Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager. Gael Lindenfield
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is meaningful for them. For example:
‘Sounds as though it feels a bit like standing in goal with a blindfold on’
or,
‘Was it a bit like that day when we got back from the sales having spent all day buying things that didn’t really fit us?’
• Ask ‘open questions’ to encourage more than one-word answers – for example, use questions which start with what, why and how.
• Use ‘closed questions’ to round up your talk – these will usually do the opposite of the open questions. They encourage one-word answers. For example:
‘Do you just want to forget it now?…So shall we both get to bed?’ or ‘Do you think I understand more now?’ or ‘Have we covered everything now?’
• Move back or stand up when you want to finish – most people find themselves doing this naturally the moment they think they want to end a conversation. But in my experience many people do not, so it is worth checking yourself. It is one of those natural body signals that we can consciously use to influence the outcome we want. It can be more effective than trying to interrupt a teenager on a mission to convert you to his or her point of view!
• Say what you intend to do or think about as a result of listening to them – this will really boost their confidence because it will indicate that you have taken what they said very seriously. For example:
‘Well, I think I understand now what is going on. I’d like to talk this over with mum before I say yes.’
‘I can see now that all my questioning when you come home feels pressurizing. I’ll try to curb my nosiness.’
‘I’ll ring the school to make an appointment to see Mr Duncan tomorrow.’
• Give them a compliment – this must be sincere, of course. If possible give them specific feedback so they will know exactly what they did well. For example: ‘I know it must have been difficult to tell me…I admire you for having the courage to…’ / ‘I think you explained the situation very clearly.’
• Finish with a positive comment – this could be sharing a feeling or summarizing what your talk together seems to have achieved. For example: ‘I really enjoyed hearing about…’ / ‘It seems as though we have cleared the air – I’m pleased.’
Rule 4: Think Before You Speak
‘The turning point for me was the day that I heard my mother’s words coming out of my own mouth.’
parent in counselling
It is so easy to verbally put our foot in it with teenagers. Firstly, it is during their teen years that most children start, quite literally, to speak a different language. You will notice that they are using words and phrases that either you have never heard of or you have never heard used in that context. (It would be pointless for me to give you examples now because they would be out-of-date next week. Anyway, you will experience the phenomena very soon yourself!)
The way forward for better communication is not for you to start using their new language (as well-meaning parents often try to do). That’s the fast track to losing their respect – they will perceive you as being either patronizing or just plain silly. Also, they might well become annoyed with you because you are undermining something that they need to do. Their use of this new language (and laughing at your ‘antiquated’ expressions!) is an important way of differentiating themselves from you and your generation. Using it helps them to be accepted by their peers. Your challenge as a parent is to stay yourself without sounding like an unapproachable relic from the ark!
Secondly, this is a time when we might well start to use more unhelpful ‘auto-language’. This is the expression I use to refer to the words and phrases which come out of our mouths without our conscious consent! They are programmed responses, many of which we picked up in early childhood. The teenage years are a time when ‘Like mother, like daughter’ and ‘Like father, like son’ syndromes emerge in us in full force. You may have already heard your parent’s voice resounding through your own, possibly saying things to your children you always vowed you’d never say. This can be a very uncomfortable and disconcerting experience. Very few people whose confidence was dented by their own parents’ words want to inflict the same experience on their children. Most of us try very hard to do the exact opposite. But, unless you opt for a complete ‘brain-wash’, you are stuck for life with many of your auto-language responses. They were programmed into your brain at an early age and are therefore exceptionally hard to shift. There is always a danger that they will emerge, in spite of your ‘better self’, when you are highly stressed, over-tired or emotionally wounded. As all of these states are familiar to parents of teens, is it any wonder that you may sound more like your mum and dad during these years?!
But let’s not forget that not all our unwanted auto-language is inherited from our parents. We also pick up phrases and sayings that are commonly used in our surrounding culture. Many of these are relics from an age when ‘children were seen but not heard’. Because they are part of everyday language we may not notice when we are using them. Confident teenagers will dismiss them and make fun of them, but the not-so confident ones are at risk of being hurt by them.
But, let’s not despair too much. We still have a conscious mind and it can help us exert a great deal of control over the language we use.
The key to good communication is to stay yourself without sounding like an unapproachable relic from the ark!
Top Tips
• Play for time whenever you feel emotionally charged – this will help you to think before you speak. Before having any serious conversation with your teen, try to make a habit of taking time to de-stress yourself (see Rule 15 for tips on how to do this) and prepare what you are going to say.
• Keep it short and keep it simple – this is a tip taken straight from the mouths of all the leading communication gurus. The less ‘flowery’ your language, the less of those alienating and antiquated expressions you are likely to use.
• Make a ‘black list’ – write down the phrases that you heard your parents or teachers using that you want to avoid repeating. Add any unwanted clichés you may have picked up from living in the culture in which you grew up. Read through this list frequently for a month. This will fix the phrases in your conscious mind and you will become much more aware of when you are using them. If this doesn’t work, try showing the list to your teen and ask them to tell you when you use them. They will usually be more than happy to oblige!
• Avoid using ‘age labels’ – I certainly know I don’t like being lumped together with all ‘the middle-aged’ people in the world. But I know that I am still guilty of committing this ‘sin’ myself. (And yes, in a sense I have been doing it all the time throughout this book!)
But in face-to-face communication, I believe we should all make a conscious effort to try to avoid using these kinds of labels (direct or implied). They do little good for anyone’s self-esteem. So watch out for expressions, such as:
‘You teens…’
‘Your generation are…’
‘Just typical adolescent behaviour…’
‘You boys and your macho…’
‘Girls of your age today are just…’
‘It’s the hormones again!’
‘You and your friends, you’re all the same…’
‘Act your age…’
‘When you