Second Plays. A. A. Milne
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(nodding). Yes. … Well, now we must think of a plan for making Mother like you.
WOODCUTTER. Might I just kiss you again before we begin?
PRINCESS. Well, I don't quite see how I am to stop you.
(The WOODCUTTER picks her up in his arms and kisses her.)
WOODCUTTER. There!
PRINCESS (in his arms). Oh, Woodcutter, woodcutter, why didn't you do that the first day I saw you? Then I needn't have had the bother of proposing to you. (He puts her down suddenly) What is it?
WOODCUTTER (listening). Somebody coming. (He peers through the trees and then says in surprise) The King!
PRINCESS. Oh! I must fly!
WOODCUTTER. But you'll come back?
PRINCESS. Perhaps.
[She disappears quickly through the trees.
(The WOODCUTTER goes on with his work and is discovered at it a minute later by the KING and QUEEN.)
KING (puffing). Ah! and a seat all ready for us. How satisfying. (They sit down, a distinguished couple—reading from left to right, "KING, QUEEN"—on a bench outside the WOODCUTTER'S hut.)
QUEEN (crossly—she was like that). I don't know why you dragged me here.
KING. As I told you, my love, to be alone.
QUEEN. Well, you aren't alone. (She indicates the WOODCUTTER.)
KING. Pooh, he doesn't matter. … Well now, about these three Princes. They are getting on my mind rather. It is time we decided which one of them is to marry our beloved child. The trouble is to choose between them.
QUEEN. As regards appetite, there is nothing to choose between them. They are three of the heartiest eaters I have met for some time.
KING. You are right. The sooner we choose one of them, and send the other two about their business, the better. (Reflectively) There were six peaches on the breakfast-table this morning. Did I get one? No.
QUEEN. Did I get one? No.
KING. Did our darling child get one—not that it matters? No.
QUEEN. It is a pity that the seven-headed bull died last year.
KING. Yes, he had a way of sorting out competitors for the hand of our beloved one that was beyond all praise. One could have felt quite sure that, had the three competitors been introduced to him, only one of them would have taken any further interest in the matter.
QUEEN (always the housekeeper). And even he mightn't have taken any interest in his meals.
KING (with a sigh). However, those days are over. We must think of a new test. Somehow I think that, in a son-in-law, moral worth is even more to be desired than mere brute strength. Now my suggestion is this: that you should disguise yourself as a beggar woman and approach each of the three princes in turn, supplicating their charity. In this way we shall discover which of the three has the kindest heart. What do you say, my dear?
QUEEN. An excellent plan. If you remember, I suggested it myself yesterday.
KING (annoyed). Well, of course, it had been in my mind for some time. I don't claim that the idea is original; it has often been done in our family. (Getting up) Well then, if you will get ready, my dear, I will go and find our three friends and see that they come this way. [They go out together.
(As soon as they are out of sight the PRINCESS comes back.)
PRINCESS. Well, Woodcutter, what did I tell you?
WOODCUTTER. What did you tell me?
PRINCESS. Didn't you listen to what they said?
WOODCUTTER. I didn't listen, but I couldn't help hearing.
PRINCESS. Well, I couldn't help listening. And unless you stop it somehow, I shall be married to one of them to-night.
WOODCUTTER. Which one?
PRINCESS. The one with the kindest heart—whichever that is.
WOODCUTTER. Supposing they all three have kind hearts?
PRINCESS (confidently). They won't. They never have. In our circles when three Princes come together, one of them has a kind heart and the other two haven't. (Surprised) Haven't you read any History at all?
WOODCUTTER. I have no time for reading. But I think it's time History was altered a little. We'll alter it this afternoon.
PRINCESS. What do you mean?
WOODCUTTER. Leave this to me. I've got an idea.
PRINCESS (clapping her hands). Oh, how clever of you! But what do you want me to do?
WOODCUTTER (pointing). You know the glade over there where the brook runs through it? Wait for me there.
PRINCESS. I obey my lord's commands.
[She blows him a kiss and runs off
(The WOODCUTTER resumes his work. By and by the RED PRINCE comes along. He is a—well, you will see for yourself what he is like.)
RED PRINCE. Ah, fellow. … Fellow! … I said fellow! (Yes, that sort of man.)
WOODCUTTER (looking up.) Were you speaking to me, my lord?
RED PRINCE. There is no other fellow here that I can see.
(The WOODCUTTER looks round to make sure, peers behind a tree or two, and comes back to the PRINCE.)
WOODCUTTER. Yes, you must have meant me.
RED PRINCE. Yes, of course I meant you, fellow. Have you seen the Princess come past this way? I was told she was waiting for me here.
WOODCUTTER. She is not here, my lord. (Looking round to see that they are alone) My lord, are you one of the Princes who is seeking the hand of the Princess.
RED PRINCE (complacently). I am, fellow.
WOODCUTTER. His Majesty the King was here a while ago. He is to make his decision between you this afternoon. (Meaningly) I think I can help you to be the lucky one, my lord.
RED PRINCE. You suggest that I take an unfair advantage over my fellow-competitors?
WOODCUTTER. I suggest nothing, my lord. I only say that I can help you.
RED PRINCE (magnanimously). Well, I will allow you to help me.
WOODCUTTER. Thank you. Then I will give you this advice. If a beggar woman asks you for a crust of bread this afternoon, remember—it is the test!
RED PRINCE (staggered). The test! But I haven't got a crust of bread!
WOODCUTTER. Wait here and I will get you one.
(He goes into the hut)
RED PRINCE (speaking after him as he goes). My good fellow, I am extremely obliged to you, and if ever I can do anything for you, such as returning a crust to you of similar size, or even lending you another slightly smaller one, or—— (The WOODCUTTER comes back with the crust.) Ah, thank you, my man, thank you.
WOODCUTTER. I would suggest, my lord, that you should take a short walk in this direction (pointing to the opposite direction to that which the PRINCESS has taken), and stroll back casually in a few minutes' time when the Queen is here.
RED PRINCE. Thank you, my man, thank you.
(He puts the crust in his pocket and goes off.) (The WOODCUTTER goes on with his work. The BLUE PRINCE comes in and stands