How to Attract the Wombat. Will Cuppy
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all soft and protective. That is the way the rabbit wants you to feel. He has just finished the last of your string beans and as soon as you turn your back he is going to eat your pet petunia.1 He knows you will be pretty sore but you will forgive him because you are a weak character. You always give him a break, so he figures you are slightly half-witted. Rabbits have no important thoughts. Their brains are quite smooth and unwrinkled, from lack of mental exercise. They do not even try. Our brains are full of contortions and convolutions, showing that we have made an effort at least. Be that as it may, Rabbits are able to multiply at the age of four months without any previous training. It must come natural. Rabbits are seldom the homebody type. Here and there a Rabbit will have the same mate for awhile, but they are not fanatics on the subject. They have excellent eyesight and what they miss is hardly worth seeing.2 Rabbits need a good talking to, especially the males.3 Hares and Rabbits are said to be mad in March, when they race around in the moonlight, kicking up their heels. They feel good in March. What’s so peculiar about that? Some authorities insist that the Cottontail Rabbit is really a Hare. They are wasting their breath, for we all know a Rabbit when we see one. Officially, the Jack Rabbit is also a Hare and the Belgian Hare is a Rabbit. The English or Jugged Hare is out of luck.4 Many persons have lived useful and happy lives without learning all the slight technical differences between the Rabbit and the Hare, so why worry?5 Rabbits and Hares are only rodents, anyhow. We are far superior to the rodents in all sorts of ways. For example — well, I’m sure I could think of a lot of ways if you’d give me a little more time.
1 Rabbits chew on the bias simply to be cute.
2 Rabbits do not sleep with their eyes open and let’s not argue.
3 They would reply that you’re only young once. It’s a point.
4 The ancients said that Hares run faster uphill than down. Times have changed.
5 You’ve got along so far, haven’t you?
THE ARMADILLO
How much do you really know about the Armadillo? I thought so. The Armadillo is a mammal, which seems to surprise some people. Perhaps I should have studied these people instead of the Armadillo. It would be a life work, however, and I haven’t time for it now. The Armadillo wears a coat of armor consisting of bony shields fore and aft, and tough, flexible bands across the middle of his back. This protects him against possible attack from above. While the Armadillo is thinking how safe he is on top, some other mammal flips him upside down and has a nice meal of raw Armadillo. Let that be a lesson.1 The Three-banded Armadillo of South America is the only kind that rolls himself into a complete ball, with his head, legs and tail inside somewhere. The others can’t do this and you mustn’t expect it. When a Monkey jumps on him in the forest, the ball starts rolling around every which way and the joke is on the Monkey.2 The Nine-banded Armadillo of Texas and a few other places is the only one we have in the United States.3 The females always give birth to quadruplets, all of the same sex. They can’t tell the children apart, and why should they? The bony shell of the Nine-banded Armadillo is about fifteen inches long and is made into ornamental baskets for the tourist trade. In Armadillo society all the individuals are born free and equal. Every young Armadillo starts life with exactly the same chance to become a basket. Nine-banded Armadillos are said to make affectionate pets. You can lead them about on a leash, but you’re likely to stop the traffic. People rush from all directions and ask you what you are selling.4 The Thirteen-banded Armadillo considers himself a genius, as most Armadillos cannot count above nine. The Pichiciago or Fairy Armadillo of Argentina is only five inches long, with a pink shell and silky white sideburns. Fairy Armadillos are somewhat rare, but they can always be found if you know the right places. They come out at dusk. The Glyptodon, an ancient relative of the Armadillo, reached a length of ten or twelve feet and his armor was an inch thick. He hung around for millions of years, but he never got anywhere and finally became extinct. Nobody wanted any baskets of that size.
1 As they trot around in the grass, rooting for insects and such, Armadillos remind some observers of young Pigs. Oddly enough, young Pigs never remind them of Armadillos.
2 Three-banded Armadillos have muscles which prevent injury to their internal organs while temporarily squeezed or displaced in the ball phase. They think of everything.
3 Nine-banded Armadillos are spreading eastward and northward. Persons who transport Armadillos across rivers are known as Armadillo carriers.
4 The natives of Yucatan believe the Black-headed Vulture in old age turns into an Armadillo. I doubt it.
THE PORCUPINE
Nobody loves the Porcupine and I’m afraid it is all his own fault. His back and tail are covered with sharp spines, or quills, the purpose of which I will tell you in a moment.1 When he is left entirely alone the Porcupine is mild and inoffensive, attending strictly to his own affairs and never going out of his way to attack his neighbors. If one of them comes too close, however, he raises his quills, shoves himself backward and lashes his tail right and left with most unpleasant results.2 The Porcupine has been known to inflict fatal injuries upon Pumas and Lynxes who were only looking for a bit of lunch. As the Porcupine makes fine eating, the other animals do not like his attitude.3 Professor Halstead recently achieved some success in teaching a Porcupine to relax. His subject had learned to keep his quills down when approached and seemed on the road to further improvement, then along came a big Grizzly Bear and spoiled the experiment. Professor Halstead is now checking his data to see where he went wrong. A Porcupine caught in infancy can be trained to follow his owner around like a Dog. This is nice for people who wish to be followed by Porcupines.4 In my opinion, relations between Porcupines and people will never be ideal because it would be impossible to give every Porcupine a course in good manners. They become furious if you merely poke them with a stick or try to pull out a few quills for souvenirs. The quills are covered with barbs and are extremely difficult to remove from one’s physique. Pet Porcupines like to climb into your lap for an afternoon snooze, a habit that may strike you as awfully sweet and cozy. Personally, I’d rather have my health. You will be happier in the long run if you avoid the Porcupine and all his works. Then the problem of how to extract the quills will not be likely to arise. I always say there are so many things to do in this world, why get involved with Porcupines? Porcupines do not have much fun, but some. Two Porcupines in a hollow tree are too many, as they are always rolling over suddenly and wounding anyone near them. The average Porcupine prefers to live alone and no wonder. He feels that another Porcupine wouldn’t be much to come home to.
1 The quills of the Old World Porcupine may be more than a foot in length. Those of the New World Porcupine are much shorter. They feel about the same.
2 The Brazilian Tree Porcupine curls his long prehensile tail around branches in a counter-clockwise direction. Spider Monkeys do it clockwise.
3 Porcupines do not shoot their quills from any distance, great or small. If one of my readers has been shot by a Porcupine, that’s different.
4 I once knew a man who had a pet Porcupine. Or, rather, I saw him once and I heard a good deal about him. I never even met him.
ADVANCED MAMMALS
THE TAPIR
Tapirs are animals used in geography books. Geography could be taught without Tapirs but it