The Rules of the Game. Neil Strauss
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free at any point to go to www.stylelife.com/challenge to learn new and proven openers created by Challengers and coaches.
As you become more advanced, you’ll find yourself relying less on prescripted openers. You’ll eventually be able to go out with friends and challenge one another to come up with the most ridiculous opening lines possible. And as long as your attitude is upbeat, non-needy, empathic, and positive, you’ll discover that you can do no wrong.
Troubleshooting
Tomorrow you’ll learn the two keys to avoiding most things that can go wrong during an opener.
For now, just remember that whatever happens during the opener is feedback. A rejection is not a comment on you but on your technique.
If a woman tells you that she has a boyfriend (and you haven’t asked), it means she thought you were hitting on her. If she says she has to go to the bathroom, it means you made her uncomfortable. Adjust your future approaches based on these responses and develop answers that will transform common objections into attraction-building material. For example, if she accuses you of using a pickup line, you can respond, “You thought I was hitting on you? That’s cute, but I don’t think you could handle me.”
Whatever you do, always remember the golden rule: You must open.
If you don’t approach, you’ll never know whether that stranger could have become a girlfriend, a casual fling, a good friend, or even a career opportunity. Almost every student I’ve talked with has regrets about not approaching a girl. But few have ever regretted making an approach, no matter what happened.
The pain of letting yourself down is much greater than anything someone else can say.
DAY
MISSION 1: Fine-tune Your Openers
Congratulations on delivering your first openers. Some of you may have found that conversations began with ease. Others, not so much. If you felt like you were bugging people, if someone asked whether you were taking a survey, or if you got funny looks, that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It just means you’re ready for your next mission.
Today you’re going to learn two key subtleties of opening. Once you add these pieces to your approach, you’ll notice a big difference in the effectiveness of the opener and the responses you get.
So turn to your Day 8 Briefing and read about the two keys before continuing to the next mission.
MISSION 2: Approach with Your New Tools
Approach three women—or groups that include women—with the opener you used yesterday.
This time, add both a root and a time constraint to each approach.
MISSION 3: Evaluate
When you return home, ask yourself if there was anything different about the responses you received from women you approached today, compared with those you approached yesterday. List three differences in the space below:
If you used an opener you made up, but it didn’t seem to spark a natural conversation, then in future missions try using one of the scripts provided in this book (such as the shady friend or five oceans openers), or examine and modify your opener.
If you’re not sure whether your opener is effective, post it on the Stylelife website message boards. There your fellow Challengers will evaluate and, if necessary, strengthen the material.
DAY 8 BRIEFING
THE TWO KEYS
As soon as you approach a group of strangers, they generally think two things: “What does this person want from me?” and “How long is he going to stay here?”
One of the strategies of the game is anticipating and defusing these objections—and any objections—before they happen. If you do this successfully in the first minute or two of your approach, you’ll be much less likely to receive negative or flat responses.
Rooting
If a woman doesn’t know why you’re talking to her, she’ll generally be suspicious until she either finds out from you or guesses her own reason. This is why people using opinion openers for the first time are often asked if they’re taking a survey.
To anticipate the question “What does this person want from me?” you need to “root” your opener by giving your question a legitimate context.
For example, the opener may be something that’s just now come up in your life, and there’s a slightly urgent need to get an answer immediately.
The best way to convey this is to explain at some point during the opener why you’re asking. You can use the following words to introduce your root: “The reason I’m asking is because . . .”
In the shady friend opener, the reason you’re asking is that your buddy just moved in with his girlfriend, and she doesn’t want him to talk to one of his female friends. And you were just now trying to give him advice, but he won’t listen and you need some backup.
The root doesn’t always need to be elaborate. It can be as simple as: “My friend and I were just talking, and we need a woman’s perspective.” If you’re not with a friend, then it can be a discussion you were just having on your cell phone. Anything reasonable qualifies as a root, as long as it lets the woman or group know why you walked up and started talking to them about that particular subject at that very moment.
Time Constraints
For most inexperienced men, the game consists of approaching a woman and trying to stay in constant conversation until she either dismisses him or sleeps with him. Because of this, women have developed a vast array of tactics to get rid of guys who lurk too long.
This is why, from now on, you’re going to let her know right away that you’re not one of those guys. Unless she’s already attracted to you, from the minute you approach she will most likely be wondering how to get rid of you. Her strategies for doing so may include telling you she’s in the middle of an important conversation with her friends, claiming she has to go to the bathroom, or pretending that she has a boyfriend or is a lesbian.
So to anticipate the question “How long is he going to stay here?” you’ll need to use a time constraint.
A time constraint is anything that explicitly lets the woman or group know that you don’t plan on hanging around long. It should be inserted in the first minute of conversation, before the group has the chance to wonder when your story is going to end. So preface the opener you’ve been using with a time constraint like, “I have to get back to my friend in a minute, but, really quickly . . .” Or, in the middle of your opener, explain, “By the way, it’s guys night out and I shouldn’t even be talking to you all.”
A time constraint doesn’t have to be verbal. It can be physical as well. This is conveyed by leaning away, rocking on your back foot, taking a few steps away as you’re talking, or anything else that makes it look like you’re in a hurry or on your way somewhere else.
The best time constraints contain both elements: They’re expressed verbally and sold through body language.
When you use both a time constraint and a root, it allows the woman or group to stop worrying about what you want and how to get rid of you, and relax enough to listen to what you have to say.