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from behind me I heard Wet Lindsay’s voice, “Georgia, your skirt is tucked up in your knickers…I don’t think it sets a very good example to the younger girls.”

      Then she went off, sniggering in a pathetic sniggering owl sort of way.

      5:00 p.m.

      In the bath. That is it. I am on the warpath. I am now a loner. I have no friends. My so-called best friend only likes stupid Hunky and discusses my private body parts with him. And then he probably goes and discusses it with his older brother. And he and the SG have a good laugh.

      5:15 p.m.

      Angus is sitting on the side of the bath. He is drinking the water even though it has got bubble bath in it. His whiskers are all soapy.

      5:20 p.m.

      Now Libby has wandered in. Come in, everybody, why don’t you? I’m only having a bath. Naked. I’m surprised Mr and Mrs Next Door don’t pop in for a bit of a look.

      I said to Libby, “Libby don’t push Angus like that, he’ll—”

      5:21 p.m.

      Angus is soaking and furious. When I fished him out of the bath he savaged my hand. Libby couldn’t stop laughing. What a life.

      6:00 p.m.

      Jas phoned. I said, “What do you want, nipple discusser?”

      She said, “Look, can’t we call it quits? I won’t mention the Hunky business again if you forget about the nip nips incident.”

      I didn’t want to give in because I was in too bad a mood so I just went, “Huh.”

      But then I was all agog attention-wise because she said, “Tom phoned and told me The Stiff Dylans are doing a gig at the Crazy Coconut club a week Wednesday. AND WHAT’S MORE Dave the Laugh is going to be there. AND WHAT’S MORE my mum is staying at my aunt’s in Manchester.”

      6:02 p.m.

      Thinking.

      6:05 p.m.

      Thinking and eating cornflakes. Hmmm.

      6:07 p.m.

      Obviously this is it!!! This is my chance to implement the elastic band theory. I have to go to The Stiff Dylans gig and get off with Dave the Laugh. In front of the SG. This will serve the twofold purpose of maturiosity (being at a nightclub) and glaciosity (getting off with another boy). SG will be very jealous. He will want to come pinging back (the elastic band theory).

      11:00 p.m.

      I must start softening Mum up so that she will not be suspicious when I say I am staying at Jas’s on Wednesday night.

      Saturday September 18th

      10:00 a.m.

      Mum nearly dropped Libby when I said, “Do you want me to get anything for you while I am in town this afternoon?”

      She said, “Sorry, love, I thought for a moment you offered to do something for me. What did you really say?”

      Even though I was irritated by her I kept a lovely smile on my face. “Oh Mutti…as if I never do anything for you!”

      She said suspiciously, “Why are you smiling like that? What have you got on that is mine? If you have borrowed my gold necklace I’ll go mad.”

      I snapped then. “Look, what is the matter with you? How can I ever be a nice person if you are so suspicious all the time? What are you, a mother or a police dog? Do you want to do a body search before I go out? Honestly!!!”

      Then I remembered my Operation Elastic Band just in the knickers of time. I said nicely, “I just thought you might want me to bring something back for you. I know how busy you are, that’s all.”

      In the end I think I convinced her, which is a bit of a drag as now I’ve got to lumber home with waterproof panties for Libbs. Hey ho. What sacrifices I make for the SG. I’ve almost forgotten what he looks like.

      10:05 a.m.

      I’ve remembered what he looks like. Yum yum yum.

      1:00 p.m.

      Miss Selfridge changing room. I tried on a size twelve T-shirt and I couldn’t get it on. Jas (very loudly) said, “I think your breasts are definitely getting bigger, you know.”

      This was in the packed communal changing room and everyone looked round.

      I said, “Er…Jas…I think there is someone in Australia who might not have heard you properly.”

      Rosie and Ellen met us in Luigi’s coffee bar. I told them about The Stiff Dylans gig and my plan vis-a-vis Dave the Laugh. Rosie was eating the foam from her coffee with a spoon and slurping. So was Ellen. It was stereo foam slurping. After ten years had gone by Rosie said, with the spoon in her mouth which was very unattractive but I didn’t say…anyway, she said, “So you’re going to the gig so that you can get off with Dave the Laugh and that will make the SG into an elastic band?”

      How difficult can life be? Very, very difficult, that’s how. I said patiently (well, at least without hitting her), “Yes, yes, thrice yes!!!”

      More slurping. She was obviously thinking about my masterplan (or mistressplan actually, as I had thought of it and I am a girlie). Then she said, “Can I borrow your brown leather boots?”

      4:00 p.m.

      Lugged home Libby’s waterproof nick-nacks. All quiet on the home front when I got in. Where was everyone?

      9:30 p.m.

      Early to bed, early to rise, makes a…whatsit.

      10:00 p.m.

      I may wear some false eyelashes for the gig. I must be careful though, last time I tried them the glue tube burst and I couldn’t get my eyes apart for twenty minutes.

      Tuesday September 21st

      4:15 p.m.

      Boring day apart from when Wet Lindsay got her bag caught on her foot and fell up the science-block stairs.

      11:00 p.m.

      Libby in bed with me. I don’t know why she can’t sleep the right way up, her feet keep poking me in the eye.

      11:10 p.m.

      I wonder what Dave the Laugh looks like?

      Friday September 24th

      Morning break

      11:00 a.m.

      Ellen told me that her brother and his mates go out on “cat patrol”.

      I said, “Do they really like cats, then?”

      She said, “No, him and his mates are the cat patrol and they go out looking for birds…you know, chicks…girls.”

      Good Lord.

      Lunchtime

      12:30 p.m.

      Ellen says that her brother

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