relationship with my family. Mind you, some of that shit that was fucked up was all in my head, but a lot of it was very real. I was in a very bad place. I went to work that day and waited to hear back about what had happened in the emergency room. That night, I was told it was cancer, and I died on the inside. The diagnosis was fatal, and she wasn’t going to make it. I booked a flight for the next day. I went straight to the hospital when I got home. I stayed there the entire five days. I never left her side because I knew she wasn’t going to survive this. I had never seen my mommy this broken. The nights were the worst. The pain was so bad I had to crawl in the bed and hold her until they gave her the pain medication. She would cry in my arms and beg for the pain to stop. It was nothing I could do. I wouldn’t cry, though, because I wanted her to know that I was going to be strong for her so she could cry as much as she needed. When she finally fell asleep each night, I would cry myself to sleep. No one knew our nights because she would fake us out throughout the day and fake sleep when she wanted people to leave. I knew what was real. I left the day they released her from the hospital. I told her I would be back next month for her birthday. I had already booked another flight to come back. I gave my mommy a hug and kiss and told her I’d see her in a month. The next month was not good for me. I worried constantly. I called my mommy almost every day. She would always say she was good. She would constantly tell me how proud she was of me. She would give me advice about my children and how well I did with them. My family, on the other hand, was getting on my fucking nerves. All they talked about was how I needed to move back home. I was pissed when I talked to them but I understood where they were coming from at the same time. I hated Indiana with every ounce of my being and refused. I could help take care of my mother as much as I wanted right from Florida. Mommy even told me not to move. She knew I was happy and once she told me that, I was good.
On May 20,