Monday October 4th

      9:30 a.m.

      No news from either SG or Dave the so-called Laugh.

      Geoggers

      10:00 a.m.

      Brrr. It’s only October and it’s like Greenland here. Well, apart from the ice floes and Eskimos and polar bears. It is, as Ellen’s amusing brother would say, very “nippy noodles” today. I didn’t mean ever to start saying things like that, but it is really catching. What’s more, just because I said it all the gang is saying it. It’s like brain measles. In geoggers Rosie put up her hand and said to Mrs Franks (who is not what you would call “fun”), “Mrs Franks, could I just pop to the piddly-diddly department, please?”

      Mrs Franks said, really frostily, “What is the piddly-diddly department, Rosemary?”

      And Rosie said, “Well it’s not the poo-parlour division.”

      We all laughed like stuffed animals. Mrs Franks didn’t. In fact she said, “Grow up, Rosemary Barnes.”

      She let Rosie go though, and started to explain something indescribably boring about the wheat belt. Behind her Rosie started lolloping out of the door like an orang-utan. She was trailing her arms on the floor. It made me laugh A LOT. But silently, as no one really wants to do two hours’ detention.

      Break

      11:00 a.m.

      They are a bunch of sadists here. We get forced to go out into sub-Antarctic conditions. Even Elvis Attwood won’t come out of his hut and he is half human, half walrus. Meanwhile the so-called prefects and staff get to hang around in the warm. Wet Lindsay, the Owlie One, said to me, “If you wore skirts that were a bit longer you might not be so chilly.”

      I said to Jas, “Did you hear a sort of hooting noise, Jas?”

      Me and Jas sheltered out of the icy winds behind a wall but we were still cold, so we had an idea. We thought we would button our two coats together to make a kind of big sleeping bag. We fastened the buttons of Jas’s coat into the buttonholes of mine. Then we buttoned the buttons of my coat into Jas’s buttonholes. With us in the middle. All nice and snug. It did make it very difficult to walk and unfortunately we had buttoned ourselves up a bit far away from our bags. Our bags with our nutritious snacks in them (Mars Bars and cheesy snacks). We tried synchronised shuffling to get to them but Jas tripped and we fell over. We were laughing, but not for long, because the Bummer Twins arrived.

      Jackie looked down at us all tied together in our coats and said, “Look, Ali, the little girls are playing a little game. Let’s join in.”

      And then they sat on us.

      And they are not small girls.

      Alison said, “Fancy a fag, Jackie?”

      We heard them light up. We were just trapped there.

      Then Jackie said, “Oooh look, someone has left some cheesy snacks for us. Fancy one, Ali?”

      Me and Jas were the Bummer Twins’ armchair.

      My bedroom

      5:30 p.m.

      No phonecalls.

      Mutti came in.

      I said, “Oh come in, Mum, the door is only closed for privacy.” I said it in a meaningful way but she didn’t know what I meant. She was all pink.

      “Dad phoned again; he sends his love, he’s really looking forward to seeing you. He’s got you a present.”

      I said, “Oh goodie, what is it? Sheepskin shorts?”

      She started that tutting thing.

      I don’t think she has asked me one thing about myself for about four centuries. What is the point of procrastinating…no I don’t mean that, what do I mean? Oh yeah…procreating…What is the point of having children if you are not going to take any notice of them? You might as well get a hamster and ignore that.

      5:35 p.m.

      Oh yippee.

      This is my gorgeous life:

      6:00 p.m.

      Mum called up. “I’m just taking Libbs to the doctors’; she needs her ears cleaning out.”

      Oh please. Save me from that thought.

      6:30 p.m.

      Phone rang. If it’s Po moaning on about Hunky I’ll go BERSERK!!

      6:45 p.m.

      I’m seeing Dave in the swing park after school on Friday. He got my phone number from Tom through Jas! Good grief. The Red Herring has landed. I’m quite excited, I think.

      Am I?

      He said it would be “groovy” to see me again.

      He also said he hoped it wouldn’t be too nippy noodles in the park. He made me laugh.

      I am still only using him as a red herring, though.

      8:00 p.m.

      Mum came back with Libby. I was busily trying to save myself from starving to death by eating cornflakes.

      I said, “The doctor didn’t find my fishnet tights in Libby’s lugholes, did he?”

      Mum seemed to be in even more of a coma than normal. She said, “I borrowed them for salsa dancing with Uncle Eddie.”

      Charming. I’ll have to boil them before I wear them again.

      Mum said, “They’ve got a new doctor at the surgery.”

      Silence.

      “He’s very good.”

      Silence.

      “He was so nice to Libby– even when she shouted down his stethoscope.”

      What is she going on about?

      “He looked a bit like George Clooney.”

      9:40 p.m.

      When I went up to bed she kissed me and said, “You haven’t had your tetanus injection renewed, have you?”

      What is she talking about?

      Tuesday October 5th

      10:30 a.m.

      Rosie said she might go across to Sweden land with Sven in the Chrimbo hols. I said, “Are you sure? You’re only fourteen and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Are you sure you want to go to the other side of the world with Sven?”

      She