All That Is Left Of Us. Catherine Miller
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banning any names beginning with E. Talk about making it difficult.’ Joel winked.
Dawn laughed despite herself. She was glad it wasn’t just her that found it confusing. Ever since Elvis had become the alpha male, the zoo had named every offspring with names beginning with E. And the names were too similar sounding to distinguish at times. ‘I’m going to go and sit down if that’s okay?’ She needed to sit or she would fall.
‘Mum’s just had a baby,’ Archie chipped in. ‘She was a surrogate.’
‘Wow. You really should take a seat then.’
Joel and Archie escorted her to the bench where she normally sat and in a very small way it was like a piece of equilibrium being restored.
‘Are you okay, Mum?’
Dawn was feeling out of sorts, but she guessed that was to be expected when she was rushing round a zoo covering some considerable square meterage only a few days after a baby had been plucked from her womb. ‘I just need a rest, sweetheart. I think we’ll have to skip our walk today. Probably best seeing as we’re here later than usual.’
‘I’m going to do the checks now,’ Archie said.
‘Thanks,’ Dawn said to Joel as he followed her son. It was nice that someone was embracing his obsession with meerkats. She’d not met anyone yet who was able to match his knowledge on them and he hadn’t spoken to the last keeper after he’d answered some questions wrong. So this was an improvement. A big one.
When Dawn fumbled in her handbag, she found she’d also forgotten her sketchpad. Great. That was all she needed. Being left with her own thoughts was not a good idea at the moment. She selected a Hall’s Soother instead. She didn’t have a cold, but it was the best offering in a normally useful handbag and she figured the sugar might do her some good. Plus, they normally took twenty minutes to work and if she concentrated on the throat sweet she might not get round to noticing the emptiness within. But trying to numb her tongue wasn’t enough to numb any other part of her, and as yet another mum trundled past her with a baby wrapped in a sling, Dawn wasn’t able to ignore the hurt. The sense that she should also have a babe in her arms was gnawing away at her to an extent she’d never thought would be possible. After Archie she’d never been broody. Those early days of bringing up a fussy baby by herself had been enough to put away any thoughts of doing it again into another lifetime. Her lack of maternal instincts had been part of the reason she’d been so willing to be a surrogate. Not wanting to do it all again meant it would be easy to hand the baby over. But it seemed to have opened up dormant emotions and here she was with swollen breasts threatening to lactate.
Dawn was so busy staring longingly after the mother and baby she didn’t notice Joel heading back to the bench.
‘Here. I thought you might need these.’
Dawn turned, startled at being brought back to the real world. Surreptitiously, she moved her arms so if she did have any wet patches they wouldn’t be noticed. At least she hoped.
Joel was holding a flask and a Yorkie bar. He moved them in front of her as she’d not responded yet. ‘Tea and chocolate. You look like you need both.’
The gesture was enough to make her eyes well up and all too quickly tears were streaking her cheeks. She wiped them away and tried to gain some composure. ‘You don’t need to do that. I’m obviously raiding your lunchbox.’
‘No worries. I’ll refill it on my lunch break and you definitely deserve the chocolate more than I do. I best get back to Archie.’ Joel went back to the meerkat enclosure and Dawn was too exhausted to argue.
The tea was just the right temperature and gave comfort in a way only a good cuppa could manage. Dawn didn’t really want to deprive the man of his chocolate, but she was feeling wobbly enough to unwrap it and snap off the first two squares. Maybe they could go halves.
‘Here you go, Mum.’ It was Archie this time with more provisions. ‘Joel said I should give you these.’ He passed her a book and some scrunched-up blue roll, which she assumed was to use in place of tissues.
‘Thank you, Arch.’
‘You’re the alpha female.’
‘Okay.’ Dawn wasn’t quite sure what Archie was telling her, but it seemed like a compliment.
‘Joel said I should tell you. He said I was being nice.’
‘Why am I the alpha female then?’
Dawn knew more than the average mother about meerkats, but she didn’t quite know what Archie was getting at.
‘You’re the alpha female. The matriarch because you’re the one who has the babies. No one else is allowed to. But it’s okay that Rebekah is looking after the baby because she’s in our family group so you don’t need to be sad about it. We just all have to look after each other.’
How right he was. And how much more complicated it felt to be a human. Archie’s outlook wasn’t wrong though and once this blaze of hormones settled down she would try to look at it that way. It seemed like a very nice way to view the situation.
Dawn snapped off another piece of chocolate from the bar and passed the remainder back to Archie. ‘If we’re looking after each other, you’d better take this back to Joel so you can both have a chunk to eat as well.’
‘Cool. Love you, Alpha,’ Archie said, before skipping back towards the meerkats and his new-found friend. It would have been nearly enough to make Dawn emotional again, if not for the new nickname, which she hoped wouldn’t stick.
As Dawn poured herself another cup of tea, she realised the book wasn’t some kind of wildlife manual. It was a novel: The Beach by Alex Garland. Well, it would certainly take her thoughts away to a different world and, even if it wasn’t a perfect one, it might be preferable to the way she was currently feeling.
The following two Sunday lunches with just the two of them were sombre affairs. The usual chatter was absent and even the gravy wasn’t as good without her brother about to stir the lumps out. So it was quite a blow, on the day they were to be reunited, to receive a text from David cancelling their visit.
It was over a fortnight ago now that she’d given birth and on the whole she was feeling a bit more upbeat about life. The urge to cry wasn’t quite so ripe and she’d started focusing on how this time was going to help her. The apprenticeship at the local (and only) tattoo shop was confirmed to start after the summer holidays and she just needed to work on completing her portfolio.
Only the text message from David was pulling her spirits down again. Casting her mind back over the years, this was the longest they’d been apart. He’d gone to university locally so he was never far away and there wasn’t a week that went by when they didn’t meet up. Until now. She didn’t want to resent Rebekah, but she was finding it hard not to when she’d given her a child and in exchange she’d stolen her brother. Okay, so stolen was an exaggeration, but for years David had been her life-support system, even before Archie. They looked out for each other – that was how life worked when you were a twin – so it didn’t feel right that the link seemed to have temporarily broken.
Reading her brother’s message again, BABY NOT SETTLING. WILL HAVE TO CALL OFF TODAY, Dawn realised maybe she was the one that needed to make the first move. NEED ANY HELP? she offered.
Up until now Dawn had opted not to contact them, respecting that they wanted their space. But as David had got in touch, and her emotions were more in check, it seemed appropriate to ask.
NOT TODAY. TALK SOON came the response.
It left Dawn deflated. She wanted normality to resume for her and for Archie. He was a boy that liked routine and now she had to break it to him that he wouldn’t get to meet his cousin today like they’d always planned. That alone would be difficult to handle, before