Mindfulness without the Bells and Beads. Clif Smith
Читать онлайн книгу.
from Harvard, and continue to fuel my motivation to serve others today. But I needed far more than just my experiences in the Army to move from poverty to prosperity.
My journey has not been linear by any stretch of the imagination. I was raised by a single mother of three. We were on and off welfare for much of my childhood, moved nearly a dozen times and across several states, lived in government-subsidized housing, a trailer park, and even had to stay in a shelter for a time when things went sideways with my mom's boyfriend. At Christmas time, we often got free toys from Toys for Tots,1 and during much of my time in school, we were on a free or reduced-cost lunch plan, which required the issuance, carrying, and “spending” of lunch tokens daily in the cafeteria. Noticing my cheeks turn bright red and dealing with intense feelings of embarrassment and shame when a classmate pointed out that I was getting free lunches was an all-too-common occurrence in my school. These circumstances kept me feeling small, feeling like a failure, and wondering why everyone else had it better than I did.
I was not, you might agree, set up for success. That said, I did not lack love and attention from my mother nor good examples of hard work, discipline, and the importance of family from her, as well as my aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I remember my mother working tirelessly to make ends meet while operating her station on the production line in a shoe factory, which was kind of a family profession back then. My grandparents moved from coal mine country in West Virginia to work at Gettysburg Shoe, in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Everyone in my extended family worked factory or other laborious jobs. Their collars weren't blue; their entire shirt was. Other than my Uncle Ernie, who was one of the main inspirations for me joining the military, the adult family members who surrounded me worked in shoe factories, cabinet factories, dinnerware factories, and quarries. They drove trucks, welded bars, sawed wood, and laid brick. All jobs that were much better than breathing in coal dust like my great grandfather.
My mother bore the brunt of raising us in difficult times, but there was much I'm sure I didn't see because she shielded it from my siblings and me. After each long day's work, my mom would pick us up from the babysitter's house and give us her full attention, ask about our day, and shower us with love. When I was old enough to go to school the schedule changed a bit, and in third grade, I became a latchkey kid. My mother's affection didn't wane, and she always came up with ways to give us opportunities she knew she couldn't provide on her own. One day she heard about a contest for low-income families to win free martial arts lessons at our local martial arts studio, So's Tae Kwon Do.2 She knew, from the stacks of old kung fu magazines and my penchant for wanting to watch every Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee movie a hundred times, that I would kill (pun intended) for a chance to actually learn martial arts and so she entered me into the contest. She didn't tell me about it before getting the results because she knew how devastated I'd be if we didn't win. Fortunately, I was one of the five lucky kids who won and although the free lessons were to last only two months, the owner and head instructor, Grandmaster Chong C. So, was an amazingly generous man. He was the architect of the contest and when he heard my mother was going to cancel “cable and HBO” to pay for my lessons to continue, he said he would keep teaching me for free as long as I was committed to the training (see Figures 1.1 and 1.2). I spent the next two years or so taking free lessons and, although it wasn't explicitly labeled mindfulness, Master So also taught us focused attention meditation and how to be aware of some often-overlooked aspects of our experience as we trained, competed, and navigated day-to-day life. I picked up three things in that program that I carried forward in my life that have helped me thrive.
Three Skills That Changed My Life
The first skill Master So taught us was to recognize, embrace, and be mindful of the sensations and thoughts associated with fear and then still step forward. “What does fear feel like in the body?” and “How does fear show up in the mind?” were questions Master So posed to us. We learned to exercise this skill each time we approached the sparring mat and faced a stronger or more advanced opponent. Notice the fear, and move forward. Notice the hesitation, and move forward. Notice the heart racing, and move forward. It was by turning toward and embracing fear that we learned we could do anything, whether fear was present or not.
FIGURE 1.1 PICTURE OF ME AT SO'S TAE KWON DO TAKING A TEST FOR MY NEXT BELT LEVEL. I'M THE KID ON THE RIGHT ALTHOUGH THE CAPTION SAYS LEFT.
Source: The Evening Sun, 29 August 1986. © Shirley Sherry – USA TODAY NETWORK.
The second skill Master So taught was to be mindful of unhelpful internal thoughts, beliefs, and stories and still move forward despite their presence. These are the automatic thoughts that tell us we aren't good enough, tall enough, or smart enough. They often claim we don't belong, some achievements are only for others, or other people have it better and that's why they're successful, keeping us in a victim mentality. That unhelpful inner dialogue also includes rumination and worry, far in excess of any helpful contemplation of how to face and overcome a challenge or difficult situation. We learned to exercise this skill each time we had to break wooden boards and eventually cement blocks with specific strikes, such as hammer fist or knife hand strikes. As a young boy about to attempt these types of breaks, my mind would race with thoughts of “I can't do this. There are too many. It's going hurt.” Notice the unhelpful thinking; do the action anyway. Each time we did this, we reinforced our ability to move forward despite a weak and fearful mind, which eventually gave way to a stronger one.
FIGURE 1.2 EXCERPT FROM THE SAME ARTICLE DISCUSSING THE CONTEST FOR LOW-INCOME KIDS AND MY MOM'S OFFER TO CUT CABLE AND HBO SO I COULD KEEP TAKING LESSONS.
Source: The Evening Sun, 29 August 1986. © Shirley Sherry – USA TODAY NETWORK.
This skill of becoming aware of unhelpful thoughts and not letting them affect my actions was reinforced by something my Uncle Howard said when we were fishing one afternoon. He said, “Tommy (that's what everyone called me back then), one thing I love about fishing is that you can cast your line into the water and just let all your worries flow down the stream.” At the time, I did not fully grasp the wisdom of this comment. What's most surprising about it, as I've looked back on that interaction, is that the comment was uttered by a mountain man with a big heart, who had lived his entire life in an area outside Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, called “the Narrows.” He shared an insight with me that he didn't have to travel to an exotic land to discover, didn't have to kiss the feet of a guru to gain access to, and didn't have to take on the demeanor, political views, or values of someone else to be considered worthy of learning it. He shared that nugget with me not knowing if I was ready to hear it and not expecting anything in return. He planted the seed and helped me learn to notice that the world has lessons to teach if we only pay attention. And that wasn't the only nugget of wisdom fishing yielded in support of this skill.
Every time we went fishing, we did something called “catch and release.” No, it wasn't a controversial immigration tactic; it was what we did every time we caught a fish. Catch a bass, release it. Catch trout, release it. You get the picture. I turned this phrase into a way to practice the second skill outside the martial arts studio.
The Catch and Release technique became (and remains) one of my most powerful tools for noticing and letting go of unhelpful internal dialogue and fear-driven thinking. Suddenly, I could do the things I was afraid of and attempt the things my mind told me I couldn't do. I would “catch” myself buying into an unhelpful thought and “release” it and any automatic impulse to believe or follow it. “I'm not good enough.” Catch and Release it. “I'll never learn this.” Catch and Release it. “If only we were rich, then we'd be happy.” Catch and Release it. This one technique alone can massively change your life.
The third