How to Attract the Wombat. Will Cuppy
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right start in life. If they go wrong later on, it is not the fault of the Tapir. The Tapir’s most prominent feature is his short flexible trunk, or proboscis, made of his nose and upper lip. It is not much good and it spoils his appearance. As Tapirs are built close to the ground they have no need of trunks, but it is too late to do anything about it now. The Tapir has a rudimentary tail, so he is a sight both coming and going. He resembles a Hog with proboscis trouble, but don’t tell that to a Tapir. He thinks he looks like a Horse because he has a thin, skimpy mane on his neck. He trots and gallops and fools nobody.1 The South American Tapir is brownish and so are Baird’s Tapir and Dow’s Tapir of Central America.2 The Malayan or Two-toned Tapir is black fore and aft with a whitish middle because he believes in disruptive coloration. When lying down he looks exactly like a big gray rock. That is, he thinks he does. All baby Tapirs have light longitudinal stripes and spots which render them invisible to some people in the sun-flecked forest. Their mother sees them and I see them but these people go tripping over them all the time. I may be peculiar. I can see striped objects as well as plain ones, if not better. Baby Tapirs are simply wonderful but they soon get over that. The male Tapir never visits his family. He never knows the comforts of a home full of romping young Tapirs and the joys of a life-long companionship with a female Tapir. That sort of thing is exactly what he doesn’t want and he arranges his life so that he doesn’t get it. No, he is not lonely.3 All the Tapir asks is a quiet life in the woods and streams. He avoids the Anaconda, the Jaguar, and Man.4 The Tapir is an odd-toed ungulate, with only three toes on his hind feet. From some points of view it is better to have an even number of toes, for odd-toed ungulates are more likely to become extinct.5 Besides, Tapirs refuse to adapt themselves to modern conditions. They hate modern conditions even more than I do, so I’m afraid they are on their way out. Now, don’t get all upset about it. That won’t help matters in the least.
1 The Tapir is distantly related to the Horse in a collateral sort of way. He is also a cousin of the Rhinoceros, a fact he would rather forget.
2 Dr. Baird and Captain Dow always maintained that their Tapirs were a little different from all other Tapirs. Maybe so.
3 Buffon called the Tapir a gloomy and melancholy animal. Only sometimes.
4 Tapirs feel fairly safe in the Zoo, where they are protected by iron bars.
5 The Hog is an even-toed ungulate. There will always be Hogs.
THE LLAMA
Llamas live in South America, where they have been domesticated for centuries. They were employed by the Incas of Peru to carry things up and down the Andes and they have been doing it ever since.1 It seems to be their one aim in life. Llamas got the double “l” in their name from the Spaniards, who conquered the Incas in 1533.2 The Spaniards had this double “l” knocking around in their alphabet, so they hung it on the poor Llama. They pronounce it Lee-ah-ma because that is correct in Spanish.3 Llamas like to be in high mountainous regions where the rarefied air would be bad for most animals. As Llamas have never heard of oxygen they do not miss it. Llamas are members of the Camel group, but they went their own way long ago and lost the family resemblance. This was a mistake for now they look like Llamas.4 I can’t put my finger on it right now, but something is wrong with them somewhere. It may be the neck. The Llama is good in arithmetic and will carry only a hundred pounds on his back. If you load him with more than that, he will lie down in the middle of the road and refuse to budge until the weight is checked and adjusted. He will get up when he feels good and like it. I understand that. He was born tired. The Llama is extremely frank in his social relations. If he doesn’t care for you much he makes no effort to conceal his dislike under a conventional smile. He spits in your face. Of course some people can be awfully trying. Occasionally a Llama gets fed up with everything and goes haywire, attacking Peruvians and other animals and acting perfectly horrid. He should not do that. He should count to ten. Most Llamas are good mixers. Groups of them will get together behind a mountain to relax and chew the cud and this often leads to much better acquaintance. Young Llamas, or llambs, are born in the spring. Llamas and Alpacas are never seen in a wild state.5 Guanacos and Vicuñas are always in a wild state. The male Vicuña has from six to fifteen wives. In the mating season two male Vicuñas will often fight until one of them is killed. I guess they don’t like each other.
1 You remember Atahuallpa, don’t you? Why not?
2 Pizarro. Does that ring a bell?
3 The English pronounce it Lay-ma because they are English.
4 Some say the Llama looks like a Camel without a hump. It is impossible to look like a Camel without a hump.
5 Sir Titus Salt (1803-1876) was knighted for making cloth from Alpaca wool, which is better than Llama wool. Queen Victoria loved the stuff.
THE GREAT ANTEATER
The Great Anteater is a bit on the odd side if you ask me. He lives in Central and South America and looks like something you wouldn’t believe. He has a long tubular snout containing a long sticky tongue which he uses in a most peculiar way, and his front claws are so large that he has to walk on the outer edges of his feet to keep from falling all over himself.1 When the Great Anteater is hungry, he tears into an Ant hill with those huge claws and the Ants come running to the damaged parts of their dwelling to make repairs. Then he captures and swallows them by whipping his tongue in and out of his mouth with great rapidity, two or three times a second. Now really!2 The Great Anteater’s bushy tail covers his whole body when he is asleep, so that he resembles a pile of old hay that has been left lying around. He looks a little better that way as you can’t see so much. It doesn’t seem possible that Great Anteaters would have children but they do. The mother carries Junior on her back for a while and teaches him to stick out his tongue. She throws him out as soon as he starts to look more like Father. The male Great Anteater never goes home to dinner because he knows exactly what he would get. Ants again. Besides, he doesn’t want to be tied down. He has a roving eye, so he goes barging around in the tall grass looking for trouble.3 Why does the Great Anteater look the way he does? Well, I’m afraid that is what comes of eating Ants. Long, long ago, before he had any name, he had begun to live exclusively on Ants and he wanted to become more efficient at it. His one aim through the ages was to be perfectly adapted to the eating of Ants.4 As Ants are perfectly adapted to being eaten by Anteaters, it all worked out nicely. But the Great Anteater kept right on adding improvements, such as a larger this and a more powerful that, until in my opinion he went too far. There is too much of a build-up. You don’t have to be eight feet long in order to eat an Ant and don’t try to tell me different. The Tamandua, or Lesser Anteater, is only two feet long and he has no difficulty whatever in eating Ants.5 The Least Anteater is about the size of a Rat. He would have been enough.
1 The best animals do not do this.
2 Great Anteaters eat Termites, too. Personally, I hate Termites.
3 Young Anteaters never know their own father — which is just as well, maybe. He’s strictly no good.
4 I don’t call that much of an ambition. There’s no future in it.
5 He can hang by his tail. That makes sense, anyway.
THE YAK
Yaks are supposed to be funny. Some people almost die laughing at the mere thought of a Yak. I feel slightly depressed when I think of a Yak. About one Yak in ten strikes me as funny and he