The Rules of the Game. Neil Strauss
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rejected, we think she doesn’t want us.
But how could she possibly have decided she doesn’t want us? She’s known us only for a short while. She’s practically a complete stranger. She doesn’t know how great we are, the way our friends and family do. Why do we value her opinion over theirs? Why do we attach so much emotional baggage to a virtual stranger’s ill-formed opinion? You guessed it: the limiting mind.
Practice the Crash and Burn Strategy
If, after reading this, you still have a crippling fear of social rejection, then go out and try to get rejected. Every accomplished social artist I know has a ton of rejections under his belt. That’s simply the price you have to pay for excellence.
To quote Michael Jordan, “I’ve missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I’ve lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
After a few rejections, you’ll see that it’s not so bad, that rejection really has nothing to do with who you are. It’s more like somebody flicking you in the shoulder with a finger. You know it happened, but it doesn’t hurt you or really even bother you. It’s actually just immature and embarrassing on their part.
I took a student out once and tried to get us rejected to help him past his fears. But a funny thing happened: My plan backfired, and I wasn’t rejected at all. The conversation went something like this:
ME: Hey! How are you doing? Could you blow us out? We need to get blown out.
THEM: Huh? What’s that?
ME: Oh, that’s when a couple of guys roll up and you’re in some mood, so you’re totally rude and don’t wanna talk, and you tell the guys to—
THEM [INTERRUPTING]: Oh, we’re not rude. Not at all!
We ended up having a pleasant conversation for forty-five minutes, after which we exchanged contact information. The exercise was supposed to demonstrate that blow-outs are pain free, but it ended up teaching a different lesson: that you can open by saying almost anything when you’re confident, congruent, and upbeat.
Feel free to prove it to yourself. Next time you see someone you want to talk to, open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. As long as your comment or question isn’t rude or hostile, you may be surprised by how difficult it is to get solidly rejected.
After trying this a few times, you’ll also notice that everyone’s responses vary. Then you can adjust your attitude to expect nothing and prepare for everything. Or, as the poet Samuel Hazo puts it:
Expect everything, and anything seems nothing.
Expect nothing, and anything seems everything.
STOP!
DID YOU COMPLIMENT FOUR WOMEN?
DID YOU SHOP FOR NEW CLOTHES?
DID YOU CREATE YOUR MISSION STATEMENT,
DO THE POSTURE EXERCISE, GET MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS FROM THREE STRANGERS?
IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS, THEN PROCEED TO THE NEXT PAGE.
IF YOU HAVEN’T ACTUALLY BEEN DOING THE MISSIONS BUT JUST READING TO GET THE INFORMATION, THEN DO NOT PROGRESS PAST THIS PAGE UNTIL YOU CAN ANSWER YES TO THE QUESTIONS ABOVE.
READING THIS WORKBOOK STRAIGHT THROUGH IS LIKE GOING TO THE GYM TO WATCH TELEVISION.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO IMPROVE IF YOU DON’T DO THE EXERCISES.
DAY
MISSION 1: Learn to Open
Your first lesson today: There is no such thing as a pickup line.
If there were a single sentence that magically made women fall in love or lust, every man would be using it. Most of what people call pickup lines are actually comedic one-liners that were never legitimately used to meet women in the first place.
What does exist is a specific sequential process that can be used to develop a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman.
And this process begins with the opener, perhaps the most important part of the interaction.
Your task is to turn to your Day 7 Briefing and read the field guide to openers before beginning the next mission.
MISSION 2: Prepare Your Opener
Your mission is to develop an original opener based on today’s briefing.
The simplest way to generate an opener is to think about anything you’re curious about, want to learn, or are confused about. Choose a topic that is likely to capture the interest of most people. It can be a meaningful, debate-inspiring subject based on a relationship or spiritual crisis, or it can be a specific, trivial subject based on a popular culture, travel, health, or social customs query.
Then, instead of asking a friend about the subject or looking up the information on the internet, use it as a reason to talk to other people. For example, if you can’t remember who sings a certain popular song, make it your mission when you leave the house today to ask strangers until you get a correct answer. If your friend’s girlfriend tried to kiss you, and you don’t know whether to tell him or not, by all means, get some advice from the woman in the street.
Even unlikely questions can be effective openers as long as they’re genuine. For example, I was having a debate with a friend one day over the names of the oceans. So, rather than seek the immediate gratification of Google, we made it our opener for the night: “Hey, how good were you at high school geography? Okay, how many continents are there? Right, seven. And how many oceans? Okay, five. So here’s the question: What are the five oceans? My friend and I have been stuck on this all day. We can come up with only four.”
As ridiculous as it sounds, it started a conversation every time.
Although today’s briefing mentions different types of openers, for this task, focus on indirect openers that don’t convey sexual or romantic interest. Make sure your attitude about whatever you ask is positive and that you avoid discussing anything that might reflect badly on you, such as creepy topics like serial killers or insecure questions about yourself.
MISSION 3: Test Your Opener
Get groomed, get dressed, and get excited. Your mission today is to approach three different women—or groups that include women—and deliver either an opener you’ve invented or one you read in today’s material. You may approach in the street, at a café or bar, in the mall, in an office waiting room, or wherever you choose.
It isn’t necessary to continue the conversation afterward, but feel free to do so if it’s going well. When the discussion comes to a natural close, exit with a simple line: “Thanks. Nice meeting you,” for example.
It is not necessary to have three successful interactions; just three approaches. Tomorrow we’ll add a few extra pieces that will greatly increase the success and effectiveness of your openers.
MISSION 4: Evaluate Your Approaches
In the space below, make a list of the approaches you did today.
If any went well, write down the reasons you believe they worked. If any went poorly, make a note of why you believe they weren’t successful.
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