Gathering Strength:. Peggy Kelsey
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they sought. In some instances it happened after a person from the outside, sometimes an Afghan woman in authority, or in this case Mariam:’s foreign female boss, made the effort to go to their house, drink tea, and make a plea on the woman’s behalf. It might take more than the proverbial "three cups of tea," but men can many times be convinced if a way can be shown that will ease their deeper concerns. Of course this takes time, but that doesn’t make it impossible.
Traveling alone and returning home after dark pose real risks for Afghan women. People are curious about their neighbors’ business, and if someone happens to notice that a woman is coming home alone after dark, rumors can spread that she is out misbehaving. "After all, why else would a woman be out after dark?" These sorts of rumors can lead to difficulty in finding the girl a husband, or in extreme cases, to her conviction for adultery. This is a little less of a concern for Mariam’s family because they don’t have conservative family members living with or near them. However, if anything were to go wrong, her reputation as a respectable girl could be in jeopardy.
One significant detail: Mariam:’s dad wasn’t letting her go off on pleasure trips with girlfriends. She was going to work. Her liberation and travel would earn needed money for the family, specifically for her brother’s schooling. Their children’s earnings are the main social security Afghan parents have. When women contribute to the household income, not only are they more respected, but they receive more freedom as well. People think photography is a crazy thing to pursue until Mariam tells them that she earns money doing it. Afghan photographers earning a living with photography bring legitimacy and respect to the whole profession.
Sahraa: I married a man that I never knew before. It was totally my choice. Sometimes I think I’m very stupid. I take a lot of risks in life. But in this marriage I started to notice society more and more. My husband is totally different from me. He doesn’t talk about art, he doesn’t even like art. In his eyes, everything is political. But being married to him is another kind of searching. It’s another experience. I’m sure that I’m not going to divorce him, because every day I learn something new about him that teaches me something new about myself. Through him, I started to really notice society. If I want to speak about and criticize this culture, then I need to know about it from experience, from the inside. I live with my parents-in-law. They’re totally religious, traditional people. They always pray. I don’t pray, and I come like this, in blue jeans. I don’t limit anybody in my house, I am just myself. I create a question in their minds.
Peggy: It seems that even though your parents-in-law are very traditional, they don’t try to control you much.
Sahraa: My PhD is important to them. They always say, "You are a very educated woman, so you know what you do." But I also have very good support from my husband. This is a key point. So when my husband agrees with something that they don’t like, they go along with it, but it’s very hard.
For example, last week I appeared on Tolo TV. We were all watching it together after supper. When they saw their bride on TV, it was like I had dropped a bomb. They felt ashamed and my father-in-law didn’t speak with me for two days. He’s a very good person, though. Yesterday we were at home alone and got a chance to talk. So I asked him, "Why are you so angry with me?" I am the first bride who has spoken with him so openly. He started to tell me that it was shameful that I spoke about cinema on TV. I said, "Okay then, what should I talk about? Cinema is what I studied; this is my work."
He replied, "I don’t have a problem with you being on television because I know that not every woman who appears on TV is a prostitute. You can speak on TV but don’t speak about cinema." It’s good that he improved a little. At least, he said I can be on TV. He is from this country and thousands of people think like he does. Also, thousands of women are like me, they have talent and want to be filmmakers. Unfortunately, they don’t have the opportunity to go abroad, to transform their thinking, to come back to Afghanistan and be a rebel. I don’t want to be a rebel, really. I want a very normal way to change certain things. Even if this change is very small, it’s still change.
I’m only 27 so it would be very egotistical to think I can change his mind. It would be selfish really. So I don’t try to change him, but to show him another way and help him be more open-minded. For example, my brother-in-law’s wife wears a burqa. I don’t. They don’t speak with men, but I do. I listen to opera and sing it in the house. My brother-in-law keeps saying, "Why doesn’t she wear a burqa?" and my father-in-law just answers, "That’s how she is." But now I cover myself up more [with a hooded long-sleeved cloak] when I go out because it’s good not to provoke or embarrass them. I respect them very much, but I don’t want to play the role of someone I never knew. I was a good daughter, but my father died. So now, for whom should I be a good daughter?
Peggy: I talked with Sahraa again in May, 2012 when she was in California, presenting her films at the Berkeley Iranian Film Festival.
What did your mother have to say about your marrying your husband?
Sahraa: She and my family didn’t want me to marry him because they know me and could see how different we are. But they didn’t pressure me.
Peggy: Are you still married even though you live in Slovakia?
Sahraa: Yes, and when I go back to Afghanistan I stay with my family. I accept and love them and they feel the same towards me. We get along fine. Before I married I told my husband that I am a filmmaker and that is the most important thing for me. He doesn’t mind that I travel a lot and he doesn’t want to live in Slovakia.
Peggy: Is there resentment or jealousy between you and your burqa-wearing sister-in-law?
Sahraa: No, I love her and we get along well. I have convinced her not to wear the burqa and her husband has agreed. The problem is that people in Afghanistan don’t think with their minds, they think with their eyes. What they see others do is what they think is right. Wearing a burqa was a habit for her, but when I pointed out that it’s not necessary in Islam, they changed their minds. All of my in-laws are very tolerant and we respect each other.
Peggy: What projects are you working on now?
Sahraa: I just finished a film on the life of Suraia Perlika. (See the chapter on Suraia in this book.)
Peggy: How was it when you were a little girl growing up? Did your parents encourage your art?
Elaha: My parents loved their daughters and always encouraged us to be politicians, business women, or engineers, but not singers. They didn’t hate art, but they were concerned about how society would accept me as a singer. So they were against me becoming a singer.
Peggy: So how did you fight against that, because now you are a singer?
Elaha: Even now my parents don’t like me to sing. I love my parents but that doesn’t mean that their ideas are always right. They have to accept me and I have to accept them. Traditionally in Afghanistan, singers have never had a good reputation. This makes it much harder for me. This attitude puts a lot of pressure on my family, especially my parents. Before I sang onstage, my parents