Five Plays. Samuel D. Hunter
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been way too long, we’re finally all in the same room / together—
COLE: / The meat in my lasagna was strange.
DORIS: How much is the discount?
BECKY: / Well you know ground beef has a ton of feces in it.
EDDIE: Oh, it’s—it’s fifty percent, it’s half off—
COLE (To Becky): / Feces?
NICK: She thinks you can / get it for free.
TAMMY: Okay, Becky.
KELLY (To Nick): Honey.
(Isabelle enters, goes to Eddie.)
DORIS: Well. / He’s the manager.
ISABELLE: Eddie, Theo is really freaking out about / the fryer in there—
EDDIE: / Okay, thanks, just a minute.
(Isabelle exits.)
BECKY: I read all about it, there’s like a ton of feces in ground beef / because the meat industry doesn’t even—
DORIS: Fifty percent is fine, Eddie, thank you.
TAMMY: / Becky for the love of God.
EDDIE: I mean I can probably get you some free appetizers if you guys want?
MAX (Referring to the wine): / Do you—want more?
EDDIE: We’ve got sauces for breadsticks, this mozzarella fondue thingy—
TAMMY: / Yes!
DORIS: Oh I’m sorry that all just sounds so disgusting.
(Isabelle rushes in, waves at Eddie. Max pours Tammy a full glass.)
ISABELLE: Eddie.
EDDIE (To Nick, Kelly, and Doris): Lemme just take care of this, and I’ll / be right back—
DORIS: Eddie, it’s fine.
NICK: Go back to work, buddy, don’t worry about it.
(Eddie exits with Isabelle. Max finishes pouring the wine and exits. Tammy notices Nick from across the room.)
TAMMY: Nicky?!
(Nick looks up.)
NICK: Oh, God. Tammy?
(Tammy gets up with her wine, approaching Nick.)
TAMMY: How are you?! It’s been forever!
NICK: Yeah, we’re just here for a couple days.
TAMMY: Is this your wife?!
KELLY: I’m Kelly.
TAMMY: She’s so cute! Nicky, she’s so cute!
DORIS: You and Nicky used to date, didn’t you?
COLE (To Becky): / What’s that you were saying about the feces in the ground beef?
DORIS: You were the one with the bangs.
TAMMY: Yes!
DORIS: They were so strange.
TAMMY: / I always admired you for leaving. I doubt Troy and I are ever gonna get outta here. What do you do now?
BECKY (Pulling out her phone): Seriously, the meat industry is horrible, they don’t even care. I saw a video on the internet about how they slaughter cows, do you want to see it?
NICK: / I’m in real estate, in Saint Paul.
COLE: Yes.
TAMMY (Louder than she intends): Holy crap! Too bad for me, I could’ve been— . . .!
(Tammy stops herself, takes a drink of wine.)
It’s so good to see you!
(Becky shows a video on her phone to Cole. Troy reenters with some dirty dishes, sees Tammy with the wine, and goes to her.)
TROY: Tammy, what are you doing?
TAMMY: It was—. It’s just a sample, he offered me a— . . .
(Short pause. Troy turns away.)
TROY (To Nick): Hi Nicky.
NICK: Hey, Troy.
(Troy exits. Awkward pause.)
TAMMY: Well it’s good to see you. She’s so pretty.
(Tammy goes back to her table.)
NICK: Anyway, it’s not that much more money, but it’s a step forward, you know.
DORIS: / Wonderful.
TAMMY (To Becky): What are you doing?
KELLY: / He’s very well-liked.
BECKY: He wants to see it.
DORIS: Well of course he is.
BECKY (Referring to the video): And after the knife goes into their throat and they flip around sometimes the cow gets stuck in the / machine and—
TAMMY (Grabbing the phone): / You’re embarrassing us.
NICK: It’s a small company but they’ve got a great reputation.
DORIS: I’m very impressed.
NICK: Okay, I’m not trying to “impress” you, / I was just talking.
KELLY: / Nick—
DORIS: Nicky please don’t read into what I’m saying, I’m truly very impressed.
(Max, Isabelle, and Troy enter, approaching Cole. Isabelle holds a slice of cake with a candle on top. They start singing. Max and Troy aren’t that into it; Isabelle is very into it, harmonizing toward the end.)
MAX, ISABELLE, AND TROY (Singing): Happy birthday / to you, happy birthday to you, etc.
COLE: What did I say? What did I just tell you?
NICK: / Anyway it’s just—a good thing for me.
TAMMY: Oh Dad. Grumpy grump!
DORIS: / Congratulations.
BECKY: Happy birthday Grandpa.
NICK (Defeated): / Thanks.
COLE: I fought in Korea. Stop singing.
(Max, Isabelle, and Troy finish singing. They all applaud.)
ISABELLE: Abbondanza!
DORIS: / It’s so cold in here. Ask Eddie why they keep it so cold?
BECKY: Mom, I’m not eating this.
TAMMY: / Becky you’re really pushing it.
NICK: Why do I need to ask him?
KELLY (To Nick): Honey.
NICK: / What?
TAMMY: Just blow out the candle.
TROY: Blow out the candle, Dad.
BECKY: Maybe he doesn’t want to blow out the fucking candle.
(Eddie pops his head in, speaking to Doris, Nick, and Kelly.)
TROY: / Becky.
EDDIE: Just give me a minute, I’m so sorry.
NICK: It’s fine.
TROY: / Okay, Dad just—. Blow it out.
DORIS: Eddie why is it so cold in here?
BECKY: / I hate this family.
EDDIE: Oh, uh—I don’t know?
TAMMY: / Why do you say these things?!
DORIS: Well maybe this