DIY Conflict Resolution: Seven Choices and Five Actions of a Master. Nance L. Schick

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DIY Conflict Resolution: Seven Choices and Five Actions of a Master - Nance L. Schick


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the Seven Choices that I ask participants to make once they realize they are in conflict:

      1.Forgive yourself for having conflict. We all experience conflict. In our relationships. With our bodies. With our finances. With our words. At home. At work. In our communities, and in our everyday activities. Punishing yourself for being human is a little crazy.

      2.Forgive yourself for hiding out too long and hoping that the conflicts would go away. We all try to avoid conflict when we feel we can’t handle it skillfully. We carefully avoid people or situations we believe might trigger conflict. We withdraw from groups, quit our jobs and move out of our homes. We project issues with one person onto others. We become aggressive, passive or build other protective barriers. We live in denial, forcing our true feelings to find release in workaholism, obsessions, overspending, weight gain, or other addictions. Then, we choose to take action and see results. Eventually, we take action almost reflexively and see results more consistently.

      3.Forgive the world for having and creating conflicts. Conflict is a natural part of living. There will always be conflicts we can’t avoid, but we can choose to see them as learning opportunities or gateways to something better. There will be car accidents and traffic jams that make you late to a job you hate anyway. The weather is going to change your plans—and create a quiet night in, so you can get a full night’s sleep. Not everyone is going to like everything about you or agree with you all of the time—because you’re not really letting them see you anyway and they know it.

      Rather than pretending you can avoid all conflict, learn to master resolution and whatever life throws at you. Isn’t that a much more powerful way to live? Imagine never hiding from anyone or any situation because you know you have the skills to create something useful under any circumstances.

      4.Free the emotions. Many of us have been trained to deny our emotions so much that we can only feel them. We can’t identify them effectively. Once we can understand them, we can allow them to pass through so they are no longer a part of the dispute.

      5.Clear your mind. There is nothing but this moment… And now this one… And this one… And so on. Everything else is gone or not here yet—until you bring it into your mind. Did you just get something? Great! Now, let it go. This includes assumptions… about me, about this program, about yourself, and about what you think you know.

      There is no right versus wrong, good versus bad, worthy versus unworthy, or anything along those lines. In the process of clearing your mind, focus on the connection that you once accepted whole-heartedly, and rebuild it in a way that works under the current circumstances.

      No one has to lose. No one has to be punished—including you. Often, the dispute itself has been punishment enough.

      6.If you must make an assumption, assume that you know nothing about anything. There is infinite knowledge in the world. You can’t have all of the answers. No one can.

      7.Listen with your third ear. Allow your heart to open to the fear, pain, and human vulnerabilities of other people. Hear what every person involved in the conflict has to say. Get the specific details from their unique points of view, even if you don’t agree with the ways they see the conflict.

      Take a deep breath and try to enjoy the empty space you just created. Embrace a moment of silence. Be still. Don’t be so quick to fill anything, especially not with things that decrease your effectiveness. Let’s fill the space temporarily with a current self-inventory.

      Practice

      •List all of the areas of your life in which you are effective. Do you do your job well? Are you a good cook, housekeeper or parent? Have you developed a special talent or skill?

      •List the qualities you have that make you effective in these areas. Are you loving, patient, diligent, educated, or something else?

      •List the qualities you have that decrease your effectiveness. Are you anxious, impatient, lazy, self-absorbed, etc.?

      •Review the qualities I asked you to list above. Answer yes to both sets of characteristics. There are times in your life when you have been each of them. They weren’t permanent. They aren’t “part of you.”

      •Circle the qualities on your lists that you want to practice more often. Draw lines through the ones that cause you the most hardship.

      •Tear out your lists and recycle them. (If you are using an electronic device, delete them.) You don’t need them anymore. You got the insight, and you still know the subject matter: you.

      •Do not continue reading this book for at least 24 hours. Instead, share with at least two people what you remember about your lists.

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