The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10. Louise Rennison
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Terrible news!! I can fit a pencil case underneath my basooma and it actually stays there for a second!!
I feel all hot and weird. Still, what else is new?
Saturday October 9th
11:50 a.m.
Angus is in love!!! Honestly. With Mr and Mrs Across the Road’s Burmese pedigree cat Naomi. (I call her that, they call her Little-Brook-Running-up-a-Tree-With-a-Sausage-up-its-Bottom Sun Li the Third, or something foreign.) I saw Angus on their wall, giving Naomi a vole he’d killed. He was parading up and down sticking his bottom up in the air and waggling his tail about. Disgusting, really. Especially as he had a clinker hanging out of his bum-oley. Cats think that is attractive. So does Libbs.
Mr and Mrs Across the Road didn’t seem too thrilled by his attentions. In fact, they threw stones at him. They are going to have to try a lot harder than that, he was brought up having bricks thrown at him. They should try a bazooka.
My room
2:30 p.m.
I must find some calm. I’ve got an instruction booklet on Buddhism from the library. Miss Wilson, who doubles as sad librarian, is beside herself with pleasure-she thinks I am taking religion seriously due to her excellent teaching. Sad really. She’ll want me to go round for coffee at her house soon. I might go and ask her where she buys her tights. The book is called Buddhism for the Stupid. No, it’s not really, but it should be.
Good grief. It’s so boring. It’s just all about world peace and so on, which is OK but you would think I could do that later. Once I was happy. And had got what I wanted.
4:00 p.m.
Jas turned up. She was really mopey like a cod.
“I got all ready for Tom to come home and then he called up from Birmingham and said he was going to stay on for a few more days. He says that he likes Birmingham and has got some great new mates.”
I was thinking, Oh, good grief! As if I haven’t got enough to worry about without having Hunky and Po in trouble. But I didn’t say anything.
Jas moaned on: “He didn’t used to like going out with mates, he used to like being with me.”
I said wisely: “Remember he is a Jennings boy. He is the same as Robbie. Remember the elastic band thing, Jas…let him have his space. In fact, why don’t you say you think you should have a break from each other for a bit? You know, to sort of find yourselves.”
Jas said, “I know where he is, he is in Birmingham.”
It’s easier chatting to Angus. I kept on, though. “Don’t be silly, Po! Anyway, I want to talk to you about Buddha. Do you know what Buddha says?”
“Didn’t he say quite a lot?”
“Yes, but he said, ‘When a crow finds a dying snake, it behaves as if it were an eagle. When I see myself as a victim I am hurt by trifling failures.’”
There was a silence and Jas started fiddling around with her fringe.
“Do you see?”
“Er…what has that got to do with Tom? He’s not an eagle.”
Honestly she is so dim. I explained, as patiently as I could, “It means, if you think your life is poo it will be.”
“Well why didn’t he say that?”
“Because a) he is Buddha and b) they do not have poo in Buddhaland.”
5:30 p.m.
Phone rang. Mum yelled up, “Gee, it’s for you…boyfriend.”
Honestly, I could kill her. I went and answered the phone and sat down on a stool. It was Dave the Laugh. He said, “Hello, Gorge. I had a great time last night. I’ve just about recovered from meeting your mates. What are you up to?”
As I was chatting to him Libby came humming into the hall. She wanted to get up on to my knee.
I said, “Libbs, I’m on the phone, go find Angus to play with.”
She gave me her frowniest look. “NO…UP!!! NOW!!! BAD, BAD BOY.” And she started spitting at me so I had to let her on my knee. Before I could stop her she was “talking” down the phone. “Hello, mister man. Grrrrrrr. Three bag pool, three bag pool.”
Oh God. I struggled to get the phone off her and then she shouted, “Georgie has got a THERY big SPOT! Hahahahahaha.”
I grabbed the phone back and put Libby on the floor. “Sorry about that, Dave, my little sister has…er…just learned to talk and, er she must have…er…”
Libby was singing, “Georgie’s got a THERY big spot, lalalalala, THERY, THERY big spot…ON HER BOT…ON HERBOTTY.”
6:00 p.m.
She’s right, actually. How can you get spots on your bottom? I must have more vitamin C.
6:05 p.m.
Me and Jas chomping on bananas. Jas said, “Save the skins because they make really good face masks.”
6:30 p.m.
As usual Jas is completely wrong. We washed off the banana on our faces; it felt disgusting.
I said, “I’m meeting Dave again tomorrow. He seems to really like me.”
Jas was busy picking bits of banana out of her hair. “Does he? Why?”
“I don’t know, he just does.”
Bed
11:00 p.m.
Dave doesn’t make my legs go jelloid and that is the point, isn’t it? If a boy doesn’t make you go jelloid you may as well be with your girlie mates…or boy mates that you are just mates with and no snogging involved.
11:30 p.m.
Oh, I don’t know.
Midnight
Angus still on the wall looking down at Naomi the Burmese sex kitten. She is rubbing herself against the wall, the little minx. I know what she feels like.
I wonder what the Sex God is doing now.
What shall I do about Dave?
1:00 a.m.
I really would truly prefer to put my head into a bag of eels than kiss Wet Lindsay.
1:15 a.m.
Sex God did take the bull by the nostrils and dump Wet Lindsay when he found true love (me). Even if he did then dump me.
1:30 a.m.
He was true to his feelings. Even though it upset Owlie he dumped her because it was the right thing to do (and it is always the right thing to do to dump Owlie).
Sunday October 10th
10:00 p.m.
Dave the L. turned up at my door earlier, wearing a false moustache. He actually is quite a laugh. We went to the pictures and snogged again. He must be a bit surprised that my mates pop up every time we go anywhere. When Rosie put her head over the back of us in the pictures and said, “GEORGIA!!! HOW AMAZING!! What are you doing here?!!!” I thought he’d swallow