Second Plays. A. A. Milne
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ROSEMARY. What a good idea, James!
JAMES. All that is necessary is for the company to think very hard of what they want, and—there we are! Saves all the bother of writing and spelling and what not.
ROSEMARY (admiringly.) James, how clever you are!
JAMES. So-so, Miss Rosemary.
ROSEMARY. Now then, let's all think together. Are you all ready?
ALL. Yes! (They clench their hands.)
ROSEMARY. Then one, two, three—Go!
(They think. … The truth is that JAMES, who wasn't really meant to be in it, thinks too. If there is anything in the play which you don't like, it is JAMES thinking.)
ACT I.—THE PRINCESS AND THE WOODCUTTER
(The WOODCUTTER is discovered singing at his work, in a glade of the forest outside his hut. He is tall and strong, and brave and handsome; all that a woodcutter ought to be. Now it happened that the PRINCESS was passing, and as soon as his song is finished, sure enough, on she comes.)
PRINCESS. Good morning, Woodcutter.
WOODCUTTER. Good morning. (But he goes on with his work.)
PRINCESS (after a pause). Good morning, Woodcutter.
WOODCUTTER. Good morning.
PRINCESS. Don't you ever say anything except good morning?
WOODCUTTER. Sometimes I say good-bye.
PRINCESS. You are a cross woodcutter to-day.
WOODCUTTER. I have work to do.
PRINCESS. You are still cutting wood? Don't you ever do anything else?
WOODCUTTER. Well, you are still a Princess; don't you ever do anything else?
PRINCESS (reproachfully). Now, that's not fair, Woodcutter. You can't say I was a Princess yesterday, when I came and helped you stack your wood. Or the day before, when I tied up your hand where you had cut it. Or the day before that, when we had our meal together on the grass. Was I a Princess then?
WOODCUTTER. Somehow I think you were. Somehow I think you were saying to yourself, "Isn't it sweet of a Princess to treat a mere woodcutter like this?"
PRINCESS. I think you're perfectly horrid. I've a good mind never to speak to you again. And—and I would, if only I could be sure that you would notice I wasn't speaking to you.
WOODCUTTER. After all, I'm just as bad as you. Only yesterday I was thinking to myself how unselfish I was to interrupt my work in order to talk to a mere Princess.
PRINCESS. Yes, but the trouble is that you don't interrupt your work.
WOODCUTTER (interrupting it and going up to her with a smile). Madam, I am at your service.
PRINCESS. I wish I thought you were.
WOODCUTTER. Surely you have enough people at your service already. Princes and Chancellors and Chamberlains and Waiting Maids.
PRINCESS. Yes, that's just it. That's why I want your help. Particularly in the matter of the Princes.
WOODCUTTER. Why, has a suitor come for the hand of her Royal Highness?
PRINCESS. Three suitors. And I hate them all.
WOODCUTTER. And which are you going to marry?
PRINCESS. I don't know. Father hasn't made up his mind yet.
WOODCUTTER. And this is a matter which father—which His Majesty decides for himself?
PRINCESS. Why, of course! You should read the History Books, Woodcutter. The suitors to the hand of a Princess are always set some trial of strength or test of quality by the King, and the winner marries his daughter.
WOODCUTTER. Well, I don't live in a Palace, and I think my own thoughts about these things. I'd better get back to my work. (He goes on with his chopping.)
PRINCESS (gently, after a pause). Woodcutter!
WOODCUTTER (looking up). Oh, are you there? I thought you were married by this time.
PRINCESS (meekly). I don't want to be married. (Hastily) I mean, not to any of those three.
WOODCUTTER. You can't help yourself.
PRINCESS. I know. That's why I wanted you to help me.
WOODCUTTER (going up to her). Can a simple woodcutter help a Princess?
PRINCESS. Well, perhaps a simple one couldn't, but a clever one might.
WOODCUTTER. What would his reward be?
PRINCESS. His reward would be that the Princess, not being married to any of her three suitors, would still be able to help him chop his wood in the mornings. … I am helping you, aren't I?
WOODCUTTER (smiling). Oh, decidedly.
PRINCESS (nodding). I thought I was.
WOODCUTTER. It is kind of a great lady like yourself to help so humble a fellow as I.
PRINCESS (meekly). I'm not very great. (And she isn't. She is the smallest, daintiest little Princess that ever you saw.)
WOODCUTTER. There's enough of you to make a hundred men unhappy.
PRINCESS. And one man happy?
WOODCUTTER. And one man very, very happy.
PRINCESS (innocently). I wonder who he'll be. … Woodcutter, if you were a Prince, would you be my suitor?
WOODCUTTER (scornfully). One of three?
PRINCESS (excitedly). Oo, would you kill the others? With that axe?
WOODCUTTER. I would not kill them, in order to help His Majesty make up his mind about his son-in-law. But if the Princess had made up her mind—and wanted me——
PRINCESS. Yes?
WOODCUTTER. Then I would marry her, however many suitors she had.
PRINCESS. Well, she's only got three at present.
WOODCUTTER. What is that to me?
PRINCESS. Oh, I just thought you might want to be doing something to your axe.
WOODCUTTER. My axe?
PRINCESS. Yes. You see, she has made up her mind.
WOODCUTTER (amazed). You mean—But—but I'm only a woodcutter.
PRINCESS. That's where you'll have the advantage of them, when it comes to axes.
WOODCUTTER. Princess! (He takes her in his arms) My Princess!
PRINCESS. Woodcutter! My woodcutter! My, oh so very slow and uncomprehending, but entirely adorable woodcutter!
(They sing together. They just happen to feel like that)
WOODCUTTER (the song finished). But what will His Majesty say?
PRINCESS. All sorts of things. … Do you really love me, woodcutter, or have I proposed to you under a misapprehension?
WOODCUTTER. I adore you!
PRINCESS (nodding). I thought you did. But I wanted to hear you say it. If I had been a simple peasant, I suppose you would have said it a long time ago?
WOODCUTTER. I expect so.
PRINCESS