The Art of Connection. Michael J. Gelb
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whom I collaborated at these companies have moved on to other opportunities, and many of them are my clients in their new roles. All of them are gifted in many ways, but the distinguishing attribute of the finest leaders is their skill in building relationships.
The concept of a “job” is obsolete. You may have a position at a company, but that could end tomorrow. You are a free agent, the leader of your own enterprise. If you are employed by a company now, it just means that you have only one client. If you lose that position tomorrow, it is your relationships that will help you manage the transition successfully.
The workforce is more diverse and less hierarchical, collaboration is more important, and the best people are more motivated by intrinsic incentives. Our society is more diverse and business is more global, so leaders need to be more flexible and adaptable in their relationship-building and communication skills. Teams form, accomplish a task, and then reform for a new task. Collaboration has always been important, but now teams must come together to build trust and alignment faster than ever. Money is still important as a reward, but increasingly so is a sense of meaning, purpose, and connection. Guiding others to discover a sense of meaning, purpose, and connection is an increasingly important element of contemporary leadership.
Much of what follows is drawn from leadership development seminars I’ve designed and conducted for clients in many different organizations, large and small, profit and nonprofit. Each seminar begins with a few questions for contemplation and then clarification of some fundamental definitions and underlying assumptions, followed by setting goals for our time together. Let’s do that here as well.
What Is Leadership?
There seem to be as many different definitions and descriptions of leaders and leadership as there are leadership books. Before I share mine, please consider yours.
What’s your definition of leadership?
What are the most important qualities and skills that leaders need now?
Have the skills leaders need changed?
How does leadership differ from management?
Does leadership require charisma?
Is leadership dependent on title, office, or position?
Are leaders born or made?
Here is my formal definition of leadership:
Leadership is a process of social influence that optimizes the energy of others to realize a vision, execute a strategy, or achieve a goal.
My informal definition is:
Leadership is the art of connection! It’s about building relationships to bring out the best in others.
At Wheels Up and in every organization where the atmosphere is infused with positive energy, the leaders are skilled in relationship building. As you improve your skills in connecting with others, you’re more likely to be recognized as a leader. As you gain recognition and become more senior in an organization, people watch you and the way you treat others with hawklike attention. In companies, schools, nonprofit organizations, and at home, leaders set the example of connection and take responsibility for the quality of relationships, which determines the quality of energy.
Three Myths about Leadership
Before we go further, let’s examine three common misconceptions about what it takes to be a leader.
1. Leadership is a function of position, title, or seniority. Leadership skills used to be thought of as just for those at the top of the pyramid, but as organizations become less hierarchical, these skills become more important for everyone. Although leadership isn’t necessarily correlated with position, title, or seniority, if you have gained responsibility or are in a position of formal authority, it’s even more important to refine these skills.
2. Leadership requires charisma and extroversion. Charisma can be useful in inspiring people to “buy into” a vision, but it’s not necessary. What is necessary, whether you’re an extrovert, introvert, or ambivert, is self-awareness and openness to change. For charismatic extroverts this often means being more receptive and empathic, and for shy introverts it means learning to be more social and assertive.
3. Leaders are born, not made. The idea that leadership is determined genetically is, as pioneering scholar and consultant Warren Bennis (1925–2014) emphasized, the most dangerous leadership myth. It’s dangerous because it stops many people from cultivating the skills they need to lead. Bennis exhorts: “This myth asserts that people simply either have certain charismatic qualities or not. That’s nonsense; in fact, the opposite is true.” He concludes, “Leaders are made rather than born.”
How do you make yourself into a leader? You learn the skills of the art of connection. Sam Horn offers a compelling example. She’s a leader with remarkable relationship-building skills, a role model for anyone interested in the art of connection. Acclaimed as the “Intrigue Expert,” she’s an internationally renowned communications strategist who has written a number of bestsellers and coached many of the world’s top entrepreneurs and executives. Sam brings people together to bring out their best. Just one example: she helped create the Maui Writers Conference and was its executive director and seventeen-time emcee.
But what makes her such a compelling role model for leaders who want to develop their relationship-building skills is that she wasn’t “born” with this gift; she made it happen. As she expresses it: “I was a smart girl in a small town, and being a smart girl in a small town is not a prescription for popularity. I was a brainiac with little patience for small talk. I loved talking about big ideas. At the time, I didn’t realize that sometimes comes across as showing off.”
When Sam was fifteen years old, she discovered Dale Carnegie’s classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936). Her life changed forever when she read these words: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Sam realized that instead of showing off and trying to be the most interesting person in the room, she could train herself to be the most interested person in the room. She explains, “Instead of talking about what I know, I focus on finding out what other people know.” Sam, who now usually becomes the most popular woman in any room she enters, attributes her success to her continuing quest to improve her relationship-building skills. She enthuses, “Connection is the secret of life!”
Leaders are made, not born, and the making is a process that continues throughout life. This has not changed. Except, perhaps, that it has become more important.
How Does Leadership Differ from Management?
Leadership is the art of accomplishing more than the science of management says is possible.
— COLIN POWELL, former U.S. Secretary of State
Managers are busy cutting their way through the forest. The leader climbs the tallest tree, looks around, and shouts, “Hey, we’re cutting through the wrong forest.” The managers respond, “Shut up! We’re making progress!”
Managers control, organize, and measure. Leaders strategize, inspire, and energize. In the real world, now we must all do both! We all have to sharpen our saws and help cut through the forest and remain cognizant of the big picture and the purpose of our actions, while consistently striving to bring out the best in ourselves and others.
In the past managers were asked to focus on doing things right, whereas leaders put more emphasis on doing the right things. Now we must all focus on doing the right things right.
Becoming a Conscious Leader
Please take a few minutes to contemplate these three questions:
1. What percentage of people’s visible behavior do you think is habitual? In other words, as you watch people go about their everyday activities — entering an elevator, queuing up at an airline check-in counter, ordering a latte — how much of what they’re doing is on automatic pilot?
2.