DIY Conflict Resolution: Seven Choices and Five Actions of a Master. Nance L. Schick
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Then, we could determine the best actions to uproot it.
“I want to be lean and strong. I want to walk down the street or into a room with my head held high and room to move around in my clothes. I want Fulan to look at me like I am the sexiest thing she has ever seen.”
“I thought I had found the perfect workout routine. Then, I got injured.”
“I believed I would be a powerful, successful professional with great financial wealth by now. I thought I would be enjoying meals in five-star restaurants and taking vacations all over the world.”
“I expected to have a family, a bigger home and more money.”
“I wish I could figure out what I’m doing wrong.”
“I have to start seeing a return on my investments and making real money again soon. I am the breadwinner, and I’m not winning!”
Notice that the interests we identified were not solely about Jan’s weight, fitness or physical appearance. We went from a discussion of his injury and tight clothes to family and money.
Often, when I ask people to do the above exercise, which is Action Two of the third Ear Conflict Resolution process, they resist. They pretend that they don’t understand the questions or the purpose. They might even tell me it’s a stupid waste of time and pout, sigh loudly or grumble as they reconnect with themselves. I don’t promise comfort throughout the process.
Jan and I made note of the other conflicts that appeared during this exercise, and we agreed to look at them in the near future. I assured him that they probably weren’t going anywhere. Yet I also knew that as he gained more confidence and focus, he would start seeing shifts in many areas of his life.
Third, we played with the endless possibilities for resolving Jan’s conflicts with his “aging” body. I reminded him that every body begins to age once it stops growing; it’s not a sudden process that we wake up to in our 40s and desperately fear. He was well aware of the diet pills, surgeries, weight loss programs, and “quick fixes” on the market. He had secretly tried some of them and discovered they were either scams or otherwise bad for him. Fulan would be disappointed in him.
We shifted his focus. If he could have his body conflicts resolve in any way possible, he would get back in shape overnight—physically and mentally. He knew this wasn’t possible. His crazy-fit spouse was a reminder that he couldn’t have physical fitness without mental fitness. Jan accepted that we had some work to do.
Fourth, we started creating a new future by developing an action plan that could fit easily into his current schedule, so that he could start taking steps and seeing results immediately. I am not one to postpone having a great life (most of the time, anyway)! I coached him to set SMILE goals, which are a lot like SMART goals, but they feel a lot less like chores and a lot more like fun.
Jan’s Specific, Measurable, Individualized, Likable, and Easy (“SMILE”) goals for the ensuing month were:
1.Eat green vegetables with at least one meal per day. To make this even easier while traveling or otherwise away from home and office, I recommended that he purchase some raw broccoli florets at the nearest market or go to one of the many Starbucks Coffee locations, which now carry cold-pressed Evolution Fresh green juices. (I’m not being paid to promote either business. I like sharing information that I think will bring value and ease to your life. You can also get high-nutrient, low-sugar juices in many other places.)
2.Incorporate more exercise into even his busiest days. There were days during which he had no time to go to the gym for a full workout, but we began to see the world as a huge playground with sidewalks for brisk walks, stairs for “mastering,” scaffolding for chin-ups, and area rugs for lunges, jumping jacks or yoga.
3.Look in the mirror and acknowledge one thing he likes about his body—as it is now—each day. This one was my suggestion, and there was silence on the phone line while he considered his arguments against this silly task. But he knows me well enough to know resistance is futile because I coach for my clients to win. Reluctantly, he took it on.
One month later, I was speaking to a happier version of Jan. He had even started to appreciate his injury and “spare tire” around his waist (which was more like a bike tire than a snow tire!). He saw his injury as a symbol of an active lifestyle at middle age, and he saw his extra weight as evidence of prosperity: he had access to more food than he needed. Even if he bought some of his excess food on credit, he was lucky enough to be credit-worthy. He also had some money in savings to cover lean business periods. He was in a much better position to succeed than he thought. He had just been impatient from comparing himself to other people he viewed as more successful.
THIRD EAR TIP: It can be beneficial to look at others’ successes for guidance in creating our own achievements. Yet no two stories are exactly the same. Don’t look for a blueprint you can copy. You will need to customize it to honor your unique characteristics, experiences and values.
Currently, Jan is still incorporating his SMILE actions into his everyday life, and he is having fewer days without exercise or nutrient-rich foods. He is aware again how much better he feels and how much more effective he is in all areas of his life when his body is properly maintained. He has lost several pounds without feeling deprived, his waistline has begun to show his efforts, and he is committed to releasing all of the extra weight he has added under stress. He occasionally cooks for himself and for Fulan. We can now move on to the conflicts he has with his career and income.
The Third Ear Conflict Resolution Program works in conflicts between or among people, too. In fact, its roots are in mediation, a process in which a neutral person facilitates discussion of the dispute with the intent of creating new agreements that resolve it. (There is more about the opportunities in mediation in the Appendix.)
Omuk originally called me in search of representation in a lawsuit she wanted to file against her strategic partner, who refused to return intellectual property after their venture failed. Omuk wanted to rework her art and see if she could still release a finished product, even if it wasn’t what she planned at the time she contracted with Zhang San. She recounted the emotional details of the situation rather than the facts, which suggested to me that the conflict was more about the loss of a key collaborator than the project. She still had a lot of respect for Zhang San’s work, and she expected to see her at industry events throughout her career. I stopped her before she gave any specific evidence or opinions.
“It sounds like you still want this to work out,” I said. “If you could produce the artwork with Zhang San, would you prefer that to a lawsuit?”
Silence. “Yes. I just don’t know how to get her to talk to me anymore. It has gotten bad. We yell. She hung up the phone on me. Now, she won’t answer my calls.”
With Omuk’s permission, I called Zhang San and explained that although I had spoken to Omuk and had a vague understanding of the situation, I would like to serve as a neutral facilitator and create a resolution that would satisfy both of them. Zhang San was calm and agreeable. I asked them each to watch my “Introduction to Third Ear Conflict Resolution” video on YouTube to prepare for our meeting. After they had watched the video, they were to send me three possible meeting dates and times that they could agree upon. This gave them the chance to make a small agreement, which reminded them how well they could work together when they shared a purpose.
I got a call from Omuk approximately one week later. She and Zhang San had watched the video and started communicating more effectively. They began to speak about why they had decided to work together in the first place. They discussed their expectations and disappointments until they ultimately created a new plan for completing the project with what was still available. Omuk called because she wanted me to draft the agreement.
(Okay. That time, it did seem like the program was magic! But it usually takes a little more practice than it did with Omuk and Zhang San.)
In short, the Third Ear Conflict Resolution Program works, if you’re willing to do even the parts of it you don’t like at first or think are “wrong.” There is no right or