Five European Plays. Tom Stoppard
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(ignoring him) Something not quite the ticket. Sonders is a dyed-in-the-wool Don Juan. He’s turned Marie’s head and for all I know she’s already lost it.
WEINBERL Well, she didn’t lose it in shop-hours.
ZANGLER I’m going to frustrate him.
WEINBERL Frustration is too good for him, Chief.
ZANGLER I’m sending Marie away for a few days. You’ll have to manage the while the till … No—
WEINBERL To while the time …
ZANGLER No!
WEINBERL The till the while?
ZANGLER That’s the boy. You’ll have to manage the till the while, and do the books at the close of business. I suppose you’re prepared to do that?
WEINBERL Very well prepared if I may say so, Herr Zangler.
ZANGLER There will be other changes. Prepare yourself for a surprise. I have always prided myself on being a good master who has made every reasonable provision for his staff.
WEINBERL You have, Chief.
ZANGLER Well, what would you say to having a mistress?
CHRISTOPHER One each or sharing?
WEINBERL Congratulations, Chief! We wish you and your bride every happiness.
ZANGLER Thank you, thank you.
WEINBERL May one ask who is the fortunate young lady?
ZANGLER Actually she’s a widow, in business like me. Well not actually like me, far from it, it’s a haute couture house catering exclusively to the beau monde with three girls working upstairs. What do you say to that?
WEINBERL Well, there’s not a lot you can say, Chief.
ZANGLER What the devil is the matter with everybody! That’s another thing that was worrying me—leaving the place in charge of you two. I need someone with a proper sense of responsibility, not a log-rolling counter-clerk and a cackhanded apprentice.
WEINBERL I’m mortified.
CHRISTOPHER I’m articled.
WEINBERL Who have you got in mind, Chief?
ZANGLER Well, you two of course!
WEINBERL I mean to put in charge with a sense of responsibility?
ZANGLER What would you do in my shoes?
WEINBERL Jingle.
ZANGLER What?
WEINBERL Jingle make any difference just for one afternoon, Chief?
ZANGLER It may be longer. The duration of my absence will depend on how things go at a certain engagement I have this evening. Meanwhile desperate situations call for desperate measures. Master Christopher! Approach!
CHRISTOPHER He called me Master. Is it the sack?
ZANGLER I’ve been paying for your clothes all these years, as you know.
CHRISTOPHER No, I thought you bought them outright when you took me on.
WEINBERL Shut up.
ZANGLER By rights you owe me another six months’ apprenticeship, but to celebrate my nuptials I have decided to forgo those months. I am appointing you chief sales assistant.
WEINBERL Such an honour is granted to such a few. Show your gratitude, then. He’s stunned, Chief.
CHRISTOPHER Chief sales assistant! Oh, Herr Zangler, your bountifulness!
ZANGLER You may call me Chief. Stop snivelling—where’s your—
CHRISTOPHER Thank you, Chief!
ZANGLER Thank-you-Chief—no—
WEINBERL (worried) Hang on, Chief—
ZANGLER Hang-on-Chief—no!—
CHRISTOPHER Will I have my ceremony, Chief? I’ve got to have my—
ZANGLER What?
CHRISTOPHER Initiation, Chief!
ZANGLER Bless you. And we must have the ceremony. Raise your right trouser and repeat after me … I swear.
CHRISTOPHER I swear …
ZANGLER Weinberl, do you remember how it goes?
WEINBERL To strive and to abide.
CHRISTOPHER To strive and to abide.
WEINBERL No—I swear by the sacred apron of the Grand Victualler—no—it’s been a long time …
CHRISTOPHER (rapidly) I swear by the sacred apron of the Imperial Grand Grocer and by the grocery chain of his office, to strive for his victualler in freehold, to abide by his argument which flows from his premises, to honour his custom, keep up his stock, give credit to few, be credit to all, and not be found wanting when weighed in the scales, so help me God!
ZANGLER You may jump the counter.
Christopher jumps.
That’s that. I will inform you of changes in your duties should any occur to me—except of course that you have to buy your own clothes.
CHRISTOPHER Thank you, Chief!
ZANGLER And remember, always give people their change between finger and thumb. Nothing lets down the tone of a place so much as change from the fist.
CHRISTOPHER Right, Chief.
WEINBERL Excuse me, Chief. Am I your chief sales assistant or am I not?
ZANGLER You are not. I have decided to make you my partner. To take effect from the day of my marriage.
WEINBERL (stunned) Me? Your partner?
ZANGLER Yes. As a married man who has come into possession of a couture establishment I will be spending more time away from here. It’s only right that you should have an interest in the prosperity of the business, and probably cheaper.
WEINBERL Partner …
ZANGLER Yes, yes, as soon as my bride has consummated my expansion into her turnover you will be my partner. If you strive and abide you may find yourself in my old uniform. Now—what shall I do? Shall I go or what?
WEINBERL What …?
ZANGLER No, I’ll go.
CHRISTOPHER Good luck, Chief!
ZANGLER I’m going to join the parade and call on my fiancée—It’s her birthday. I’m hoping to have a little sextet outside her hat shop before I take her to dinner.
CHRISTOPHER Outside? In the street?
ZANGLER Yes. I can’t help it. I’m a fool to myself when I’m in love. If I’m not back by morning you’ll know where I’ll be.
CHRISTOPHER In jail?
ZANGLER