The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10. Louise Rennison
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How do you make yourself not like someone? I think you’re supposed to concentrate on some of their bad points. Maybe he’s got horrible hands? I looked at his hands... they are lovely – all strong-looking but quite artistic too. Like he could put up a shelf and also take you to a plateau of sensual pleasure at the same time. I bet he doesn’t rest his hand on your breast... I wish he would. Shut up!!!!! Anyway, I was getting ready to put on my coolest look and he said, “Hello, Jas, how are you?”
Jas flushed and said, “Oh, hi, Robbie, yeah fine thanks, and you?”
He said, “Cool.” Then he said, “Jas, could I have a... could I speak to you sometime? Maybe you would come for a coffee next Wednesday after school?”
And Jas went, “Er... well...er... yes. Fine. See you then.”
I was quite literally speechless.
When we got to Jas’s house I just walked in through the gate, through the door and straight up the stairs into her bedroom. It was like I had a furball in my throat. I thought I was going to choke and explode and poo myself all at the same time.
Jas sat down on her bed and just went “Foof”.
I said, “What do you mean by ‘Foof’?”
And she said, “Just that... ‘Foof’.”
I said, “Well, what does he want to see you about?”
And she looked at her nails in a very annoying way. “I don’t know.”
I said, “Well, you won’t go, will you?”
And she said, “He asked me to go for a coffee and I said I would.”
I went on, “Yes, but you won’t go, will you?”
She looked at me, “Why shouldn’t I go? He said he wanted to talk to me.”
I couldn’t believe it. “But you know he’s my sworn enemy.”
Jas went all reasonable. “Yes, but he’s not my sworn enemy, he seems to really like me.”
I was beyond the Valley of the Livid. “Jas, if you are my friend you will not go and meet Robbie.”
She just went silent and tight-lipped. I slammed out of her house.
Tuesday February 23rd
11:00 p.m.
I left the house ten minutes early today and walked on the other side of the road. Jas usually hangs about outside her gate between eight thirty-five and eight forty-five and then she walks on if I don’t turn up. I ran like mad past her house, keeping to cover, and arrived ten minutes before assembly.
Hawkeye stopped me. “I’ve never seen you early for anything, what’s going on? I’ll be keeping my eye on you.” Honestly, she’s so suspicious. I don’t suppose she’s got anything else to do, no real life of her own. When I went into the assembly hall I didn’t stand in my usual place, I went and talked to Rosie. Jas came in to where we stand together, she caught my eye and gave a half-smile but I gave her my worst look.
I didn’t see her again until lunch when she came into the loos. I was sort of trapped because I was drying my fringe under the hand dryer. I’d slept on it funny and it was all sticking up. My head was upside down and she said, “Look, this is really silly, we can’t fall out over some bloke.”
I said, “Nyot snum bluk.”
She said, “Pardon?”
I stood up and faced her. “Jas, you know what I’ve been through with Robbie, he is not just ‘some bloke’.”
She was being Mrs Reasonable Knickers. “What are you so bothered about? It’s just coffee... at the moment.”
I pounced on that like a rat on a biscuit. “What do you mean, ‘at the moment’?”
She was putting chapstick on, pouting in the mirror... she really has snapped, she thinks she looks like Claudia Schiffer. “I’m just saying, it’s only coffee at the moment, if anything else happens of course I will let you know first.” That’s when I kicked her on the shin. HOW DARE SHE? That is it!!! I’m never speaking to her again.
Saturday February 27th
10:00 a.m.
Mum up and humming in the kitchen like a happy person, whatever that is. I’ve made a list of my friends:
I have 12 “close casuals”,
20 “social only” and
6 “inner circle” (you know, the kind of friends who would cry properly at your funeral).
Libby is too small to be a chum, although she’s a better chum than some, if you know what I mean. Jas is not on my list.
10:30 a.m.
I wonder if I have got enough friends? I worry that if British Telecom asks me for ten friends and family for my list of cheap calls I would have to count the astrological phone line for Librans which I ring more often than not.
11:00 a.m.
Doorbell went. Mum shouted, “Will you get that?” It was Jem; he really is quite cool and fit-looking. He was wearing a T-shirt and you could see his muscly arms. I smiled at him. Maybe I need an older man to teach me the ways of love...
11:05 a.m.
Mum came rushing out of the bedroom with Libbs. “Take Libby for a walk, love, will you? Thanks. Now, Jem, would you like a cup of coffee?”
He said, “I wouldn’t say no, I’ve got a bit of a hangover.”
She giggled (yes, she giggled), and said, “Honestly, what are you like? Did you have a good time?”
They went off into the kitchen. He said, “Yeah, we went to this club, it’s a laugh, you should come one night.”
She giggled and said, “Be careful, I might take you up on that.”
I couldn’t hear what happened after that because Libby hit me with her monkey. “Out now,” she said, so I had to go.
What next? My mum goes off with a builder whilst my vati is trying to build a new life for her in the Antipodes?
Actually, when put like that, it seems fair enough...
Vati sent a letter and some photos from Whangamata. In his letter he said, The village has the most geothermal activity in the world. When I had lunch in the garden the other day, the table was heaving and lurching around... I could hardly eat my steak. The ground lurches and heaves around because underneath the earth’s crust thousands of billions of tons of molten steam is trying to get out. The trees go backwards and forwards, the sheep go up and down...
Oh, very good, Vati, I’ll be over there on the next flight. Not. And he sent some photos of his New Zealand mates... They were all heavily bearded like the Rolf Harris quadruplets.
Still, he is my vati, I will have to have a word with Mum in order to save the family.
12:05 p.m.
Can’t be bothered.
Monday March 1st
10:30 a.m.
Still not speaking to Jas, but things have gone horribly wrong in that she is not speaking to me either. I don’t know how this has happened as I was supposed to be in charge. It’s bloody difficult coming to school because if she gets ahead of me I have to walk really, really slowly behind her because my legs are longer.
Wednesday March 3rd
9:00 a.m.
Today