More Toasts. Various
Читать онлайн книгу.
deposited a hundred dollars with me; the second day another man dropped in and deposited two hundred and fifty; and so, by George, along about the third day I got confidence enough in the bank to put in a hundred myself!"
A negro bank was opened in a small town in Georgia, and Sam deposited ten dollars. Several weeks later he returned to draw out his money. When he presented his check the colored cashier looked at it doubtfully and said: "Sam, you ain't got any money in dis here bank, but I'll look on de books an' make sure." In a minute he came back and said: "Yes, you did have ten dollars; but, nigger, de interes' done eat up dat money."
"Father," said Nellie, "that bank in which you told me to put my money is in a bad way."
"In a bad way?" returned her father. "Why, my child, that's one of the strongest banks in the country. What in the world gives you that idea?"
"Well," said Nellie, "it returned one of my checks today for $30 marked 'No funds.'"
A Buffalo man stopped a newsboy in New York saying: "See here, son, I want to find the Blank National Bank. I'll give you half a dollar if you direct me to it."
With a grin, the boy replied: "All right, come along," and he led the man to a building a half-block away.
The man paid the promised fee, remarking, however, "That was a half-dollar easily earned."
"Sure!" responded the lad. "But you mustn't fergit that bank-directors is paid high in Noo Yawk."
HE—"We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My account at the bank is already overdrawn."
SHE—"Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier. Why don't you keep your account in a bank that has plenty of money?"
A Hebrew by the name of Cohen went into a bank one day and asked the cashier to discount his note. The bank cashier said:
"Mr. Cohen, I can't discount that note unless you get some one you know, a responsible man, to indorse it."
Cohen said to the cashier: "You know me, und you're responsible; you indorse it."
BAPTISM
"You don't know me, do you, Bobby?" asked a lady who had recently been baptized.
"Sure I do," piped the youth. "You're the lady that went in swimming with the preacher last Sunday."
Little Edward's twin sisters were being christened. All went well until Edward saw the water in the font. Then he anxiously turned to his mother and exclaimed: "Ma, which one are you going to keep?"
Throughout the christening ceremony the baby smiled up beautifully into the clergyman's face.
"Well, madam," said he to the young wife, "I must congratulate you on your little one's behavior. I have christened more than 2,000 babies, but I never before christened one that behaved so well as yours."
The young mother smiled demurely, and said:
"His father and I, with a pail of water, have been practising on him for the last ten days."
"Tommy," said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving a lesson on the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two things necessary to baptism?"
"Yes'm," said Tommy, "water and a baby."
In a small country church, not long since a little child was brought forward for baptism. The young minister, taking the little one in his arms, spoke as follows:
"Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this little child. He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir Isaac Newton, or a great labor leader like John Burns; and it is possible he might become the prime minister of England."
Turning to the mother, he inquired, "What is the name of the child?"
"Mary Ann," was the reply.
BAPTISTS
The mayor of a tough border town is about to engage a preacher for the new church.
"Parson, you aren't by any chance a Baptist, are you?"
"Why, no, not necessarily. Why?"
"Well, I was just agoin' to say we have to haul our water twelve miles."
BARGAINS
A thin, anemic woman was accosted by her friend on the street: "Why, Mary, how pale and thin you look! I thought you were going south for your health."
"I was," said Mary, "but my doctor has offered me such a lovely bargain in operations—a major operation for one thousand dollars—and of course I can't resist that."
"How much vas dose collars?"
"Two for a quarter."
"How much for vun?"
"Fifteen cents."
"Giff me de odder vun."
"Ikey," said the teacher, "can you give me a definition for 'a bargain'?"
"Sure I can," smiled Ikey. "A bargain's when you get the best of them."
Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to him by his hopeful.
"How is it?" he demanded, "that you stand so much lower in your studies for the month of January than for December?"
Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad," said he, in an injured tone, "don't you know that everything is marked down after the holidays?"
Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches both parties to the trade.
A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and thought he would be funny at his expense.
"Hello, Pat!" he said. "I'll give you eight (in) pence for a shilling."
"Will ye, now?" said Pat.
"Yes," he replied.
The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put eight pence into his palm in return.
"Eight in pence," he explained. "Not bad, is it?"
"No," answered Pat; "but the shilling is!"
BASEBALL
"Baseball," says a Big League magnate, "is the public's luxury." The small boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can do without.-Puck.
At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting team of similar color a negro preacher was acting as umpire. The pitcher had gone rather wild, and had permitted all the bases to fill. Another man came to the bat, and the nervous pitcher shot one over.
"Ball one," yelled the ump.
The pitcher tried again.
"Ball two," was the decision.
Another effort by the hurler.
"Ball three," said the umpire.
The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort to save the day.
"Ball four," yelled the ump, "and the man's out."
"How come, I'se out?" inquired