CHAPTER ONE

      Does the Third Ear Conflict Resolution Program™ Work?

      I certainly think so, as do many of the people around me. I would not be sharing it with you if I were not confident that it can make a difference in your life. As a lawyer, I see too many people struggling, if not suffering, in ways that are preventable and reparable. As a mediator, I know what many still do not: There are private dispute resolution opportunities that often produce better results than a judgment or verdict. For this reason, I converted mediation processes into a Do-it-Yourself (“DIY”) system, the Third Ear Conflict Resolution Program.

      As you will see throughout the book, there is truly a lot you can do on your own. Yet we each have occasional persistent conflicts that we’ve carried for such a long time that we think they are as much a part of us as our height or eye color. We also have new conflicts that arise, with which we have little to no experience. These are the conflicts clients often bring to me with their requests for coaching, if not litigation.

      My goal is to train you as thoroughly as I can, with an audio program, in workshops, and in other forms. This limits the amount of time individuals need one-on-one coaching, while also preserving the funds you probably want to use for enjoyment of life. Not that coaching with me isn’t fun, of course—especially when you get results like those experienced by Jan Rap, Omuk, Zhang San, and others you will read about throughout the book.

      AUTHOR’S NOTE: The names in most of the case studies have been changed to protect the privacy of people who have worked with me. I have also fictionalized some of them or their stories to further protect their privacy, and I have used “placeholder names” from a variety of languages to remind us that we all have similar, human issues. Our conflicts might manifest themselves in different ways and under different circumstances, but there is much we can learn from each other.

      Jan Rap was a well-known and highly respected advisor to other professionals in a major metropolitan market. He was educated at private schools and studied abroad. He achieved bachelor’s, master’s and juris doctorate degrees before gaining experience in a sizable law firm and eventually starting a profitable partnership with a more seasoned attorney. When Jan and I first met, I was a bit jealous of his success and uncomfortable being around him. He was dressed in designer clothes and was perfectly coiffed. He projected the image of success that I wanted but didn’t yet believe I could have with my modest Kentucky roots and degrees from state-run universities. For a moment, I forgot that Jan was human.

      Eventually, I remembered to use the Third Ear Conflict Resolution process to resolve the self-conflicts that arose in my association with Jan. I saw that I was discounting my unique experiences and credentials. I was valuing myself less than I valued him, when he was seeing me as anything but the loser I felt like around him. He actually valued me for our differences, as they gave us fresh perspectives. Once I started honoring myself and being “unapologetically me” during our networking meetings, we grew to be strategic partners and friends. When his business partnership dissolved, I cheered him along the path of sole proprietorship. When my mom had her fifth and sixth near-death experiences, Jan was there to hold me up.

      “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

      —Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

      Over the years, we became running partners and included our partners on our outings. (Jan is married to Fulan, a fitness instructor and actor who is like a long-lost sibling and who sometimes understands my musician boyfriend better than I do.) I created all of this by using the Third Ear Conflict Resolution process—and, of course, with Jan’s interest and cooperation. We went from awkward would-be competitors to mutually supportive cheerleaders. So, I was thrilled when Jan agreed to coach with me. That brought its own share of conflicts, which many people would have avoided and advised me to avoid. Yet we trusted the process and ourselves. When conflicts arose, we referred back to the Five Actions and took quick action toward resolution. It became another opportunity to practice our skills.

      The first conflict we worked on was Jan’s self-image. Much to my surprise, this strikingly attractive human being had his share of doubts about his physical presence. After being unable to create a family with his adoring spouse, he also sustained an injury in one of those embarrassing “I can’t be this old” accidents. He had gained weight and lost fitness after only a short time enjoying the goals he worked for years to reach. His designer “power suits” that he once felt abundantly confident in now made him feel like “My Cousin Vinny”—at a time when his business revenue was down and his budget didn’t allow for new clothing.

      Most of us didn’t notice Jan’s struggles. They were subtle and, being the high achiever that he is, he was able to produce great results even under less-than-ideal circumstances. I began to imagine for him the results that he could create under better circumstances. He, on the other hand, was punishing himself for small disagreements at home, income shortfalls, infertility, and an ill parent with an uncomfortable, if not reluctant, caregiver.

      We started small, not because Jan’s life was a mess. It wasn’t. His clients were still happy. He was serving on corporate Boards of Directors and winning professional awards. His spouse still adored him, and they had a modest but comfortable life in their small home in an upscale neighborhood. He had friends, fun and good health, especially as his injury healed. He just didn’t feel like it was enough. I was honored that he trusted me with his secrets. We began with a small, manageable self-issue to build momentum and to avoid creating new conflicts with others by practicing on them.

      THIRD EAR TIP: When we try to “fix” other people (especially when we are the only one who sees a problem), we leave them feeling broken. Don’t “break” other people so you have someone to practice on. You have plenty of little conflicts in your life that will give you practice. There are exercises throughout this book and resources in the Appendix to help if you have difficulty identifying conflicts in your life.

      First, we defined Jan’s conflict with his self-image as succinctly as possible. I didn’t need a lot of back story explaining how he developed his current doubts. I knew many of the details of his life and, although they were interesting, they took up time we could spend on playing with possibilities and creating a new future.

      He laughed. “My body and I disagree about what a 40-something man looks, feels and acts like.”

      Second, we identified Jan’s interests in this conflict. We needed to determine what helped it take root, since nothing takes root in infertile soil. Sadly, he knew this too well.

      We looked at his desires, thoughts, beliefs, expectations,