Second Plays. A. A. Milne
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WOODCUTTER (looking up). Hullo!
BLUE PRINCE. Hullo!
WOODCUTTER. What do you want?
BLUE PRINCE. The Princess.
WOODCUTTER. She's not here.
BLUE PRINCE. Oh!
(The WOODCUTTER goes on with his work and the PRINCE goes on looking at him.)
WOODCUTTER (struck with an idea). Are you one of the Princes who is wooing the Princess?
BLUE PRINCE. Yes.
WOODCUTTER (coming towards him). I believe I could help your Royal Highness.
BLUE PRINCE. Do.
WOODCUTTER (doubtfully). It would perhaps be not Quite fair to the others.
BLUE PRINCE. Don't mind.
WOODCUTTER. Well then, listen. (He pauses a moment and looks round to see that they are alone.)
BLUE PRINCE. I'm listening.
WOODCUTTER. If you come back in five minutes, you will see a beggar woman sitting here. She will ask you for a crust of bread. You must give it to her, for it is the way His Majesty has chosen of testing your kindness of heart.
BLUE PRINCE (feeling in his pockets). No bread.
WOODCUTTER. I will give you some.
BLUE PRINCE. Do.
WOODCUTTER (taking a piece from his pocket). Here you are.
BLUE PRINCE. Thanks.
WOODCUTTER. Not at all, I'm very glad to have been able to help you.
(He goes on with his work. The BLUE PRINCE remains looking at him.)
BLUE PRINCE (with a great effort). Thanks.
(He goes slowly away. A moment later the YELLOW PRINCE makes a graceful and languid entry.)
YELLOW PRINCE. Ah, come hither, my man, come hither.
WOODCUTTER (stopping his work and looking up). You want me, sir?
YELLOW PRINCE. Come hither, my man. Tell me, has her Royal Highness the Princess passed this way lately?
WOODCUTTER. The Princess?
YELLOW PRINCE. Yes, the Princess, my bumpkin. But perhaps you have been too much concerned in your own earthy affairs to have noticed her. You—ah—cut wood, I see.
WOODCUTTER. Yes, sir, I am a woodcutter.
YELLOW PRINCE. A most absorbing life. Some day we must have a long talk about it. But just now I have other business waiting for me. With your permission, good friend, I will leave you to your faggots. (He starts to go.)
WOODCUTTER. Beg your pardon, sir, but are you one of those Princes that want to marry our Princess?
YELLOW PRINCE. I had hoped, good friend, to obtain your permission to do so. I beg you not to refuse it.
WOODCUTTER. You are making fun of me, sir.
YELLOW PRINCE. Discerning creature.
WOODCUTTER. All the same, I can help you.
YELLOW PRINCE. Then pray do so, log-chopper, and earn my everlasting gratitude.
WOODCUTTER. The King has decided that whichever of you three Princes has the kindest heart shall marry his daughter.
YELLOW PRINCE. Then you will be able to bear witness to him that I have already wasted several minutes of my valuable time in condescending to a mere faggot-splitter. Tell him this and the prize is mine. (Kissing the tips of his fingers) Princess, I embrace you.
WOODCUTTER. The King will not listen to me. But if you return here in five minutes, you will find an old woman begging for bread. It is the test which their Majesties have arranged for you. If you share your last crust with her—
YELLOW PRINCE. Yes, but do I look as if I carried a last crust about with me?
WOODCUTTER. But see, I will give you one.
YELLOW PRINCE (taking it between the tips of his fingers). Yes, but—
WOODCUTTER. Put it in your pocket, and when—
YELLOW PRINCE. But, my dear bark-scraper, have you no feeling for clothes at all? How can I put a thing like this in my pocket? (Handing it back to him) I beg you to wrap it up. Here take this. (Gives him a scarf) Neatly, I pray you. (Taking an orange ribbon out of his pocket) Perhaps a little of this round it would make it more tolerable. You think so? I leave it to you. I trust your taste entirely. … Leaving a loop for the little finger, I entreat you … so. (He hangs it on his little finger) In about five minutes, you said? We will be there. (With a bow) We thank you.
(He departs delicately. The WOODCUTTER smiles to himself, puts down his axe and goes off to the PRINCESS. And just in time. For behold! the KING and QUEEN return. At least we think it is the QUEEN, but she is so heavily disguised by a cloak which she wears over her court dress, that for a moment we are not quite sure.)
KING. Now then, my love, if you will sit down on that log there—(placing her)—excellent—I think perhaps you should remove the crown. (Removes it) There! Now the disguise is perfect.
QUEEN. You're sure they are coming? It's a very uncomfortable seat.
KING. I told them that the Princess was waiting for them here. Their natural disappointment at finding I was mistaken will make the test of their good nature an even more exacting one. My own impression is that the Yellow Prince will be the victor.
QUEEN. Oh, I hate that man.
KING (soothingly). Well, well, perhaps it will be the Blue one.
QUEEN. If anything, I dislike him more intensely.
KING. Or even the Red.
QUEEN. Ugh! I can't bear him.
KING. Fortunately, dear, you are not called upon to marry any of them. It is for our darling that we are making the great decision. Listen! I hear one coming. I will hide in the cottage and take note of what happens.
(He disappears into the cottage as the BLUE PRINCE comes in.)
QUEEN. Oh, sir, can you kindly spare a crust of bread for a poor old woman! Please, pretty gentleman!
BLUE PRINCE (standing stolidly in front of her and feeling in his pocket). Bread … Bread … Ah! Bread! (He offers it.)
QUEEN. Oh, thank you, sir. May you be rewarded for your gentle heart.
BLUE PRINCE. Thank you.
(He stands gazing at her. There is an awkward pause.)
QUEEN. A blessing on you, sir.
BLUE PRINCE. Thank you. (He indicates the crust) Bread.
QUEEN. Ah, you have saved the life of a poor old woman——
BLUE PRINCE. Eat it.
QUEEN (embarrassed). I—er—you—er——(She takes a bite and mumbles something.)
BLUE PRINCE. What?
QUEEN (swallowing with great difficulty). I'm almost too happy to eat, sir. Leave a poor old woman alone with her happiness, and——
BLUE PRINCE. Not too happy. Too weak. Help you eat. (He breaks off a piece and holds it to her mouth. With a great effort the QUEEN disposes of it.) Good! … Again! (She does it again.) Now! (She swallows another piece.) Last piece! (She takes it in. He pats her kindly on the back, and she nearly chokes.)