Mindfulness without the Bells and Beads. Clif Smith
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effort will lead to failure.” What does failure equal? Failure equals pain from our brain's point of view. Therefore, my brain served up the belief that this was impossible and added in self-talk such as “Don't even try; who do you think you are?” “It'll be embarrassing when you fail.” “Let's just move on to something more realistic.” Why those thoughts? Because those beliefs and automatic thoughts might nudge me to take actions (or refrain from taking actions) that would avoid failure (avoid pain) and would serve to keep me in my comfort zone (keep me feeling safe). They would also keep me from taking a chance.
Fortunately for me, my colleague asked a number of times over the following three weeks, whether I had applied to Harvard yet. Thankfully, Catch and Release finally kicked in! I let the inner critic have his say, I let go, and asked myself, “If I was able to meet the previous ‘impossible’ challenges in my life, why not this one, too?” The response I got was, “You may not be able to control the outcome of getting accepted or not, but you can refrain from ruling yourself out and can control the effort you put into the application.” Those thoughts led me to take the leap and apply to Harvard. A few months later, much to my surprise and delight, I opened an email from Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government on April 8, 2010, and the first word read, “Congratulations!” It really did feel like I won the lottery but the odds were much better than what my mind was telling me.
What I learned from that entire experience was that we can either be pushed around by and blindly believe every thought that bubbles up in our head or we can see thoughts for what they are, just thoughts. Sometimes thoughts are true, sometimes partially true, and sometimes they are totally false. I also learned that engaging with others is a great way to check our automatic judgments and benefit from other perspectives we may be overlooking. This inspired me to become an executive coach and to teach mindfulness, because they are such powerful tools to uncover and transcend our limiting beliefs and other psychological barriers to success, which opens us up to the opportunities we all come across throughout our lives.
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This is one journey I hope can show you: it's not the past that determines the future; it's the present that determines the future. Mindfulness keeps us in the present moment when we can fully interact with and affect our lives. Where you came from, what your mom or dad said to you when you were little, your socioeconomic status as a kid, or what other people had that you didn't or don't have don't determine whether or not you thrive in this life. It's what you choose to focus on, to develop and do today, in this moment, that determines the quality of your life.
Sure, we can go through life believing thoughts such as “If I had what she had growing up then I'd be where she is” or “Of course he's successful; he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth” or “There's no way someone like me could ever achieve that.” But the cost of indulging in the “comparing mind” and believing those self-limiting thoughts is that it will keep you miserable, in a victim mentality, and in your comfort zone. Is your brain keeping you in your comfort zone? Your comfort zone is where your dreams go to die. It's only by pushing to the edges of our comfort zone and beyond that we can set and achieve goals that stretch us to grow beyond what our thoughts typically tell us about what we can accomplish.
The Army was the first place I got to test out those three mindfulness skills. My time in the military also played a big role in helping me develop a healthy level of self-discipline. It enabled me to connect with individuals with high standards I could aspire to emulate, it showed me the relationship between effort and outcome, it gave me an additional framework of values from which to guide much of my behavior and decisions, and it helped me see the amazing benefits of a life in service to others.
You can start to cultivate those three mindfulness skills wherever you are; you don't have to join the military. Joining the Army just happened to be my first decision on a journey in which many might say I was dealt a “bad hand” from initial life/family circumstances and I could have just folded. I don't think anyone would have blamed me, and I could have used my socioeconomic status as a kid as an excuse to stay small and complain my entire life away. Instead, over time, I learned to play the hand I was dealt and have learned to enjoy the journey, including the ups and the downs. I've tried not to spend too much time complaining about the dealer (God, the universe, parents, bosses), blaming the shuffle (fate, randomness), or looking at other people's cards (people more fortunate than me). None of those things ever helps in the long run.
Instead, enjoy the game, bluff on occasion, and don't be afraid to go all in from time to time. Life does deal us a set of cards in the beginning that we cannot change, but we get to make our own decisions about how we are going to respond to life; mindfulness moves us from automatic reaction to thoughtful response.
Furthermore, we all, every single one of us, get dealt opportunity cards from time to time. We can use those opportunities as catalysts for change on our journey if we are present enough to see them, mindful enough of our internal talk to go after them, and compassionate enough to dust ourselves off after our inevitable stumbles, missteps, and failures (aka learning opportunities).
Like my Uncle Howard, who shared his insights with no strings attached, I promise to do the same. I won't lecture you on what you should or shouldn't believe. I won't subtly imply your political views aren't the right ones. I won't suggest you need to buy a bell, a little statue of the Buddha, or a string of rudraksha beads to learn and benefit from mindfulness. I offer you the following knowledge, insights, and practices to plant seeds and give you tools that can enable you to transcend limiting beliefs, achieve your dreams, and navigate life with a bit more ease.
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FIGURE 1.3 CATCH AND RELEASE.
Source: From 99designs.com/Konstantin. Reprinted with permission of 99designs.com.
Many people never finish the books they start reading. If you are one of those people, no worries, but I want you to walk away with the three key takeaways from this chapter that, if adhered to, will greatly affect your life. You must learn to focus and control your attention. If you don't, someone else will (or already has control of it). It is the foundation on which everything else rests. You must learn to become more aware of internal dialogue and how it affects your state of mind and life. If you are lost in your internal dialogue, you are ruled by it. Finally, use Catch and Release to break the chains of control your inner dialogue has on you. These three skills are mutually reinforcing. Increased ability to command your own attention helps you notice unhelpful internal dialogue, noticing allows you to Catch and Release it, loosening its grip on you, which enables you to more easily command your attention. See Figure 1.3 for an illustration of this process.
Notes
1 1. https://www.toysfortots.org
3 3. Eric Maddox—you may have heard of him; he did all the interrogations that uncovered the whereabouts and led to the capture of Saddam Hussein. Read his book, Capturing Saddam: The Hunt for Saddam Hussein—As Told by the Unlikely Interrogator Who Spearheaded the Mission. He is also an amazing speaker for corporate and other events when inspiring the audience is a high priority. Invite him to speak by connecting with him at www.ericmaddox.com.