The Art of Connection. Michael J. Gelb
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that’s validated by contemporary research.
E PLURIBUS UNUM
E pluribus unum, Latin for “Out of many, one,” is the original motto for the United States of America. After the tragic events of September 11, 2001, Michael Lee Stallard was inspired by the way many people in the New York area came together as one. Shortly thereafter he founded E Pluribus Partners, a firm dedicated to helping individuals, organizations, and society thrive through the art of connection.
I asked Stallard, the author of Connection Culture: The Competitive Advantage of Shared Identity, Empathy, and Understanding at Work, about the development of his passion. He responded that his business training had caused him to focus on numbers and metrics, so it took a long time to develop an appreciation for the importance of the human element. Gradually, during his twenty-five-year tenure on Wall Street, he noticed how morale affected performance for better or worse. In one notable instance, a toxic culture led him to feel that his “life force was being drained away.”
After Stallard was promoted to chief marketing officer for the global private wealth–management department of an international brokerage firm, he realized he could put into practice the lessons he’d learned about building positive relationships, first internally among his direct subordinates, then throughout his organization, and finally with clients and other stakeholders. The result? Revenues more than doubled over a two-and-a-half-year period. Stallard exults, “People were happy, and we were dramatically more profitable!”
Then a more personal challenge led him to make the art of connection the primary focus in life. He explains: “My wife, Katie, was diagnosed with breast cancer. The kindness and compassion of many of the health-care workers at our local hospital, some of whom were cancer survivors themselves, were a great comfort. Many of them went way beyond their regular duties to make a human connection with us in a way that boosted our spirits.”
A year later the Stallards were confronted with more adversity when Katie was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Her treatment included regular chemotherapy at the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York. Stallard says that the professionalism and expertise of the physicians were complemented by what they experienced as a surprising level of genuine personal warmth and caring from everyone on the staff.
He notes: “One day while Katie was having a treatment, I went to the gift shop to get something to drink and stumbled on a meeting in the adjacent lounge where hospital workers were discussing an employee survey. I overheard them share that they loved working there, because they loved their colleagues, their patients, and their cause: to provide the best cancer care, anywhere!”
Katie is in remission for both cancers. Stallard is convinced that the loving-kindness they felt from everyone at the hospital and from friends and family was the key element in her recovery. Stallard experienced a life-changing epiphany as he realized the power of connection to both make his business more profitable and keep his beloved wife alive.
“Connection,” he says, “is the secret of life! It gets us through the inevitable difficult seasons we all experience. It helps us grow in competence and character and makes us healthier, happier, and more productive.”
The Friendship Algorithm
To be honest, I really don’t give a damn about the brain.
I care about the human soul.
— MARCO IACOBONI, Director, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Lab at the Ahmanson-Lovelace Brain Mapping Center, UCLA
In a 2009 episode of the sitcom The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon, the idiosyncratic and socially inept theoretical physicist, decides that making friends may help him get privileged access to the main computer at the university. He develops a scientific approach, constructing an algorithm to figure out the most efficient strategy to befriend the computer’s gatekeeper. The result is predictably hilarious.
There’s more scientific information available today about social connection and the power of relationships than ever before, and yet the general level of “people skills” seems to be declining. Indeed, there are plenty of neuroscientists who don’t seem to have well-developed interpersonal intelligence.
Marco Iacoboni, author of Mirroring People: The Science of Empathy and How We Connect with Others, is an exception. We connected a few years ago while sharing the stage at the International Conference on Happiness and Its Causes, in Australia, featuring His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Marco’s warmth, openness, and friendliness inspired me to tell him, over a bottle of spicy Aussie Shiraz, “It’s a relief to know that the pioneer of mirror neuron research is a really nice guy.”
I asked him to summarize his research on human nature and to comment on the dominance of the centuries-old belief that we are selfish beings, designed primarily for self-preservation.
Marco responded by telling me about his lunch with the Dalai Lama and the legendary primatologist Jane Goodall at the Australian conference, where they discussed this exact issue. He enthused: “Jane Goodall shared extraordinary stories of prosocial behavior in the animal kingdom, including examples of altruistic behavior in snakes. Snakes! How can snakes be altruistic and humans aren’t?” He continued, “Our work suggests that human nature is, indeed, fundamentally prosocial, and if anything, we unlearn our natural empathy through socialization.”
In other words, we are born to be empathic. Our brains have evolved special cells known as “mirror neurons” that attune us to others, so we can feel what they feel, instantly, reflexively, and effortlessly. Marco comments: “When I see you smile or grimace in pain, I don’t have to do complex reasoning about your state of mind. I get it right away, because my brain mirrors you. This creates a powerful connection between us.”
Marco explains that neuroscience is illuminating the mechanisms that make it clear that empathy can be developed. The positive implications for the amelioration of a range of mental-health challenges such as narcissistic personality disorder or autism are obvious, but there are broader implications as well. He emphasizes: “I believe it’s essential for anyone in a position of leadership, and it’s also important for pretty much anyone who wants better relationships. Just as athletes train themselves in their sport, you can develop your ability to connect with others. There are many ways, but if I have to find a common denominator, I’d say that focusing on the art of human connection is what is needed.”
The Art in Context
General McChrystal realized that his forces had to break down the command silos and rigid hierarchy that hampered their agility. Since leading my first senior management seminar in 1979, the organizations with which I’ve consulted have been working to transform themselves in a manner similar to what the general recommends.
The broad megatrends involve moving from hierarchical structures to more collaborative ones, from “command and control” to an emphasis on participation and cooperation. When I started leading seminars, female participants were rare. Now more than half of my clients are women. Workplaces are far more diverse, and intrinsic incentives are increasingly important.
But many people still haven’t incorporated the relationship-building skills that support evolving cultures and more flexible structures. And the challenge is growing, as we are awash in a tsunami of spam and bloated by infobesity. The skills of listening and communicating seem to be declining rapidly. Why? And what can you do about it?
Overcoming ADD
A wealth of information creates a poverty of attention.
— HERBERT SIMON (1916–2001), Nobel Laureate in Economics
I love the internet. I love connecting with friends, family, and clients anywhere, at any time, and I love having immediate access to all human knowledge. It’s a dream come true. In 1982, I moved to Washington, DC, the place where creative