Five European Plays. Tom Stoppard
Читать онлайн книгу.
The dinner is all arranged, but I’m on the trail of the Casserola and you must come immediately before it gets cold.
ZANGLER Tell them to put it in the oven. You seem to lack a sense of proportion. I am about to present myself to my fiancée in no uncertain terms, and I’m damned if I’m going to be harried and put off my stroke by the ridiculous self-importance of a jumped-up pastry-cook. Honestly, these fashionable eating houses, they think they’re doing you a favour by taking your money. I told you to wait for me.
MELCHIOR I was waiting for you, sir, and who should arrive by horsecab but the very same seducer I saw leave your home.
ZANGLER There you are, you see!—I should have remained true to the Black and White Chop House.
MELCHIOR He had a young woman with him.
ZANGLER Of course he did—it must be three or four hours since he found himself with a vacancy.
MELCHIOR She was in a Scottish get-up.
ZANGLER Vienna has been overrun with Scottish get-ups, kilts, tam-o’-shanters, Royal Stuart pencil cases and highland flingery of every stripe since the town lost its head over the Verdi Macbeth. In my opinion it’s a disgrace. Even the chocolate cake … Sachertartan! No, no, a Scottish get-up means nothing—there’s even two in the window here …
Weinberl and Christopher hastily resume rigidity. They mustn’t have a proper view of Melchior, by the way.
Damn it, are you deliberately trying to prick my bubble while I stand knocking at my fiancée’s main entrance?
MELCHIOR He called her Marie.
ZANGLER A very common name. I told Gertrud to put Marie into a locked cab and give the coachman an extra fiver if he delivered her personally into the hands of my sister-in-law, Miss Blumenblatt. What could be surer than that?
MELCHIOR A fiver? Yes, I would say that we must be talking of two different Maries.
ZANGLER Exactly. And what yours does is no concern of mine.
MELCHIOR I don’t think she’ll do much. I had a listen and all she said was ‘It’s not proper.’
ZANGLER It’s them!
MELCHIOR No, no, a tart and ward of an entirely different clan.
ZANGLER It’s them!! Quick, fetch me a half-witted cab you hansom fool!
MELCHIOR We’re off!
ZANGLER (leaving) What a situation!
MELCHIOR (following him) Classic!
Madame Knorr’s Fashion House.
Weinberl and Christopher come out of the windows into the shop. Christopher disrobes. Weinberl is late and Philippine enters. Weinberl starts sashaying round the shop in his tartan cloak, for Christopher’s benefit.
WEINBERL What do you think?
CHRISTOPHER It has a certain Scottish audacity.
WEINBERL Ah, there you are at last. Am I addressing the arbiter of this fashion house?
PHILIPPINE I’m sure I don’t know, sir. I will fetch Madame at once. But excuse me, sir, that is a lady’s cape.
WEINBERL I know. I was trying it on for a lady of my size and acquaintance.
PHILIPPINE That cape is reserved. It has a ticket on it.
WEINBERL Yes. I know. (Reads the ticket.) Frau Fischer. I have come to collect it and pay for it.
CHRISTOPHER Not exactly to pay for it.
WEINBERL No, not exactly to pay for it, but to confirm payment.
Christopher has been looking out cautiously through the windows.
CHRISTOPHER I think it is all clear now, Herr Fischer.
WEINBERL Is that clear?
PHILIPPINE I’m not sure. I’d better go and fetch Madame.
WEINBERL Excellent idea.
CHRISTOPHER Meanwhile we’ll be off.
WEINBERL -ally grateful if you would take care of this. (He hands her the cape grandly.)
PHILIPPINE Yes, sir. Did you say Herr Fischer?
WEINBERL Certainly. Would I pay—
CHRISTOPHER Confirm payment.
WEINBERL Confirm payment for somebody else’s wife? (to Christopher) Why don’t you see if our friend is anywhere in sight?
CHRISTOPHER Good idea. I’ll be back in a moment.
WEINBERL Is anything the matter?
PHILIPPINE Frau Fischer has been a widow for three years.
WEINBERL She thinks she has, yes.
PHILIPPINE She thinks she has? What about the funeral?
WEINBERL It was the funeral that put the idea into her head. That she’d always be a widow. However, three days ago she did me the honour of becoming my wife. (to Christopher who has paused in admiration on his way out) You will come back, won’t you?
Christopher goes.
PHILIPPINE I’ll fetch Madame immediately. She’s upstairs in the workroom.
WEINBERL Tell her there’s no hurry—she’s probably busy hemming and hawing.
Philippine goes but instantly returns.
PHILIPPINE But, Herr Fischer, why didn’t Frau Fischer change her name to yours instead of you changing your name to hers?
WEINBERL She did. I didn’t. My name, as it happens, is also Fischer. That’s how we met. We were placed in alphabetical order in a fire drill at the riding academy.
PHILIPPINE Oh, I see.
Philippine goes. Weinberl looks cautiously into the street. While he is so engaged, MRS FISCHER enters the shop. Weinberl bows to her and continues to look out of the window for Christopher’s return. After a few moments MADAME KNORR enters, gushing.
MME KNORR There they are!—They’re both here! And what a couple of naughty children you are!—Oh, my dear friend, why didn’t you tell me?
MRS FISCHER Are you feeling all right, my dear?
MME KNORR No, I am not feeling all right. I am feeling distinctly put out. Fancy being married for three whole days without saying a word to your oldest friend and leaving your husband to break the news.
Mrs Fischer follows Madame Knorr’s gaze towards Weinberl.
However, I forgive you …
She walks round Weinberl.
And now that I see your husband I can quite understand why you kept him hidden away.
MRS FISCHER My husband?
She examines Weinberl with interest.
And