Josephine Cox Sunday Times Bestsellers Collection. Josephine Cox
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shook his head and said not another word. Lucy knew he would not be persuaded.
When she departed some half an hour later, he went to his bed to rest, while Lucy made her sorry way home. ‘I want you to need me,’ she murmured as she walked away. ‘I need to care for you, Barney.’
But Barney was already sleeping. He was heart-weary, and for the moment there was only one thing on his fevered mind, and that was his family. ‘God help me!’ he cried. ‘I’ll never see them again … oh, dear God! Dear God!’ When he slept he dreamed, and his dreams were soul-destroying.
Over the following weeks, Lucy visited every day. She and Barney sat in Bridget’s parlour and talked. Occasionally she made him laugh and when he did, she knew it was the thinnest veneer over his hurting, but it was good to hear it all the same, and her heart soared with hope.
Maybe the doctors were wrong and Barney would get better. Maybe there was a future for the two of them – oh, not in the same way it had been with his Vicky, but in a warm, dependent way, with each filling a need for the other, because now they each knew what loneliness was.
All too soon, though, her hopes were shattered.
More and more Barney took to his bed, and though Bridget was a wonderful friend, she found it all too much. ‘Much as I would like to, I can’t run a business and take care of him,’ she told Lucy. ‘And there is no room for you here, you know that.’ In a soft, caring voice she urged Lucy, ‘He really needs to be where he’ll get proper medical help.’
Lucy was at her wit’s end. ‘I won’t let them take him away!’ she protested. ‘I couldn’t bear it.’
With a plan forming in her mind, she went to Barney. ‘Let me take you home with me?’ she pleaded. ‘Bridget has been wonderful, but now it’s my turn.’
Weak though he was, Barney was still adamant. ‘I know she’s been wonderful, and I know she’s finding things difficult just now. But I’m not totally bedridden,’ he smiled, that old cheeky, mischievous smile. ‘So don’t write me off yet, my girl!’
‘Come home with me, Barney. Let me take care of you … please.’
‘So that’s your plan, is it?’ he asked. ‘To “take care of me”?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you think I can’t take care of myself?’
‘I know you can, but for how long, Barney?’
Barney thought about that, because of late he had been growing weaker. ‘And are you prepared to risk your reputation just to keep me from ending my days in a hospital bed?’
‘You know I am!’
Barney gave that same wonderful smile. ‘Then how can I refuse?’
‘Oh, Barney!’ Thrilled that they would be together at last, even though she did not fool herself it would be for long, Lucy threw her arms round his neck. ‘You won’t regret it, I promise.’
Barney laughed. ‘If you don’t stop suffocating me, I won’t be around long enough to regret it,’ he said.
Lucy let go with a look of horror. ‘You mustn’t say things like that,’ she chided.
In serious voice he told her, ‘And you mustn’t pretend I’ll be around forever, because I won’t.’
Subdued, she nodded, the joy gone from her eyes. ‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘But it will be so good to have you near for now.’
And so it was arranged, and surprisingly no one saw the move as anything other than Lucy looking after an old friend. Indeed, they admired her for it.
Over the coming months, Barney and Lucy spent almost every minute in each other’s company. ‘I’m so glad you persuaded me to come here,’ he told her one night when they were seated by the fire. ‘Being here with you has been a joy. I watch you sometimes when you’re hanging out the washing, and I think of Vicky. I’m deeply humbled by the way you’ve become part of my life …’ he smiled wryly, ‘what’s left of it. The doctor told me a year at the outset, maybe less, but lately I’ve found a new strength and it’s all thanks to you, Lucy.’
‘I’m glad.’ Lucy had seen the way he had rallied since coming out to the countryside. ‘But it’s not me,’ she said. ‘It’s the country air that suits you.’
Barney corrected her. ‘It’s not only that, Lucy,’ he said softly. ‘It’s the peace and comfort I feel, just being here, with you.’
‘I wish I could be Vicky,’ Lucy answered. ‘I wish I could get your family back for you.’ If only she could restore his happiness and the family he adored, she would have given up every minute spent with him.
‘You can’t bring them back,’ he murmured, ‘and even if you could, I would not want you to. I hope they never know the way things are with me. That’s why I sent them away … so they would find the new life they so looked forward to, and not be made to watch me suffer, or feel the anguish I feel.’
He reached out to take hold of her hand. ‘You can’t know how grateful I am to you,’ he said. ‘You’ve been the best friend anyone could ever have.’
‘I wish you could …’ Lucy’s voice broke. ‘I wish …’
She was about to say she wished he could love her as she loved him, but instead the tears began to fall, and before she realised, he was holding her in his arms, and when he kissed her, she could hardly believe it. ‘I know what you wish for,’ he soothed. ‘I’ve seen it in your eyes and somehow I just know …’ He cradled her face. ‘You are the sweetest person, Lucy …’
The kiss was gentle. The lovemaking that followed was fumbled and tender, and Lucy gave herself to him with all her heart.
Afterwards, they held each other, and Lucy cried, and he comforted her. ‘We belong together now, you and me,’ he whispered. ‘We could never be as Vicky and I were, but we’re together, and that must mean something.’ He smiled into her eyes. ‘Do you understand what I’m saying?’
Lucy nodded. ‘I think I’ve always loved you,’ she said.
‘And I’ve come to love you, but it’s a very different love from what I feel for Vicky. Ours is a quiet, gentle love. But is it enough for you? Is it, Lucy?’
‘Yes.’ Lucy’s heart was at peace. ‘It’s enough,’ she whispered, nestling contentedly in his arms.
Over the coming weeks, Barney confounded the doctors by finding a new strength. Life was good; they took gentle strolls through the countryside; they sat long in the garden, and once a week they would go to the churchyard and lay a posy on little Jamie’s resting place. But in the back of their minds there was always the fear of Barney’s relapse, and the growing weakness in his limbs.
When Lucy found to her immense joy that she was carrying Barney’s child, their happiness knew no bounds. But Barney was adamant. ‘We can’t let it be known that you’re with child,’ he said. ‘That would only set tongues wagging. God knows they’ve already been busy enough, what with me being here and the two of us living under the same roof.’
It was true, Lucy thought. At first everyone had accepted that she was merely caring for Barney. But now, after months passing and the two of them being seen out together, the gossip knew no end, and it was not pleasant.
‘Look, Lucy, I have a small amount of money put by. Let’s move away … rent a place somewhere far off, where folks won’t point the finger at you or the child.’
It was just an idea, but Lucy was reluctant to leave the area. ‘You need to be near the doctors, you know,’ she told him. ‘You don’t want to be starting over with someone new who doesn’t know you like Dr Lucas. You’re doing all right for now. Please, Barney. don’t take any risks.’
‘But