How to Attract the Wombat. Will Cuppy
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opinion of birds, you would understand why I consider my version an improvement, with all respect to Mr. Lemmon. The whole subject of ornithology stirs me so profoundly that I mustn’t go into it here. There isn’t time. I will only say that the more I see of birds, the better I like Wombats.
There are moments, I may add, when my title, How to Attract the Wombat, does not entirely satisfy me. There’s something a little cold, a little remote, about using a generic term like “the Wombat” when it’s a question of attracting him. Nobody writes a book called How to Attract the Man, or How to Attract the Woman, so I took to favoring How to Attract a Wombat as more in tune with what really goes on, more urgent, more immediate, more business-like. Then I would wake up in the night thinking of people who might want to attract a lot of Wombats. Would they buy a book enabling them to attract one Wombat, or must I change the wording to How to Attract Wombats, in the plural? All those I consulted on these variations at the last moment said yes, they guessed it was all right if I liked it, and indicated that the subject, so far as they were concerned, was closed.
I suppose there are people who do not wish to attract even one Wombat, let alone a number of them. Most of these are simply indifferent. They do not care, one way or the other. Has it never occurred to them that they may be missing something, and that it might be Wombats? I am afraid their present attitude, if they persist in it, may occasion our sales manager more than one mauvais quart d’heure before he is through with it.
On the other hand, considering what we have learned of our fellow creatures in recent years, there are undoubtedly those who do wish to attract a Wombat or Wombats, just why is not for me to inquire. For them this book could be a treasure worth many times the price of admission. I might even say it would fill a long-felt want.
Finally a word to the more respectable of my readers, some of whom may be shocked by certain sensational passages I slipped into the text during final revision, just in case. God bless them all. I would not willingly bring a blush to their cheeks or upset them in any way, manner, shape or form whatever. Still and all, I realize that a book which hopes to receive even passing attention today must be pretty snappy in regard to you-know-what. In preparing my material for the printer, therefore, I have kept constantly in mind our large and growing body of sex maniacs. They read books too.
MAMMALS FOR BEGINNERS
THE MOUSE
You may not care much for Mice but they exist just the same. In fact, there are more Mice in the world than any other mammal.1 Wherever you are, there is a Mouse not far away. He may be closer than you think. Mice of all kinds are extremely prolific. Mother Mice have babies all the year round, from four to thirteen at a time. They don’t know when to stop.2 Young Mice grow up very quickly. They leave the nest and start something when they are only a few weeks old, and it is always the same old story. So I guess Mice will go on forever. The House Mouse is found in all civilized places and in some others I might mention. Mouseologists say House Mice are not native American Mice as they were introduced from abroad, but who wasn’t? House Mice settled in Jamestown in 1607 and more came on the Mayflower in 1620. Unless he arrived on the last boat, any Mouse chosen at random has more ancestors born in this country than any Mouseologist of my acquaintance, so why be stuffy about it? The Field Mouse and the White-footed Mouse were here even before 1492 and you don’t hear them heckling us on the subject, either. House Mice are loyal little creatures. They will stay with you to the last crumb. They sample everything in the pantry and you can hardly blame them.3 Mice believe chocolate layer cakes grow wild for the general good. They think life is like that. It should be. Once in a while a Mouse will sneak into the living room to watch you at your strange antics, and you may decide to let him stick around, he looks so friendly and intelligent.4 You think it will be great fun to have a Mouse of your own. Besides, it will give the Mouse a real home and a sense of security.5 A Mouse will live with anybody. Some evening you may notice that he isn’t the same Mouse and that another one seems to be streaking across the floor just for the hell of it. A check-up will probably reveal that you now have fourteen Mice, most of them expecting — which was not your original idea at all. Moral: It is practically impossible to have one Mouse.
1 We have plenty of Rats, too.
2 Aristotle states that Mice conceive by licking salt. Some of them do, maybe.
3 In Sanskrit the Mouse was called Mush, from a verb meaning “to steal.” Oh, yes? And how did they come to have such a verb?
4 Most House Mice trained in a laboratory can find their way out of a trick box or maze if you give them enough trials. I could do that myself.
5 Tossing bits of cheese to a Mouse is a mistaken kindness. Cheese is bad for Mice.
THE SQUIRREL
The Squirrel is out for a good time. He rushes through the treetops, plays tag with the other Squirrels, eats all the nuts he can hold, and generally behaves as though the world was made for that sort of thing. He is so glad to be alive that nobody has any respect for his mental powers. If you told a Squirrel that life is real and life is earnest, he would dash up the nearest tree, get out on a limb, and offer you a few choice remarks meaning that you are plumb crazy.1 Squirrels are natural comics and nobody knows it better than squirrels. Anything for a laugh.2 They will sit up on their haunches and gnaw at a walnut, turn flip-flops, leap from branch to branch and go through their whole bag of tricks for an audience of one, but they would rather have more. They realize this is part of their job as squirrels. They are fine at it, too, and all it gets them is a reputation for shallowness and irresponsibility. Does that strike you as fair? Ask an Owl his opinion of the Squirrel and he will whoo-whoo in a most superior tone of voice. Look who’s talking!3 Squirrels have been criticized for hiding nuts in various places for future use and then forgetting the places. Well, Squirrels do not bother with minor details like that. They have other things on their mind, such as hiding more nuts where they can’t find them.4 The Squirrel is very inquisitive about young people who go into the woods to pick wild flowers. To judge by his scolding, he strongly disapproves of this pastime, so he follows them around in the hope of seeing more. Squirrels are very moral mammals. A couple will live together year after year with no other interests, and they seem to enjoy it.5 During the winter they live in their nest in a hollow tree, often remaining indoors for several days at a stretch. I wonder how they manage to kill the time, without any reading to do. And then again, they will feel an urge for fresh air. If you’re out some bright, snappy morning, you’re likely to see Mr. Squirrel chasing his mate hither and yon over the landscape, snow or no snow. I am often asked why there are so many Squirrels. I don’t know.
1 Squirrels make little or no use of what we call thinking. They seem to be doing all right.
2 Squirrels of all kinds make entertaining pets. Some species do not bite much.
3 What the Squirrel says about the Owl is extremely amusing. We won’t go into it here.
4 The Red Squirrel or Chickaree can hardly exist without pine cones. The Gray or Central Park Squirrel will settle for peanuts.
5 I always said we could learn something from Squirrels.
THE RABBIT
The Rabbit, or Bunny, is a perfect darling. He sits on the lawn, twitching his nose and wiggling his ears