The Rules of the Game. Neil Strauss
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together.
Smile when you approach. Even if a grin doesn’t come naturally, fake it. It predisposes the woman or group you’re about to engage to respond positively. On a subconscious level, it signals that you’re a friend and not an enemy.
Your energy level should be equal to or slightly higher than the woman or group you’re approaching. Most people are out to have fun. So if you can add to their fun, you’ll be welcomed into the group. If you’re bringing them down or making them strain to understand you, it doesn’t matter what you say—they’ll want to get rid of you as soon as possible. Ways to increase your energy level include talking louder, using hand gestures, making an effort to connect with the people you’re talking to, and smiling with your mouth and eyes. But don’t be too hyper, because that’s just annoying.
Make sure that everyone can hear you, is paying attention, and is involved in the conversation. If you lose just one person, you risk losing the whole group. So if you feel like someone’s interest is waning, pull her into the conversation by addressing her directly or commenting on something she’s wearing or doing.
Don’t be afraid to approach groups that include men. The more men there are in the group, the less likely it is that the women in it have been approached. You’ll be surprised at how often the guys they’re with aren’t actually their boyfriends or husbands.
Make sure you pay attention to the men in a group. If they feel you’re not respecting or acknowledging them, they’ll try to end the interaction. If you think any of the men mistakenly believe you’re hitting on them, mention an ex-girlfriend or a crush on an actress.
If you’re interested in an attractive woman or group of women who’ve been hit on a lot, don’t approach them directly. Instead, open a group next to them. Then, during a high point of the interaction, casually involve the woman you originally wanted to meet in the discussion.
What to Say
There are three traits a successful indirect opener should possess: It should appear spontaneous, be motivated by curiosity, and be interesting to most people.
There are also many subtleties. Never begin by asking a question that requires a yes or no response. If you say, “Can I ask you a quick question?” the group can always answer, “No.” Then you’re stuck.
Instead, begin with a statement, such as an observation, “You guys look like experts,” or a request for assistance: “Help me settle a quick debate” or “Let me get your take on this.” Then pause briefly to make sure you have everyone’s attention, and continue.
Even when you ask your actual question, it’s not necessary to get an answer. Pause for a moment, and if no one fills in the silence with an opinion, continue with your story.
Don’t begin the opener by saying “I’m sorry,” “Excuse me,” or “Pardon me, but.” Sure, your family raised you to be polite, but starting a conversation this way makes you sound insecure at best and like a panhandler at worst. Where men are initially attracted to beauty, most women are initially attracted to status. And a man of high status never apologizes for his presence.
The most widely used kind of indirect opener I’ve come up with is the opinion opener, in which you ask a group for advice on a personal story. A well camouflaged opinion opener can still evoke ten minutes of excited responses—which are also ten minutes you can use to showcase your humor and personality.
An easy opener for beginners is the “shady friend opener,” which was based on a girl I dated. One bonus with this routine is that it can help you ascertain if the girl you’re interested in is too jealous to seriously date.
Here’s a word-for-word script. It was originally created in bars and clubs, so if you’re out by yourself during the day, instead of pointing to a friend in the room, pretend you just got off the phone with him.
YOU: Hey guys, let me get your take on something. I’m trying to give my friend over there advice, but we’re just a bunch of men—so we’re not really qualified to comment on these matters.
THEM: What’s that?
YOU: Okay, this is a two-part question. If you’ve been dating a guy for three months and he doesn’t want you to hang out with one of your male friends, what’s the appropriate response? Assuming that the person is just your friend, and nothing would ever happen.
THEM: I’d probably break up with the guy I’m dating.
YOU: Okay, here’s the second part of the question. What if this friend was someone you used to sleep with? Does that change things?
THEM: Well, I’m friends with some of my exes, but others I can’t be friends with. So it depends.
YOU: Okay, makes sense. The reason I’m asking is because my friend over there has been dating a girl for three months, and she wants him to stop talking to a female friend of his. He hasn’t dated this other girl for years, and they’re really just friends. The problem is, if he stops talking to her, he’ll resent his girlfriend. But if he keeps talking to her, his girlfriend will resent him.
THEM: Something like that happened to me once, and . . .
If you’re talking to a group, make sure you ask all the members—even the men—for their opinions. No one should be excluded, because if they are, they’ll feel slighted or get bored—and could influence the group to shut you out.
Most important, as you deliver this or any other opener, remember that it’s not the exact words that matter—it’s your attitude. The opener is used only to break the ice and get the group’s attention. It contains no magic formula that will make a woman swoon at your feet. It’s just a way to keep your mouth moving while you display your charming personality.
After the Opener
A good opener will naturally lead to other questions and topics of conversation.
Often, you’ll be asked for your take on the dilemma you’ve asked about. Make sure you have one. If you’re normally a sarcastic or negative person, this world-view may create a bond with some women, but it rarely creates attraction. I know because I used to be that way, until I discovered that one of the keys to drawing people to you—and making them want to stay there—is radiating positivity.
This is why it’s best to draw openers from your own life. If the opener is about someone in college, you should know what college it is. If it’s about someone in another country, you should know what country it is. Determine in advance the ages, professions, relationships, and other details of the people in the openers you use. If you deliver the opener correctly, she will most likely be curious and ask follow-up questions. So be prepared.
But don’t overprepare. You’ll come up with plenty of clever responses to common questions, related topics to discuss, and interesting details in the moment. For example, if you’re using the shady friend opener, and it elicits a flurry of conflicting opinions, you may find yourself saying, with a bemused smile, “You guys are great. You’re just like The View.”
However, beware of a common beginner mistake: milking the opener. As soon as the energy starts to flag, or you catch yourself thinking too hard of something to say to continue the conversation, the opener is over. Cut the thread and move on.
You’ll learn exactly what to say next in future Challenge assignments, but for now just remember: As soon as you start struggling to keep a dying conversation topic going, you may as well be asking “How about some dick?”
The Rule of Trying
Now that you’re learning scripted material, it’s important to remember the rule of trying: Don’t. If you try hard, you die hard.
As soon as you’re caught trying to impress her, trying to get validation, trying for attention, or trying too hard in any way, the game is over. One of the paradoxes of the game is that it takes a lot of effort to appear effortless.
While it’s possible that in the future certain routines