Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager. Gael Lindenfield
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sometimes!
Rule 1: Teach by Example Before Giving Instructions
‘I tell myself time and again to overlook mother’s bad example. I only want to see her good points, and to look inside myself for what is lacking in her. But it doesn’t work…’
Anne Frank, Diary of a Young Girl
It is no coincidence that I have put this particular rule at the top of my list. I firmly believe that the single most important thing we can do to help our teenagers develop confidence is to ensure that our own is as strong and healthy as it possibly can be. Ironically, it is during this stage of parenting that our own confidence is often at its most rocky. Not only is it usually midlife crisis time for us personally and in our careers, it is also a time when, as parents, we are continually faced with daunting dilemmas and decisions that we know will have profound consequences on the future of our child. Rarely can we be sure that we will get it right.
‘Should we put our foot down now or will that make her more rebellious?’
‘I want him to be happy and enthusiastic about his work, but if I let him give up that subject, will it hold him back at University?’
‘If we ban smoking at home, won’t that make them go underground with it and then what?’
Once we have made up our agonized mind, we may then have to face a barrage of opposition. We can sometimes feel very isolated and alone. Even those closest to us may disagree with the line we take or the decision we make. Most of us find that over at least some issues we are on opposite sides of the fence to people who have hitherto been great sources of support and love. It’s not just our newly empowered and often rebellious teens who will tell us that we are most definitely wrong. Many of the people who have consulted me have found that, at the same time, they also have to face opposition from their other children, their partner, the grandparents, teachers and sports coaches.
‘Parents of young adolescents are often struggling with their own midlife crisis at the time when their children reach puberty.’
Laurence Steinberg with Wendy Steinberg, Crossing Paths
Being human, many of us will then find that our frustration gets the better of us. We start responding to this criticism in ways that we know we shouldn’t. For example, we might counter our teen’s ‘attack’ with equally hurtful putdowns, such as ‘That’s a bit rare coming from someone with a pigsty of a bedroom like yours’ or an authoritarian reminder of the limit of their power, such as ‘Don’t cheek me or you’ll be sorry’.
Perhaps teaching by example will be the best parenting tool you will ever have. It is likely to continue to wield its impact long after our children have left home, as these examples from adults with confidence problems illustrate.
Josie, a student from a small rural town, was in her first year at university in London – she was referred for counselling by her tutor who spotted that she was underachieving.
‘My parents hardly ever went anywhere. We lived in a quiet street and although the neighbours were very friendly, mostly we kept ourselves to ourselves. Both mum and dad are quite shy – I suppose I take after them. Mum was on pills for her nerves from the doctors most of the time. She’s not seriously ill or anything. She just gets very nervous and hasn’t got much confidence.
…I never went on any of the school holidays – mum would have worried too much and anyway, I know I would have been too homesick. Our holidays were taken in our own caravan and we usually went to the same spot in Brittany. Often my mum’s sister’s family came with us.
I’m not complaining. I had a very happy childhood. We’re a close family and I always got on well with my younger sister. She’s my best friend.
It was a real culture shock when I came here to university. I’d only ever been to London once or twice before – just to do the usual visits to the museums. I didn’t even have to come for an interview here.
…The girls in hall were very friendly; I suppose after a while I just retreated into my shell. I went out a few times but I felt silly – well, different, anyway. So I just started to make excuses.
But I don’t want to go back home. I like the course and my parents would be really upset if I quit. You see, I’m the first in the family to go to university – it’s funny, they think I’m really confident!’
Jill, a 37–year-old marketing manager, was seeking help because she was depressed.
‘I never thought I’d hear myself saying this but I’m just like my mother – though she’d be the last person to see it. I’m everything she’d like to be. She’s always telling me that she wished she had a life like mine. A busy job, always out meeting people and giving presentations. What she doesn’t know is I hate it. I’m in a panic the whole time. I am always worrying about what people think of me.
And I know I am often considered “stand-offish”. Boyfriends are always saying they can’t get through to me. That’s because I don’t let them. The truth is that I don’t like myself very much – so basically I am like my mother. I can remember getting really mad with her as a teenager when she put herself down all the time. Now I find myself doing just the same. I may not be doing it openly like her, but inside I’m always knocking myself…I don’t think I’ve ever been truly happy.’
Jim, a 29–year-old gas fitter, was dragged to counselling by his wife because their marriage was on the rocks, mainly due to his short fuse.
‘My dad never stood up to my mother. She walked all over him. But then he never stood up to anyone…I remember an occasion when we were on holiday when I was fourteen. We were on the beach and had set up our chairs and towels. We went off for a swim and when we came back the chairs had been moved and another family had taken our spot. My dad said nothing to them. When I said it wasn’t fair, he just said (as he always did): “It’s best not to make a fuss. It only leads to trouble.”
I was determined no one was going get the better of me like that. But I don’t want to blame him. I should be able to control myself…it’s all a front. You know, inside I’m a real softie. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Would you believe what I really wanted to be was a doctor. I had the brains but not the bedside manner!
And you know this is my third attempt at the marriage game, don’t you?’
All these parents had cared deeply for their children. There was never any shortage of love or security. But none of them were good-enough role models in terms of confidence. They would have been heartbroken if they knew what unhappiness this inadequacy had caused. Sadly, it would have been so easy to correct. It is never too late to build confidence.
So for those of you who know that your own confidence is shakier than you would like it to be, here are some tips which I hope will help.
It is never too late to become a confident parent.
Top Tips
• Find sources of support before you need them. Ironically, the worst time to be searching for support is when our self-esteem is at its rockiest. If you know that there is a chance that your confidence could plummet under the pressure of parenting your teen, make sure that you have already identified the people to whom you could turn to for help. This could be a professional person such as your doctor, or an approachable teacher at school. Tell them of your concern. (Your lack of confidence may not be obvious to the outside world.) Ask them if they would be prepared to support you through any crisis. You could even talk through some contingency plans with them. To save you worrying alone with some of your worst fears, make plans for how to cope