Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager. Gael Lindenfield
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next appears to need 24–hour career counselling.
Even if we were blessed with perfect parents ourselves, or have already successfully reared six teens or obtained a distinction in ‘Adolescent Studies’, we cannot assume we ever know enough. Every one of us could do with checking from time to time that our wisdom is still good-enough to underpin the developing confidence of our teenagers.
Check that you know enough about the issues that are important to your teen to underpin their developing confidence.
Top Tips
• Swot up on your knowledge of adolescent development – it will help you to know what physical and mental changes you can expect to take place during these years of growth. You should be able to explain to them what is going on in their body and how that might be affecting their health, feelings and behaviour.
– Do you know what is now the typical age for puberty for girls and boys?
– Do you know at what age, roughly, you can expect a boy’s voice to break?
– Do you know at what age most teenagers start experimenting with sex?
– What are the differences between the physical growth and emotional maturity patterns of boys and girls at this age?
• Increase your awareness of teenage culture – it will help if you have a good knowledge of the current concerns and preoccupations of this age group. If you understand these you will be less likely to jump to your own conclusions based just on your own personal experience or prejudice.
– Do you know what is at the top of most teenagers’ list of worries?
– Do most teenagers worry about their weight nowadays – or is the media concern about eating disorders quite out of proportion in the light of the latest research?
– Do you know if peer pressure to smoke or take drugs is stronger than average in your community?
• Talk to as wide a range of parents of teenagers as you can – it helps to have an idea of the experiences and problems which families outside your own immediate circle of friends commonly encounter. It may help reduce unnecessary worry and prevent some molehills from becoming mountainous quarrels. Joining a parenting class, workshop, support group or Internet chat-site can all be good ways of doing this. (You may also pick up many handy coping hints in the process!)
– Can you name the three commonest causes of conflict between parents and teenagers in your country?
– What is the average mid-week bedtime time for 14–year-olds and 17–year-olds in your community?
• Acquire a professional assessment of their individual intellect and skills. It is obviously important to have an objective opinion of their innate potential. But it is also important, in terms of confidence building, to know how likely it is that they will be able to realize this, given the current standards and opportunities in their school and community and the trade in which they wish to work. This will help you to help them set realistic goals. You may be able to get this kind of assessment through the school, but many parents are now having their children privately assessed by educational psychologists or career advisors. Many of these offer reduced fees for people on low incomes.
– What are the current necessary academic qualifications of people training for a) accountancy b) website design c) music d) nursing, or any other career which they may be currently considering?
– Which are the three top social and personal skills that employers today value most?
– What is the difference between IQ, EQ and SQ and can, or should, these and other kinds of intelligence be tested and assessed?
• Find out which are the common telltale signs of physical and mental health problems in this age group – this will help to avoid crises and unnecessary worry. It will also give you an idea of when you should give them a ‘gentle push’ to face up to a symptom which may need professional help.
– How might you tell the difference between a pre-exam tension headache and one which you should consult a doctor about?
– How would you tell whether the proverbial obsession with zits has become a case for ‘acne action’?
– If their sporting activity has decreased and you notice they become breathless more easily, what other problem might you be on the look out for as well?
– If a sore throat has persisted for more than 14 days, should you ask for a blood test for glandular fever?
– Is it common for girls to miss periods in the months leading up to exams?
– Is skipping meals a possible sign of bulimia or anorexia?
– If the pupils of their eyes are constantly dilated, what could be causing this symptom?
– If they are reporting sleeplessness, what should concern you most – early morning waking or difficulty in getting off to sleep?
• Gather information about community resources – you should have this handy even if you think you may never need it. (Just think how confidence boosting it could be for your teenager to give this helpful information to a friend?)
– Do you know the number of your local drugs help-line?
– Does your school have a free counselling service?
– Do you have the address of your local youth advisory service?
– Do you know of any charities who might be able to help low-income families with grants for school trips, extra tuition for learning problems, adventure holidays or sports coaching?
– Do you know of any organizations which counsel or advise families going through divorce?
– Do you know the address of your local bereavement counselling service?
‘My adolescent problems took their most violent form in a shyness of a pathological degree. Few people realize, now, that I have always been…an extremely shy creature – I compensate for this shyness by the typical Williams heartiness and bluster and sometimes explosive fury of behaviour.’
Tennessee Williams
Rule 3: Listen Three Times as Much as you Talk
‘If I had to pick a single suggestion that was designed to help virtually all relationship and family problems, it would be to become a better listener…becoming a better listener is an art form, yet it’s not at all complicated.’
Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff with Your Family
I hope you won’t take this rule literally! I am not suggesting that you do a time-analysis of every conversation you have with your teen. But I do hope that you will take the point that, for the purpose of confidence building, the apparently passive activity of listening is vital.
Why is listening so important?
Firstly, it is one of the most effective ways of showing a teenager respect and feeding their self-esteem. This is the main reason why every counsellor and psychotherapist spends so long refining this skill.
Attentive listening is an effective way of showing a teenager respect and feeding their self-esteem.
Secondly, attentive listening is one of the fastest ways of getting to know a person. And don’t forget that although you may think you know your child through and through after 12 years of intimate life with them, during these crucial developmental years most parents find themselves regularly surprised. With all the extra activity within their bodies and the extra input from the outside world, teenagers are in a state of permanent change. This means that our knowledge of them needs to be continually updated.
Thirdly, talking to a good listener about ourselves – our thoughts and ideas – is