The Art of Connection. Michael J. Gelb
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relationships, and it often means managing conflict.
Many of my clients are champions of innovative change in companies, schools, and government agencies, and they seek help in overcoming resistance to new ideas. Resistance to change and innovation is to be expected. As Italian philosopher and statesman Niccolò Machiavelli (1469–1527) observed five hundred years ago: “It ought to be remembered that there is nothing more perilous…than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. Because the innovator has for enemies all those who have done well under the old conditions, and lukewarm defenders in those who may do well under the new.”
Whether you are championing innovation and positive change in your organization, trying to negotiate a fair deal with a collaborator, or dealing with a dispute with your spouse or child, your success and fulfillment will be a function of your ability to apply the art of connection.
Conjungere ad Solvendum
Conjungere ad solvendum is Latin for “Connect before solving.” I made up this motto because, through teaching and facilitating innovative thinking for decades, I’ve discovered that the most powerful catalyst for inspiring creative breakthroughs and translating those breakthroughs into sustainable innovations is to guide people to connect with one another first, before trying to solve a problem. When people connect, when they are simpatico, on the same wavelength, attuned, in rapport, they are much better at generating and implementing new ideas.
When people really listen, when they are fully present with one another, it is, as pioneering psychotherapist Carl Rogers (1902–87) describes, “astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble.” Rogers adds that when genuine connection happens, “confusions which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams.”
This isn’t just true in therapy. Connection facilitates creativity in all domains. When people truly listen to one another, something reliably magical happens: seemingly irremediable confusions do become clear flowing streams. This is true in a marriage, a friendship, or a professional collaboration.
The art of connection — creating and maintaining genuine rapport with others — is the key to building relationships, resolving conflict, and making creative dreams come true.
This book is for you, if you:
• Are an aspiring leader who wishes to cultivate the relationship-building skills necessary to translate creative visions into practical realities;
• Would like to differentiate yourself from the growing tendency toward shallow and superficial communication;
• Seek a stronger sense of connection and fulfillment in all your relationships;
• Wish to discover, and to help others discover, a deeper sense of meaning, purpose, and connection.
When it comes to learning and developing this art, we all need all the help we can get! Why?
Most people apply the communication strategies with which they were raised. If you come from a family who didn’t express emotions openly and clearly, then chances are you will have a hard time expressing emotion yourself. If you were raised in an environment where anger was repressed and acted out in passive-aggressive ways, the odds are that you will do the same. Maybe you’ve seen the Far Side cartoon that depicts a huge auditorium with a large banner over the stage that says: “WELCOME! Convention of People from Nondysfunctional Families.” Almost all of the seats are empty!
If people are not unconsciously mimicking the dysfunctional communication habits with which they were raised, they may be reacting against them or they may be getting their idea of how to communicate from some form of media, both of which can have problematic results. And then, of course, there’s the depersonalizing effect of contemporary electronic communication. Positive models of the art of connection are rare. You’ve got to create your own, and this book will guide you in that process.
The Art of Connection has been incubating for decades based on insights and experiences that are fundamental to my evolving understanding of relationship building. Some of the material in this book has appeared in previous books that I have written, but it is reframed and contextualized here in a way that I hope you will experience as most useful and relevant to our present circumstances.
The seven skills we will explore are all timeless, but they are also especially timely and most essential for leaders now. Each chapter includes illustrative stories, relevant scientific research, and practical exercises to help you apply the skill. Let’s begin by considering the profound role of the art of connection in supporting your health, happiness, and effectiveness as a leader.
Getting the Most from The Art of Connection
The Greatest Point of Leverage
In the classic comedy film City Slickers, Curly, the savvy, grizzled cowboy, played by the late great Jack Palance, imparts the secret of life to Mitch, the naive city slicker, played by Billy Crystal, as they ride their horses:
CURLY: Do you know what the secret of life is? This. [He raises one finger.]
MITCH: Your finger?
CURLY: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that, and everything else don’t mean shit.
MITCH: That’s great.…But what is the “one thing”?
CURLY: That’s what you gotta figure out.
This book features many suggestions and practices throughout the text that I trust will be meaningful, and at the end of each chapter you’ll find one thing, one action step, exercise, or practice that will help you get the most out of the skill discussed in the chapter.
This one thing is my best response to the question: What’s the greatest point of leverage in applying this information now? Contemplating this powerful question helps individuals and organizations focus on the most potent specific action they can take to best advance their interests. Ultimately, as Curly notes, you’ve got to figure out relationship building for yourself. This closing section of each chapter is designed to help you get started in the most productive way.
References, Citations, and Recommendations
I quote others only to better express myself.
— MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE (1533–92), French philosopher
Michel de Montaigne may be reviled by high-school students for popularizing the essay as a literary form, but his quote about quoting is a perfect expression of my criteria for including the words and wisdom of others in this book. I use quotes when they are clever, memorable, or authoritative in support of a point that I believe is helpful for you.
Most of the quotes on the internet are accurate.
— THOMAS JEFFERSON
Like the line above, many of the quotations on various websites are not accurate, or they are misattributed, or both. For example, here’s a wonderful quote that summarizes a major theme of the book:
You cannot live for yourselves; a thousand fibers connect you with your fellow men, and along those fibers, as along sympathetic threads, run your actions as causes, and return to you as effects.
— Commonly attributed to author HERMAN MELVILLE (1819–91), but actually said by the Anglican priest HENRY MELVILL (1798–1871)
All references and quotes in this book have been checked to ensure authenticity and accuracy. Many of the quotations from living authors and researchers have been verified directly with the source. When I didn’t have direct access to the original source, I relied on Kristen Cashman, the brilliant managing editor of New World Library, and Garson O’Toole, a.k.a. the Quote Investigator, author of Hemingway Didn’t Say That: The Truth Behind Familiar Quotations. Website links have been tested and were all functioning as we went to press.
The HAC Workplace
HAC stands for “high-acronym culture.” Many of my corporate