The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10. Louise Rennison
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now it has very long arms like an orang-utan.
5:25 p.m.
Apparently Robbie was very surprised that he was supposed to be engaged. When he asked Jas why she thought that, she had to pretend that someone had told her.
5:30 p.m.
Jas is plucking my eyebrows. She said, “So what do you think I should do about Tom? Robbie says he still likes me, and that the girl at the dance was his cousin.”
I said, “Oh, does that mean he can’t get a girlfriend, then?”
Jas said (mid-pluck), “Georgie, don’t start again. Do you think I should give him another chance?”
I thought, What am I, an agony aunt? But I said, “Well, maybe, but I’d play a bit hard to get. Don’t kiss him on your first date... well, unless he really wants to.”
Midnight
Got away surprisingly easily with the “It was Jas – I’m innocent!” plan re the dressing gown. Mum seems even more mad than ever. And how long can it take to decorate one room? Jem is taking for ever. I’m not really surprised – he spends most of his time sitting around giggling with Mum. Libby called him “Dad” the other day.
Ho hum.
1:00 a.m.
Looking up at the sky from my bed I can hear an owl hooting and all is well with the world. Robbie is not engaged!!! Thank you, Baby Jesus.
Tuesday March 16th
3:00 p.m.
Miss Stamp says I show “promise” at tennis. It is very nice slamming the ball across the court past people. Or not past them, in Rosie’s case, when it hit her in the face this afternoon. Her glasses went all sideways like Eric Morecambe which I thought was very funny. I couldn’t serve for ages because of laughing so much.
10:45 p.m.
Woke up from a dream of winning Wimbledon. I think I may be becoming sexually active, as the dream only really got interesting in the dressing room. First there was the usual stuff – you know, the final ace, the crowd going mad, going up for my trophy. Princess Margaret handing it over and saying, “Absolutely first class, most thrilling. It made me wish I still played.”
Me saying, “Hahaha, I find it hard to believe you’ve ever played anything, Ma’am – except gin rummy.” Then a quick wave and into the dressing room.
Once in the privacy of the changing room I began to get undressed for a well-deserved shower. When I had got down to my (well-filled D-cup) bra and knickers I was startled to find someone had come in the room. It was Leo DiCaprio. He said, “I’m sorry, did I startle you?” Then he started covering my quivering (but extremely fit and tanned) body with kisses. Just then someone else came in. I pulled away from Leo but Leo said, “It’s OK, it’s only Brad,” and Brad Pitt came and joined us.
Monday March 22nd
2:00 p.m.
It’s almost embarrassing how friendly Jas is being. A few days without my hilarious and witty conversation has reminded her of how much she likes me. In a roundabout way I suggested this to her on the way to school.
“Jas, I suppose a few days without my hilarious and witty conversation has reminded you of how much you like me.”
She said, “Hahahaha...” but then saw my face and said, “Oh yes, how true. That will be it.”
Wednesday March 31st
Assembly
9:08 a.m.
I nearly passed out with laughing this morning. As we were praying Rosie whispered, “Have a look at Jackie’s nose, pass it on...” so the word passed right along the line. I couldn’t see anything at first because Jackie had her head down and her hair was hanging over her face.
Then, as people were shuffling around to start the hymn, I went, “Jackie! Pssstt!” She looked up and round at me. The end of her nose was completely black!!! She looked like a panda in a wig. I almost wet myself it was so funny. Our whole line was shaking.
Jackie looked daggers at us but that only made it worse. There’s nothing funnier than a really cross panda!! We staggered into the loos and were bent over the sinks, crying with laughter. At last, when I could speak, I said, “What... what... happened?”
Ellen said, “You know that DJ she was raving about? Well, he got drunk with his mates, came to meet Jackie and thought it would be very funny to give her a lovebite on the end of her nose.”
Happy days.
Tuesday April 6th
5:00 p.m.
Had a game of tennis against Lucy Doyle from the fifth form and I beat her!!! I am a genius!!!
6:30 p.m.
Practising tennis against our wall at home but it’s hopeless. Angus gets the ball and then takes it a few feet away from me and guards it. I go to get it and he waits until I can nearly get it and then he walks off with it again. I managed to hit him on the head with my tennis racquet but he doesn’t seem to feel pain.
7:00 p.m.
Phoned Jas.
It’s quite relaxing not having Dad around. No one bellowing, “Get off that bloody phone!” I’m beginning not to remember what he looks like.
So there’s a silver lining to every cloud.
Jas’s mum answered the phone and I asked to speak to Jas. She came down from her bedroom.
“Jas, I’ve got a good plan.”
“Oh no.”
“No, you’ll like it.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s brilliant and also because it allows you to pay back your debt to me.”
“Go on, then.”
“Well, you know you said Robbie didn’t know he was engaged, but Lindsay goes round with an engagement ring on...?”
“Yes.”
“Well, if she only wears it at school and then takes it off when she sees him, well, that means that she likes him more than he likes her.”
“I suppose.”
“Of course it does. He must be getting tired of her by now – what on earth does he see in her?”
“She’s supposed to be quite clever. I think she is applying for Oxford.”
“So, she’s a swot, that’s no reason to like her – anyway, learning stuff is not clever. Just because I can’t remember the Plantagenet line doesn’t make me not clever.”
“Well, no, I suppose.”
“Exactly.”
“You have quite a lot of trouble with quadratic equations as well.”
“Yes, all right, Jas—”
“And you can’t do the pluperfect tense—”
“Yes, I know, but what I’m saying is—”
“You’re hopeless at German – Herr Kamyer said he’s never known anyone so bad at it in all his years of teaching.”
“Look, Jas, can we just get back to the plan? What I think we should do is to stalk Lindsay.”
“Stalk her?”
“Yes.”
“What...