The Rules of the Game. Neil Strauss
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and intelligence.
Not every relationship requires disqualification. Sometimes the feelings are mutual, and two people are attracted to each other right away. Also, if you’re dealing with a woman whose confidence in her appeal is very low, you may want to avoid teasing her, since she’s constantly disqualifying herself in her mind anyway.
Once you get comfortable using disqualifiers, you’ll realize that they’re not such a foreign, complex, counterintuitive concept at all, but in fact the bedrock of flirting.
Most disqualifiers are meant to be playful. Others are used to demonstrate that you have high standards and won’t date or sleep with just anyone. However, a disqualifier should never be hostile, critical, judgmental, or condescending. There’s a fine line between flirting and hurting. And disqualification is never intended to be mean or insulting. So say these with a smile on your face and laughter in your voice, as if you were good-naturedly picking on a younger sibling.
Screening
Women test men. They do so for many reasons: because they want to select the best potential mate from among many suitors; because they’ve been hurt in the past and don’t want to make the same mistakes again; because they want confirmation that you authentically possess the qualities that attract them. Throughout your interactions with most women, whether they’re consciously aware of it or not, they’re putting you on the spot to see how you’ll react.
These tests range from flirtatious teasing (such as telling a man he’s too young or too old for her) to serious interview questions (such as asking a man why he and his last girlfriend broke up). Men normally sit there answering the questions like they’re on a game show, hoping that if they accumulate enough points, she’ll choose them. What they don’t realize is that they’re losing points simply by submitting to the test.
Screening allows you to flip the script and see if the woman you’re interested in meets your standards. Before doing this, it’s important to know exactly what your standards are.
Take a moment to imagine your ideal woman. Then list below five specific criteria you would like her to possess. Consider such qualities as personality, looks, upbringing, values, interests, knowledge, and life experience.
Now list five deal breakers. Qualities that might prevent you from dating someone could include manipulativeness, narcissism, smoking, drinking, drug use, jealousy, pets you’re allergic to, and emotional baggage.
Keep in mind that this is just an exercise. When dating, remain open to the unexpected. If you’re looking for someone who fits this bill exactly, you might overlook an even better match when she appears but doesn’t meet your preset criteria.
In the meantime, this list will provide you with endless criteria for disqualification. On the simplest level, you can ask what her favorite films are and then act as if her answer is a deal breaker. “You actually liked that? That’s it. I’m going home. Nice meeting you.”
If you want someone who’s adventurous, ask her: “What’s the wildest, craziest thing you’ve ever done?” When she answers, disqualify her by saying, with a smile, “That’s great. You and my grandma would really get along.”
There’s an endless list of potential criteria to screen her on, from her dancing skills to her preferred ice cream flavor to her lack of an Olympic gold medal (because you only date women with Olympic gold medals, so she’d better hurry up and get one).
The point of screening is never to make a woman feel bad about herself but to set yourself apart from the hordes of men who will sleep with anyone indiscriminately.
Push-Pull
The opposite of disqualification is qualification, or acceptance. When used together, these two techniques are very powerful.
If she says or does something good, give her a positive, accepting statement (“I like your attitude”); if she says something that could be perceived as negative, tease her with a disqualifier (“Note to self: Do not date this girl”).
Taking control of an interaction by alternating back and forth between these two poles—punishment and reward, validation and invalidation, approval and disapproval, qualification and disqualification, push and pull—is one of the key ways to amplify attraction.
Like everything else in the game, push-pull should be doled out humorously and not cruelly. One way to make the process fun is to put her on a point system: Give her points for good behavior and subtract points for bad behavior. If you want to push it further, tell her that she can claim rewards at certain point thresholds: At forty points she gets to touch your bicep, at eighty she gets the first three digits of your phone number.
Perhaps the most fun form of push-pull is inventing a relationship prematurely. Tell her with a laugh that you’re going to make her your girlfriend—on Fridays only—or joke that you’re going to marry her on the spot. Then, moments later, pretend to be upset by something she just said or did and change the status of the relationship. Tell her you’re demoting her to your Tuesday girlfriend, or you’re filing for divorce and she can keep the cat.
10 More Ways to Disqualify
Disqualification can take myriad forms. Here are a few more to help with today’s field assignment.
Remember, if you say these with a smile and a sense of humor, you’ll come off as a great flirt. If you say them seriously, or as though you mean it, you’re just an asshole.