More Toasts. Various
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he glad to see you?"
BILL—"You bet not. I smashed his whole right fender."
"My brother bought a motor here last week," said an angry man to the salesman that stepped up to greet him, "and he said if anything broke you would supply him with new parts."
"Certainly," said the salesman. "What does he want?"
"He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of kneecaps, one elbow, and about half a yard of cuticle," said the man, "and he wants them at once."
An elderly lady of very prim and severe aspect was seated next a young couple, who were discussing the merits of their motor-cars.
"What color is your body?" asked the young man of the girl at his side, meaning of course, the body of her motor.
"Oh, mine is pink. What is yours?"
"Mine," replied the man, "is brown with wide yellow stripes."
This was too much for the old lady. Rising from the table, she exclaimed:
"When young people come to asking each other the color of their bodies at a dinner-party, it is time I left the room."
"Why didn't you stop when I signaled you?" inquired the officer.
"Well," replied Mr. Chuggins, "it had taken me two hours to get this old flivver started, and it seemed a shame to stop her merely to avoid a little thing like being arrested."
Who Can Tell?
Dear Sirs—About the engine. Well,
We write to let you know
We've waded through the booklet on
"What Makes the Engine Go."
It took us close on half a day
To read through all the guff;
The engine goes all right, but don't
Keep goin' long enough.
It's very good to understand
What makes the engine go.
But why the deuce the d—— thing stops
Is what we want to know.
So now we're making this request,
While tears and curses drop,
Please send along a booklet on
What Makes the Engine Stop.
The folk around here all await
With interest your reply:
To them the reasons why she goes
Don't seem to signify.
So while we wait and chew the cud
Don't let the matter flop;
For Gawd's sake write and let us know
What makes the blighter stop.
See also Fords; Garages; Horses; Reputation.
AVIATION
TOMMY (to Aviator)—"What is the most deadly poison known?"
AVIATOR—"Aviation poison."
TOMMY—"How much does it take to kill a person?"
AVIATOR—"One drop!"
ENTHUSIASTIC AVIATOR (after long explanation of principle and workings of his biplane)—"Now, you understand it, don't you?"
YOUNG LADY—"All but one thing."
AVIATOR—"And that is—?"
YOUNG LADY—"What makes it stay up?"
ENTHUSIAST—"Don't the spectators tire you with the questions they ask?"
AVIATOR—"Yes. What else do you want to know?"
MANDY—"Rastus, you all knows dat yo' remind me of dem dere flyin' machines?"
RASTUS—"No, Mandy, how's dat?"
MANDY—"Why becays youse no good on earth."
BACHELORS
It is a safe guess that the man who pokes fun at a woman for shopping all day and not buying anything isn't married.
MADGE—"You shouldn't say he's a confirmed bachelor unless you know."
MARJORIE—"But I do know; I confirmed him."
It is admitted that married men have better halves but it is claimed that bachellors generally have better quarters.
BAGGAGE
TOMMY (just off train, with considerable luggage)—"Cabby, how much is it for me to Latchford?"
CABBY—"Two shillings, sir."
TOMMY—"How much for my luggage?"
CABBY—"Free, sir."
TOMMY—"Take the luggage, I'll walk."
BALDNESS
BALD HEADED GUEST—"Well, sonny, what is it that amuses you?"
YOUNG HOPEFUL—"Nothing; only mother has put a brush and comb in your bedroom."
SCEPTIC—"If you have such an infallible remedy for baldness, why don't you use it?"
SUBTLE BARBER (very bald)—"Ah, sir, I sacrifice my appearance to bring 'ome to clients the 'orror of 'airlessness."—Punch.
"That bald-headed man who just went out is the greatest optimist I ever met," said the druggist.
"That so?" asked the customer.
"Yes," replied the druggist. "When I guaranteed my hair restorer he bought a bottle, and bought a comb and brush because he felt sure he'd need them in a few days."
Two traveling men, who had not met in several years, were condoling with each other on their increasing baldness.
"Well," said Jones, "one comfort is that it's only brain workers who lose their hair."
"Yes," Smith answered, "only thinkers ever become bald. Isn't that so, Sam?" appealing to the porter.
"Well, I dunno 'bout dat," the darky replied. "My granddad said dat an empty bahn doan need no cover."
BANKS AND BANKING
Before the passage of the present strict banking laws in Wisconsin, starting a bank was a comparatively simple proposition. The surprizingly small amount of capital needed is well illustrated by the story a prosperous country-town banker told on himself, when asked how he happened to enter the banking business:
"Well," he said, "I didn't have much else to do, so I rented an empty store building and painted BANK on the window. The first day I was open for business a man came